Posts Tagged ‘Ulmo’

#51: Rooting Out Elves Is Like Digging for Chiggers

Sep
29

Date: October 12, 458 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: exasperated

I am getting really tired of Melkor and his fascination with these Elves.

It’s not a fascination — it’s an obsession. It’s like he cares what these little animals think of him. Personally, my sole interest, apart from killing Thingol, is in the traitors, the Valar and their filthy Maiar slaves, hiding behind the mountains in Aman. These are the enemy, not a slew of hairless monkeys.

Sure, I want to destroy Doriath, and murder Thingol in the most humiliating and painful way possible. And I can think of a lot of possibilities. But I only want to kill the Elf Thingol because he’s boning a Maia, Melian. My Melian. So you see, it’s an Ainur thing. Divine business. You screw over Sauron Gorthaur, Lord of Werewolves, Master of Tol-in-Gaurhoth, Chief of the Maiar, Lieutenant of Melkor the Lord of the Earth — and you will get screwed back.

And we know exactly where Doriath is located. It’s no mystery. We could destroy Doriath in a day, and still be free for dinner, except that Melian has encircled the land in a wall of enchantment and confusion. Believe me, she EXCELS at enchanting then confusing.

But we can get through that “girdle.” It will just take time and effort — time and effort the Boss would rather spend finding another two Elven kingdoms. Elven kingdoms we can’t locate, and which probably don’t exist.

By the way, that reminds me — guess who gave these idiotic Elves the idea to build hidden cities? No, guess! Ulmo! Remember that asshole? He’s the Valar responsible for water. Wow, that’s great, Ulmo — you’re in charge of one entire molecule! Me, I designed the metaphysical template of the cosmos, and was responsible for designing all the transition elements and all the metals and metalloids. And antimatter. And dark matter. But you’ve got dihydrogen oxide. Good work, dude!

It was the Dickless Prick, Manwë Súlimo, who decided all the traitors would hide in the Uttermost West while Melkor and I actually ran the damn planet. But Ulmo decided to defy Manwë, which would be promising, except he didn’t do it for any good reason. He’s defying Manwë so he can help all the widdle hewpwess Elves and Dwarves and Men.

So he sends messages to the mortals through rivers, streams, the rain, and… I don’t know… pissing, probably. And he told two of these so-called Elven “Kings” to build hidden kingdoms. One is a hole in the ground (does anyone EVER do anything that I didn’t think of first???), and the other — well, we have no idea. Seriously, it probably doesn’t exist.

But the other day Carcharoth discovered that a couple of Men actually found their way to this other hidden kingdom. No one knows where it is, but supposedly it exists and it’s somewhere near my new place on the River Sirion. So now it’s my job to search everywhere until I find this hidden city for Melkor.

Great. Like I didn’t have anything else to do.

#24: Ow, The Light! My Eyes!

Sep
24

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: frostbitten

Ow! Crap! I can barely see to type! I hate the freaking Valar SO MUCH!

We’re still in the Outer Dark — that’s on the FAR SIDE of the sky, in case you didn’t know — and I’m freezing my ass off. I’m still in the form of a great werewolf, and let me tell you, fur only does so much good. The fiery balrogs are just fine, of course, but the rest of us are gonna die of hypothermia soon.

After our “strategic redeployment” into the Void, Melkor declared that we would wait out here until the time was ripe to strike again. This caused quite a bit of grumbling amongst the troops, and I had to kick some asses. No one questions Melkor! Although personally, I think he’s just hoping Tulkas will decide to go back home to the Timeless Halls.

Melkor just isn’t the same since the First War. He doesn’t laugh, or make jokes (he used to make wicked jokes), and he’ll hardly talk to anyone except me. His wounds are healing, but he’ll never be quite as fair again. He spends all his time brooding, planning how to kill Manwë the Dickless Prick and Tulkas.

Anyway, we’ve been keeping a close eye on the Valar traitors from out here. As I said before, we can see into The World, but they can’t see out — the sky is like one-way glass. (I know what “glass” is — it’s melted sand. I know everything there is to know about melted and burned things.)

The Valar didn’t really repair any of the damage they did to Arda during the First War — I don’t know if they’re lazy, or they just don’t care, or they like the coastlines and mountain ranges to be all jaggedy and irregular — who knows?

Yavanna (she’s the girlfriend of Aulë, my idiot former boss) went around doing her seed-planting thing, and now The World is once again buried under moldy green growth. Almost all the volcanoes have been plugged up, and there’s no magma anywhere. Ulmo has the seas all calmed down and placid, although I notice that Ossë likes to batter the coasts with some really cool storms. How the hell did Ossë not end up on our team? (Note to self — see if Ossë can be lured over.)

Then the Valar started working on some mysterious project. I couldn’t figure out what they were doing from so far away, and I begged Melkor for permission to go back into Arda and spy on the Valar — but he wouldn’t hear of it.

They built these two enormous towers, one in the far north and one in the south. (Let me explain about north, south, east and west. These are arbitrary directions devised by Melkor. He decided to call the direction from which we entered into the world “west,” and then the others follow from that.) Anyway, these towers totally and completely violate the laws of physics, the laws that I worked so hard on! Any structure that tall should be crushed under its own weight, and collapse the crust beneath it.

But ohhhhh no, when Manwë and his cronies want something, they just cheat.

So they erect these towers, and Varda comes along to place something at the top of the northern one. Of course, I’m looking right at it because I want to know what’s going on. And then…

VOOM! I’m blind!

She filled the top of the tower with pure, unadulterated LIGHT! Not just photons, but the archetypal essence of light. And it’s bright — bright enough to fill half of Arda with blinding illumination!

I’m still rubbing my eyes with my paws, trying to clear away the little squigglies from my vision. Then — yes, you guessed it — she fires up the southern tower. Now the whole world is bathed in light! And of course, it all bounces off the surface of the Disc and out into the Void!

Everyone is shielding their eyes and complaining, while Melkor just stares down in steely anger. Don’t get me wrong, we had a plan to light the world — that’s what the magma was for! Our world was going to have light for the creatures who needed it, dark for the creatures who needed that (like wolves, ahem), and lots of phosphorous raining from the sky for the plants.

The idiotic Valar now have everything bathed in unchanging light. What the hell are nocturnal animals supposed to do? Don’t these people think?

Let me tell you, the first thing that comes down when we take over again is those blasted towers. Stupid, just stupid.

#22: War — Not As Much Fun As It Sounded

Sep
18

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: exhausted

I was going to wait until the end of the battle to blog again. But this damned fight has been going on for so long, I’m not sure it well ever end.

How long have we been fighting the Valar? Who knows? No one has yet invented a way to measure time. There are no “Spirits of Time,” which if you ask me is a serious oversight on Eru’s part. One of many. The point is I don’t know. Eons, at least.

It all started so well. We carefully watched the Valar, and when they were at their least watchful, Melkor deemed it time to strike. He led us up and out of the pits, and we roared across the face of the Disc of the World, Melkor in front. In his rage he grew until his crown reached the clouds and his feet crushed the earth, and his breath was ice and his eyes fire.

Behind him came the Hosts of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Guys.

We took those ghey-ass Valar and their sniveling Maiar toadies completely by surprise. They were having some kind of party, I don’t know, celebrating leaves or something, when a great cloud of foul smoke and searing flame spread across the horizon, and we charged down upon them, crushing every living thing in our path. In moments we were upon them, crushing, burning and skewering everything with pointy ears.

Now the Valar were caught unawares, but not completely unprepared. They had armor — not solid and black like ours, but thin and shiny. And they had weapons — not like our heavy iron killing implements, designed to puncture and crush, but lithe little slivers of glossy metal called “swords,” which look flimsy but work surprisingly well.

And of course they had magic. When Melkor called down a rain of fire, that weasel Ulmo summoned forth a rain of cool clean water. When Melkor spewed forth a black miasma of creeping death, Yavanna raised her hands and met it with a spreading wall of bright green growth. When Melkor threw down a mountain to crush our foes, that ass-munch Aulë just raised up another one. I can’t believe I used to take orders from that guy.

The unfair part, of course, is that individually, Melkor could take all thirteen of the Valar. Not one could face him alone. All together, they are barely his match.

While Melkor battled the renegade Valar, I led the Hosts against the Army of the Maiar. I gotta tell ya, our guys may look scary — certainly the Balrogs cause a lot of Maiar trousers to get soiled — but it’s nothing compared to me. When I come tearing over a ravine in the form of a humongous werewolf, slavering teeth spraying acidic drool in my path, my eyes burning with the fires of Perdition, well — let’s just say people run.

In fact, for a while I had trouble finding anyone to fight! I just ran around routing any groups of Maiar I came across, and barked (heh – literally) orders to those trolls and monsters too stupid or too scared to know what to do.

I did have this weird encounter. I was chewing on some Maiar I caught hiding under an upturned continental plate, when I was attacked from behind by a little Maia with a sword. I spat out my snack and spun about, cuffing my enemy with a massive paw. Then I stepped on his little chest and pinned him to the cooling magma.

I recognized him — Olórin, an air spirit, one of those most vocal in supporting the prickless dick Manwë in his cowardly coup against Melkor.

I slobbered all over him while I decided how best to dispatch him. I had already injured a number of Maiar so thoroughly that they were reduced to weakened wisps, unable to take shape again within the World. It’s the closest to death we can get. And let me tell you, it’s never gonna happen to me.

Anyway, while I was deciding whether to bit his head off, or just claw him to pieces, Olórin spoke to me. Which was weird, considering how I was killing him. He spoke very calmly, like we were having a nice discussion over tea.

“Sauron, Lord of Craft,” spoke he, “release me. Turn aside from the path to Darkness, and return with me to the Light. Beg the pardon of Manwë, and all will be forgiven. Join us in our great work, for your skill is sorely missed.”

Now I have to admit that for a moment there, I was moved by his words, wise and gentle as they were. Perhaps Melkor had indeed led us astray. Perhaps the plans of Eru were best, and I would be wise to submit to His will.

BWA HA HA HA HA! I am so just kidding! I didn’t think any of those things. As if. It’s what that little puke Olórin expected me to think. What a moron.

I laughed so hard, Olórin was able to wriggle free and run off. Who cares? He’s too weak to ever hurt me. Let him go cower under a rock somewhere.

Can you imagine? Me apologize to the Dickless Prick? He’s the traitor and thief, not me. All I’ve ever done is what was right. I have nothing to apologize for.

I haven’t seen Huan, I think he’s avoiding me. Good for him. I did catch a glimpse of Melian, battling an enormous troll. I avoided her. I hope she gets killed.

Okay, I don’t. But I hope she gets hurt really, really badly.

Well, the battle is still going on, and I gotta go. I’m going to create a diversion while a platoon of Watchers in the Water sneak up from behind out of a poison mire.

#17: The Planet of Arda is Completed

Dec
20

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: exhausted

Well, it’s finally done. It wasn’t too bad — what with assembling the mathematical framework, building the initial singularity, setting off universal expansion, installing inflation and setting the Cosmological Constant, burning through the first generation galaxies to assemble the heavy elements, constructing the second order galaxies, and building Arda, it only took about 13.4 billion years. Which isn’t so long, really.

A whole lotta work to build one planet, though. Sheesh. Those so-called “Children of Ilúvatar” had better be grateful.

There was some controversy about the design of the planet, initially. Melkor and I came up with some really crazy ideas, like making the planet in the shape of a ship (whatever a “ship” is). But we realized that, what with gravitation and everything, that the most logical design was a flat disc. Sure, you can’t really do anything useful with the bottom side, but the top works as a nice stable platform for all the mountains and trees and shit.

The biggest flaw is that all the water runs off the edges. Ulmo wanted to make the world bowl-shaped, but he got voted down — that egotistical prick Manwë didn’t want anything blocking the view of his precious skies. I wanted to piss them both off, so I suggested a hollow sphere with the sky and water on the outside. LOL, you should have seen their faces.

Anyway, Melkor and I devoted ourselves to building the disk. We wanted to make sure the Fire Spirits, our close allies, had their own realm in Arda. So secretly, without consulting the others, we hollowed out the disk and built a realm of flame and lava inside the planet. Niiiiiice. Nothing they can do about it now.

It’s too bad all the beautiful flame is hidden under the earth, though. I’m thinking of poking a nice deep hole, to let the magma out onto the surface. Can you imagine it? A colossal mountain of cooled magma, with plumes of lava and smoke pouring out from the top! Sweeeet!

I might even be able to use its power for some magical experiments I’ve been thinking about.

#15: “Valar” and “Maiar?” I Didn’t Sign Up for That!

Sep
22

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: let down

Well, we’ve gotten started on building and assembling the World of Arda. Melkor is doing most of the heavy lifting, of course, taking charge of the project and overseeing all the lesser spirits.

Most of the work has involved the spontaneous generation of matter and energy. I’m proud to say the Fire Spirits have been most helpful in this matter, and the most eager to bend to the wisdom of Melkor. I’ve been spending a lot of time corralling the useless Earth, Air and Water Spirits. These morons are all over the map, and Creation would be nothing but a muddy pile if someone didn’t whip these imbeciles into shape.

I saw Melian today. She looked great. I wanted to say hello, but I was too nervous.

Anyway. Of course, we got trouble right away from the Manwë/Ulmo contingent. Neither of these guys had any clout back in the Timeless Halls — but come to Arda, and all of a sudden they think they’re gods or something. Melkor was second only to Eru back in the Halls; that means he’s second to NO ONE in Arda.

I suspect this is something Manwë and Ulmo will have to be taught. Eventually.

To shut up some of the noisier Ainur, Melkor came up with a plan, and I really don’t like it. Fifteen of the Ainur, eight male and seven female, are to be anointed “Valar,” or Greater Spirits. The rest will be “Maiar,” or Lesser Spirits.

I’m to be a Maia. SAURON DOES NOT APPROVE.

Melkor spent a long time calming me down, and explaining this to me. He says he needs me to work directly under him; that as Second-in-Command to the Greatest of the Valar, I will be the second most powerful, the Greatest of the Maiar.

Bullshit.

He also says he’s setting up Manwë, Ulmo, Oromë and the others. They’ll accept all this power and responsibility, and fail — then it will be clear that all power should accrue to Melkor. And me.

Now Huan is telling me he’s HAPPY to be a Maia. What a dumbass.

#12: Welcome To The World, Now Can I Go Home?

Aug
31

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: drained

Well, I am writing this from within the World of Arda. I suppose I should be thrilled — instead I am tired and confused.

I would say about a third of the Hosts of the Ainur volunteered to enter Eä, the World That Is. Most wanted to go; but some went out of service or friendship to someone else. Huan made a big deal out of the fact he was coming for my sake. I mean, I’m glad, but I didn’t ask him to come. I don’t need him. Truthfully, he’s really not on my level. I plan to make new friends in Arda.

Lots and lots of Ainur went because Melkor was going. Most of the fire spirits, a whole bunch of darkness spirits, and many spirits of craft like myself. But lots of air, earth, and water spirits too.

Especially water spirits. Ulmo is their leader — I guess he’s a friend of that stupid air spirit, Manwë. But Ossë came too, and he’s pretty cool, in small doses.

Who else went? Melian. I’ve always had a crush on her — she is smoking hot. She’s with the forest spirits, who I think went into Arda just so they could find out what the hell a “forest” is. Oh Eru, and speaking of women — just as we were preparing to enter the World, Ungoliant came slithering up. You should have seen the look on Melkor’s face — he was definitely hoping to ditch her.

And Manwë tried to give a speech before we descended. What a despicable prick. But Melkor just cut him off. There’s no love lost there.

Melkor was the first to descend, of course. He didn’t even look back at Eru. We’re not going to be needing Him anymore.

And guess who was second? Manwë tried to cut in front of me, but I just stomped on his instep and jumped ahead. After Melkor, I, Sauron, was first into the World of Arda.

It was horrible.

As I passed from the immaterial and incorporeal to the material and corporeal, I felt myself stretched beyond breaking, and yet crushed into nothing, as wide as the World and yet small as a speck of dust. I felt myself forced through an impenetrable barrier, my very being fractured and demolished, then reassembled and made whole.

The pain was unbearable.

When I came to my senses, I found myself in a tiny realm of unbearable cold and total darkness. At first I panicked, certain that something had gone wrong. Was it all a trick? Had Eru fashioned a prison for all who denied Him, who desired time and contingency and sensation over an eternity of singing praises?

Then I heard Melkor calling my name, followed soon by the mingled shouts and protestations of the other Ainur.

We had arrived, passing into Eä, the World That Is, and at its center, Arda, the World of the Vision of the Ainulindalë.

So far, it really sucks.