Posts Tagged ‘Yavanna Kementári’

#29: Trees? Glowing Trees? Really? That’s The Best You Could Do?

Nov
2

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: incredulous

Well, I found the Valar. No, they didn’t flee Arda — we should be so lucky. They just went into hiding. What a bunch of sniveling cowards.

As I said, I searched all over Middle Earth and found no trace of the treasonous bastards. But then I remembered there are a couple of other continents — practice continents, really, in the far East and West.

As I approached the western continent, I noticed it was… pointier… than I remembered it. Someone had thrown up a wall of ridiculously high mountains. And if anyone’s going to be running around remaking the world and violating the Laws of Physics for their own convenience, it’s the Valar.

I flew up over the top of the mountains (like mountains are going to stop us — we can fly!) and was dismayed to see all of the continent behind the mountains bathed in light. Not the good kind of light you get from burning people alive, but the nasty bright painful light you get from that bitch Yavanna.

I assumed a pleasing shape and mingled. The Valar have forced their Maiar slaves to build a city — they call it Valmar. The name is supposed to mean “City of Bells,” but I think it’s better translated as “ostentatious and dull.”

Now apparently, Manwë ‘s new plan, since we kicked his ass royally in the Second War, is to sit and hide behind his mountain range for all of eternity. Yes, you heard right — the Valar have surrendered!

It’s not good enough, of course. We’re not going to sit around — Melkor and I, I mean — and let these scumbag traitors hide out in the Uttermost West while we do all the real work of running the world. Oh no. When I told Melkor what the Valar had done, he immediately started planning an offensive. We’re going to drive those scumbags out of The World, and back to the welcoming teat of Eru Ilúvatar. Let them all sit in the Timeless Halls for all eternity, mourning their failures, while we celebrate absolute mastery over Creation.

But I haven’t mentioned yet where the light is coming from. It seems Yavanna created two glowing trees. That’s right, glowing trees. One is silver, the other gold, and they fill all of Valinor (that’s what they call the continent, Valinor) with their pestilential light. At least the mountains keep the light from staining the perfect darkness of Middle Earth.

Melkor was able to single-handedly tear down the accursed Lamps. I can’t imagine he’ll have much trouble with trees. Maybe he’ll let me do it.

#24: Ow, The Light! My Eyes!

Sep
24

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: frostbitten

Ow! Crap! I can barely see to type! I hate the freaking Valar SO MUCH!

We’re still in the Outer Dark — that’s on the FAR SIDE of the sky, in case you didn’t know — and I’m freezing my ass off. I’m still in the form of a great werewolf, and let me tell you, fur only does so much good. The fiery balrogs are just fine, of course, but the rest of us are gonna die of hypothermia soon.

After our “strategic redeployment” into the Void, Melkor declared that we would wait out here until the time was ripe to strike again. This caused quite a bit of grumbling amongst the troops, and I had to kick some asses. No one questions Melkor! Although personally, I think he’s just hoping Tulkas will decide to go back home to the Timeless Halls.

Melkor just isn’t the same since the First War. He doesn’t laugh, or make jokes (he used to make wicked jokes), and he’ll hardly talk to anyone except me. His wounds are healing, but he’ll never be quite as fair again. He spends all his time brooding, planning how to kill Manwë the Dickless Prick and Tulkas.

Anyway, we’ve been keeping a close eye on the Valar traitors from out here. As I said before, we can see into The World, but they can’t see out — the sky is like one-way glass. (I know what “glass” is — it’s melted sand. I know everything there is to know about melted and burned things.)

The Valar didn’t really repair any of the damage they did to Arda during the First War — I don’t know if they’re lazy, or they just don’t care, or they like the coastlines and mountain ranges to be all jaggedy and irregular — who knows?

Yavanna (she’s the girlfriend of Aulë, my idiot former boss) went around doing her seed-planting thing, and now The World is once again buried under moldy green growth. Almost all the volcanoes have been plugged up, and there’s no magma anywhere. Ulmo has the seas all calmed down and placid, although I notice that Ossë likes to batter the coasts with some really cool storms. How the hell did Ossë not end up on our team? (Note to self — see if Ossë can be lured over.)

Then the Valar started working on some mysterious project. I couldn’t figure out what they were doing from so far away, and I begged Melkor for permission to go back into Arda and spy on the Valar — but he wouldn’t hear of it.

They built these two enormous towers, one in the far north and one in the south. (Let me explain about north, south, east and west. These are arbitrary directions devised by Melkor. He decided to call the direction from which we entered into the world “west,” and then the others follow from that.) Anyway, these towers totally and completely violate the laws of physics, the laws that I worked so hard on! Any structure that tall should be crushed under its own weight, and collapse the crust beneath it.

But ohhhhh no, when Manwë and his cronies want something, they just cheat.

So they erect these towers, and Varda comes along to place something at the top of the northern one. Of course, I’m looking right at it because I want to know what’s going on. And then…

VOOM! I’m blind!

She filled the top of the tower with pure, unadulterated LIGHT! Not just photons, but the archetypal essence of light. And it’s bright — bright enough to fill half of Arda with blinding illumination!

I’m still rubbing my eyes with my paws, trying to clear away the little squigglies from my vision. Then — yes, you guessed it — she fires up the southern tower. Now the whole world is bathed in light! And of course, it all bounces off the surface of the Disc and out into the Void!

Everyone is shielding their eyes and complaining, while Melkor just stares down in steely anger. Don’t get me wrong, we had a plan to light the world — that’s what the magma was for! Our world was going to have light for the creatures who needed it, dark for the creatures who needed that (like wolves, ahem), and lots of phosphorous raining from the sky for the plants.

The idiotic Valar now have everything bathed in unchanging light. What the hell are nocturnal animals supposed to do? Don’t these people think?

Let me tell you, the first thing that comes down when we take over again is those blasted towers. Stupid, just stupid.

#22: War — Not As Much Fun As It Sounded

Sep
18

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: exhausted

I was going to wait until the end of the battle to blog again. But this damned fight has been going on for so long, I’m not sure it well ever end.

How long have we been fighting the Valar? Who knows? No one has yet invented a way to measure time. There are no “Spirits of Time,” which if you ask me is a serious oversight on Eru’s part. One of many. The point is I don’t know. Eons, at least.

It all started so well. We carefully watched the Valar, and when they were at their least watchful, Melkor deemed it time to strike. He led us up and out of the pits, and we roared across the face of the Disc of the World, Melkor in front. In his rage he grew until his crown reached the clouds and his feet crushed the earth, and his breath was ice and his eyes fire.

Behind him came the Hosts of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Guys.

We took those ghey-ass Valar and their sniveling Maiar toadies completely by surprise. They were having some kind of party, I don’t know, celebrating leaves or something, when a great cloud of foul smoke and searing flame spread across the horizon, and we charged down upon them, crushing every living thing in our path. In moments we were upon them, crushing, burning and skewering everything with pointy ears.

Now the Valar were caught unawares, but not completely unprepared. They had armor — not solid and black like ours, but thin and shiny. And they had weapons — not like our heavy iron killing implements, designed to puncture and crush, but lithe little slivers of glossy metal called “swords,” which look flimsy but work surprisingly well.

And of course they had magic. When Melkor called down a rain of fire, that weasel Ulmo summoned forth a rain of cool clean water. When Melkor spewed forth a black miasma of creeping death, Yavanna raised her hands and met it with a spreading wall of bright green growth. When Melkor threw down a mountain to crush our foes, that ass-munch Aulë just raised up another one. I can’t believe I used to take orders from that guy.

The unfair part, of course, is that individually, Melkor could take all thirteen of the Valar. Not one could face him alone. All together, they are barely his match.

While Melkor battled the renegade Valar, I led the Hosts against the Army of the Maiar. I gotta tell ya, our guys may look scary — certainly the Balrogs cause a lot of Maiar trousers to get soiled — but it’s nothing compared to me. When I come tearing over a ravine in the form of a humongous werewolf, slavering teeth spraying acidic drool in my path, my eyes burning with the fires of Perdition, well — let’s just say people run.

In fact, for a while I had trouble finding anyone to fight! I just ran around routing any groups of Maiar I came across, and barked (heh – literally) orders to those trolls and monsters too stupid or too scared to know what to do.

I did have this weird encounter. I was chewing on some Maiar I caught hiding under an upturned continental plate, when I was attacked from behind by a little Maia with a sword. I spat out my snack and spun about, cuffing my enemy with a massive paw. Then I stepped on his little chest and pinned him to the cooling magma.

I recognized him — Olórin, an air spirit, one of those most vocal in supporting the prickless dick Manwë in his cowardly coup against Melkor.

I slobbered all over him while I decided how best to dispatch him. I had already injured a number of Maiar so thoroughly that they were reduced to weakened wisps, unable to take shape again within the World. It’s the closest to death we can get. And let me tell you, it’s never gonna happen to me.

Anyway, while I was deciding whether to bit his head off, or just claw him to pieces, Olórin spoke to me. Which was weird, considering how I was killing him. He spoke very calmly, like we were having a nice discussion over tea.

“Sauron, Lord of Craft,” spoke he, “release me. Turn aside from the path to Darkness, and return with me to the Light. Beg the pardon of Manwë, and all will be forgiven. Join us in our great work, for your skill is sorely missed.”

Now I have to admit that for a moment there, I was moved by his words, wise and gentle as they were. Perhaps Melkor had indeed led us astray. Perhaps the plans of Eru were best, and I would be wise to submit to His will.

BWA HA HA HA HA! I am so just kidding! I didn’t think any of those things. As if. It’s what that little puke Olórin expected me to think. What a moron.

I laughed so hard, Olórin was able to wriggle free and run off. Who cares? He’s too weak to ever hurt me. Let him go cower under a rock somewhere.

Can you imagine? Me apologize to the Dickless Prick? He’s the traitor and thief, not me. All I’ve ever done is what was right. I have nothing to apologize for.

I haven’t seen Huan, I think he’s avoiding me. Good for him. I did catch a glimpse of Melian, battling an enormous troll. I avoided her. I hope she gets killed.

Okay, I don’t. But I hope she gets hurt really, really badly.

Well, the battle is still going on, and I gotta go. I’m going to create a diversion while a platoon of Watchers in the Water sneak up from behind out of a poison mire.

#6: Eru’s Arrogance Is Pissing Me Off

Aug
18

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: rueful

Okay, Aulë is off mooning over that bitch Yavanna – I can see to whom she wants to “give her fruits,” if you know what I mean. Anyway, I have time to work on my blog.

So Melkor and I showed Eru how much we could improve on His music, but the Big Guy just went ape-shit. This was after he invited us to improve on his theme – I know I keep harping on that, but what did he expect?

So Eru shuts everyone up, and then summons Melkor to come forward. I would have gone up there too, but Aulë was giving me this murderous look. I am so tired of that stupid lunkhead. I have ten times his talent. You know Quantum Chromodynamics? That was ALL ME.

Anyway, Melkor goes up before Eru, and I must say he looked pretty nervous. I was afraid Ilúvatar was going to punish Melkor in some really drastic way – uncreate him or something. It had never occurred to me before that Eru held such dreadful power over us.

I don’t like it.

Eru says, “Mighty are the Ainur, and mightiest among them is Melkor.”

That’s an encouraging start, I thought.

Then Eru went into spin control. Seems He has decided to take the music we all created – Eru’s theme and Melkor’s – and use it as a kind of blueprint to build a world in the Void!

So let me get this straight – He’s mad because we wrecked his song, but He’s going to use that song to create the Universe?

“And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me,” He says, “nor can any alter the music in My despite. For he that attempteth this shall prove but Mine instrument in the devising of things more wonderful, which he himself hath not imagined.”

Let me translate that for you. “Thou, Melkor, have embarrassed Me by writing a better song. But everything you do is really all Me anyway. So suck it.”

Eru is being an arrogant prick. I know, I shouldn’t say things like that. But c’mon, I’m right, aren’t I?

I gotta say, Melkor did not look happy. But he just stood there and bit his tongue. Whatever a tongue is.

Oh, crap! Here comes Aulë. I’ll finish later.