Posts Tagged ‘volcanos’

#48: The Battle of Sudden Flame is ON!!!


Date: December 28th, 455 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: stoked

Despite my advice, Melkor has decided in his infinite wisdom to strike against the Elves and eradicate them once and for all.

Not that I have any problem with eradicating the Elves, especially that asshole Thingol. And to be honest, it won’t be hard — the Elves have nothing on us in terms of power and military might.

But it’s too soon. Sure, we’ve been sending out Orc troops every once in a while, to test the Elves’ strength. Each time we do, and they “defeat” us, the Elves treat each skirmish as if it were some glorious battle. As if — these attacks are merely feints to draw out the enemy. Do you think we really care of we lose a few tens of thousands of Orcs? Those things breed like cockroaches!

On one occasion, one of the Flying Fire-Breathing Monsters (we still don’t have a name for these) escaped, before it was ready, and had to flee back to Angband with its tail between its legs. Now the Elves think they can beat anything we got.


Right now we are building an undefeatable Army of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death, one that will defeat even the filthy Valar traitors themselves. But it takes time. It’s only been a few centuries since Melkor escaped from Aman. Give me another millennium or two, and we’ll be ready!

But no. Melkor wants to attack now. The guy who’s so brilliant, he spent three eons imprisoned by the Valar, thinks it’s time to attack. Don’t listen to Sauron, who’s been doing all the actual work — reinforcing Angband, upgrading the Orcs, manufacturing Trolls, designing Wargs — what the hell would I know about it?

So, we’ll attack early. Fine.

There is an upside. As our first assault in the new war, I got to try out my patented Pyroclastic Attack. See, we dug so deep at Angband that we hit magma, so I designed a series of sluices that brought the magma up into giant reservoirs. Last night we blew the floodgates, and millions of metric tons of lava, ash and poisonous gas burst out onto Ard-galen, converting what was a hideous plain infested with bright green grasses and sickly white flowers into a beautiful wasteland of basalt and hyaloclastite. Yes!

I love it when one of my inventions works! Of course, my inventions always work.

Anyway, those Elves not immediately immolated by the lava are fleeing, leaving us plenty of room to send forth our forces — once the lava cools a bit.

We’re going to set out at tomorrow at dusk. Who knows — maybe we really can destroy the Elves in one fell swoop. Of course, Melkor isn’t taking Men into account, which is a mistake. Melkor always does that — he doesn’t take any enemy seriously, not until that enemy hands him his balls.

We’ll see what happens.

#19: I’m Not Too Fond Of The New Digs


Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: unapologetic

I would apologize for not posting in so long, but I’m not really in the mood to apologize for anything.

When the Dickless Prick and his little friends rose up against Melkor, I was all for pounding their asses right then and there. Melkor and I even argued about it. I pointed out that, since Arda was still all fiery and lava-ey, we could use the situation to our advantage. Rally the fire spirits and attack. Use Arda Itself as a weapon. Hurl all the forces of Fire and Heat against the Valar, and destroy them.

But Melkor was afraid that we would fail. He said that all of our power was tied up in the Creation — that by being the principal architects of Arda, we had placed too much of ourselves into the World. The Earth, Wind and Water spirits, on the other hand, had yet to spend their powers on Creation, and so still retained all their energy. He bid us to wait, until our enemies had used up all their fëar on Creation. Then we would attack.

So we have bided our time. And Melkor was right about one thing — the stupid-ass Valar have been happy to splooge their so-called “beauty” all over our ordered and efficient world.

Let me tell you what Arda looked like when Melkor and I were done with it — beautiful vales of igneous rock, filled with magnificent rivers of flowing lava. Volcanoes that sent golden sprays of molten rock high into the air, and filled the spaces above the Disc of the World with lovely flammable gases. It was as fantastic as it sounds.

Well, from our stronghold in the North, we’ve watched the so-called Valar destroy everything we worked for. The igneous vales are now covered in noxious soil, and the soil itself is infested with grasses that cover all like a mold. I have nothing against trees — the fires have to have something to burn — but now there are trees everywhere, blanketing the land in monochromatic green. I have nothing against water, either — the fires need something to boil — but you will not believe me when I tell you how much water they have used to drown the World. No less than seven tenths of the Disc’s surface is now hidden beneath foul-smelling, salty water! I think it’s just their attempt to put out our fires!

Fortunately, our fires burn deep underground, and even the seas of water can not extinguish them. You know why not? Workmanship.

Soon, the Valar will have expended all their energy on burying the World underneath a thin scum of imperfectible life. Then, their resources drained, we will attack.

I mentioned our “stronghold.” Ever since we redeployed to the North (not “fled” — redeployed), we have labored on constructing a great military base from which to launch our assault upon the Valar traitors. Basically, it’s a really deep pit surrounded by giant mountains. I don’t like it. Melkor sits at the bottom of the pit, brooding, while I have to direct all the spirits in its construction. I’m trying to make it something more interesting than a big hole– but since this is the first actual building in the history of Creation, I’m forced to make things up as I go along.

For instance, I’m still trying to figure out how people will get in and out of the fortress. If I make a hole in the mountain range, our enemies can get in. If I don’t, we can’t get out. One of the spirits of craft suggested that I put part of the wall on a hinge, so it can be pulled open and shut. That seems like a good idea. But what should we call it? I’ll have to ask the spirit — his name is Doër.

#17: The Planet of Arda is Completed


Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: exhausted

Well, it’s finally done. It wasn’t too bad — what with assembling the mathematical framework, building the initial singularity, setting off universal expansion, installing inflation and setting the Cosmological Constant, burning through the first generation galaxies to assemble the heavy elements, constructing the second order galaxies, and building Arda, it only took about 13.4 billion years. Which isn’t so long, really.

A whole lotta work to build one planet, though. Sheesh. Those so-called “Children of Ilúvatar” had better be grateful.

There was some controversy about the design of the planet, initially. Melkor and I came up with some really crazy ideas, like making the planet in the shape of a ship (whatever a “ship” is). But we realized that, what with gravitation and everything, that the most logical design was a flat disc. Sure, you can’t really do anything useful with the bottom side, but the top works as a nice stable platform for all the mountains and trees and shit.

The biggest flaw is that all the water runs off the edges. Ulmo wanted to make the world bowl-shaped, but he got voted down — that egotistical prick Manwë didn’t want anything blocking the view of his precious skies. I wanted to piss them both off, so I suggested a hollow sphere with the sky and water on the outside. LOL, you should have seen their faces.

Anyway, Melkor and I devoted ourselves to building the disk. We wanted to make sure the Fire Spirits, our close allies, had their own realm in Arda. So secretly, without consulting the others, we hollowed out the disk and built a realm of flame and lava inside the planet. Niiiiiice. Nothing they can do about it now.

It’s too bad all the beautiful flame is hidden under the earth, though. I’m thinking of poking a nice deep hole, to let the magma out onto the surface. Can you imagine it? A colossal mountain of cooled magma, with plumes of lava and smoke pouring out from the top! Sweeeet!

I might even be able to use its power for some magical experiments I’ve been thinking about.