Posts Tagged ‘Two Trees of Valinor’

#45: Why Does Everyone Care So Much About These Idiotic Rocks?

May
15

Date: April 2nd, 1 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: annoyed

Well, Melkor and I have managed to spew enough smoke, vapors, filth and obtenebration out over the northern lands that we can move about freely during the day without worrying about that bitch Arien seeing what we’re doing, or burning us with her terrible light. We do not like the Yellow Face, as the Orcs call it.

Anyway, after learning what I did from that Elf chained to that rock, I immediately sought out Melkor. It wasn’t hard — all he does is sit in the Uttermost Pits of Angband, sulking.

I made him show me these “Silmarils,” and tell me the whole story over again. He’s got them set into a great iron crown, which apparently he was taking off and hiding from me whenever I came around. What is he, 12 years old?

It seems that if Melkor hadn’t gotten his panties in a bunch about these idiotic rocks, Beleriand would not be overrun with so-called “Noldor” even as we speak. Regular Elves are pretty easy to kill (unless that bitch Melian is watching their backs), but these Noldor suckled at the Valar teat for thousands of years (or what would have been years, if there had been a Sun), and are pretty powerful. Certainly, not powerful enough to defeat us, by any stretch — but powerful enough to be very annoying.

Now we’re gonna have to dig them out of their hidey holes and regain political control of Middle Earth. As if I didn’t have enough to do. It might take centuries!

But the thing I don’t get is these Silmarils. What’s the big deal?

This Fëanor guy, who sounds like he might have been pretty cool if he’d been on our side, created these three glowing crystals out of the Light of the Idiotic Trees. Indeed, it seems that the Stinking Valar Traitors might have been able to use the Silmarils to heal the trees, if Fëanor hadn’t refused to give them up. Good for him.

But why Melkor chose to steal the Shiny Rocks of Stupidity is beyond me. In fact, if he had just left them for the Valar, they could have resuscitated the trees, and we wouldn’t have to hide from a Sun or a Moon. Good work, Melkor!

But it’s not just Melkor who is obsessed with these rocks. Apparently Fëanor’s sons are hot to get the stones back; and all the various Balrogs and Trolls and Orcs and all love to go down to the Throne Room and stare at the Iron Crown. Why? (Actually, it’s not so much of a Throne Room as a Throne Pit. Well, just a Pit.)

I’ve examined them closely, and it seems the Silmarils have some strange property that causes almost everyone, Vala, Maia or Mortal, to obsessively desire to possess them. It’s weird, because the stones aren’t evil — there’s no Evil in them whatsoever.

I’m immune, but I’m not sure why. It could be important, I’ll have to figure it out.

Wait — Carcharoth says there’s some kind of awful Elven caterwauling coming from Thangorodrim. I’d better check it out.

#41: Melkor is Back!

Nov
4

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: stunned

Melkor is back! No, really! It turns out that noise was him!

Apparently, after the war, the Valar traitors dragged Melkor back to Valinor and threw him in the Halls of Mandos, where they kept him imprisoned for three ages.

Has it really been three ages? I wouldn’t know. How long is an “age?”

Anyway, they eventually let Melkor free, and Manwë the Dickless Prick actually pardoned him, seemingly convinced that three ages sitting in dark hole was gonna put Melkor in a better mood. What the hell is wrong with that guy? I mean, just how stupid is he?

So Melkor decided to hang out for a while in Valinor, and get up to some mischief. He says the place is just crawling with Elves, so Melkor spent a bunch of time screwing with them. I didn’t really listen to this part – Melkor went on and on about all these freakin’ Elves and their families and arguments. Who cares?

Anyway, the Valar finally figured out that Melkor wasn’t “reformed,” so he escaped south to the land Avathar, which is in Valinor but on the other side of the Pelóri, so it wasn’t poisoned by the light of those insipid trees. And guess who he found there?

No, guess!

Ungoliant! Remember her, the really weird chick from back in the Timeless Halls? Turns out she’s been living down south in spider form, eating everything in sight. I am not at all surprised she got fat.

So Melkor hooked up with Ungoliant, and convinced her to help him attack those moronic trees, which they did. Ungoliant sucked all the life and light out of them, and now they’re just a couple of dried-out husks. Excellent work, if you ask me.

Long story short, Melkor and Ungoliant escaped. They stopped off at some guy’s house to kill him and take his magic rocks — seriously, anything about Elves and I just tune out — and then they crossed the grinding ice of the Helcaraxë and made it back to Middle Earth.

That’s when Ungoliant decided to attack Melkor. It was Melkor who was screaming when I sent the Balrogs to go check it out. Seriously, Melkor has really lost the old mojo if Ungoliant can almost kick his ass.

The Balrogs showed up, drove Ungoliant away, and brought Melkor back here to Angband. End of story.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I have fixed feelings about Melkor being back. But I do have to say this: he is PISSED.

And that, my friends, can only be a good thing.

#36: The Orcs Are Coming Along Nicely, Thank You

Apr
5

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vomitous

Well, the elves have pretty much left Middle Earth. That’s not to say they all accepted the “invitation” from Valinor — lots of elves stayed behind. The so-called “Eldar,” who have wandered off to grovel at the feet of the Valar traitors, call the elves who stayed behind “Dark Elves.” I call them “tomorrow’s loyal thralls.”

I have spies amongst the Eldar, of course. And when the Elves balked at traveling across the sea, I assumed a pleasing form and walked among them. Yes, I encouraged them to flee to the Uttermost West.

Why, you ask? Well first of all, I don’t need them. The new “Melkorized Elves” we’ve been working on are coming along nicely. I’ve even invented a language for them, The Black Speech. In that tongue they call themselves “uruk.” But they’re not ready for prime time, yet. Soon.

Second, this is the perfect way to get my spies into Valinor. Right now, I have no idea what’s going on over there. And I fear I don’t have the power to pass through Valinor unheeded, not with those stupid trees radiating light everywhere.

I need to know what they did with Melkor. Is he a prisoner? Or was he banished from the world?

Or… did he “repent” and join with the Valar? I hate to even think it. When Carcharoth dared to suggest it, I clawed him to within an inch of his life. But secretly, I fear it’s a possibility.

Melkor begging forgiveness from The Dickless Prick — it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Then again, he could be cozening up to Manwë, planning to betray him later.

I have no way of knowing. These stupid Elves need to travel faster, and get to Valinor already. Maybe I’ll set some Wargs on their tail.

#30: I’m Bored

Nov
9

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: bored

I just got back from sowing the seeds of dissension amongst the Maiar of Valinor. A number of the spirits whom I turned to Melkor’s service before the second war are still willing to serve us, even that moron Curunír. Remember I tasked him with keeping Tulkas unconscious during the Second War, and he failed miserably. Now he’s begging for a second chance. We’ll see.

The Valar have discovered a method for measuring time, and I don’t like it. Their two miserable glowing trees rise and fall in luminosity according to a pattern, and they use counts of that pattern to measure the passage of time. They’re all like, “When dost thou wish to sing the praises of Manwë?” and the other guy says “When the lights of blessed Telperion and Laurelin have mingled their sweet light one hundred times less twelve, then we shall meet to to sing the praises of Manwë.”

What a bunch of pretentious assholes.

I mean, for one thing how do they know that the trees’ oscillation cycle is regular? They only have the trees themselves as a standard of comparison! Now if they’d asked me, I would have suggested a unit of time equivalent to the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the Caesium 133 atom at a temperature of 0 Kelvin. But that’s just me.

Anyway, now that we have a system for measuring time, the eons just seem that much looooonger. Immortality never really bothered me before, because I didn’t even think about how long things took. Now I keep looking at the clock.

I’m bored.

Soon Melkor will be ready to assail the Valar. Then we’ll have some excitement. And after the accursed trees are destroyed, I won’t have to worry about being bored anymore.

#29: Trees? Glowing Trees? Really? That’s The Best You Could Do?

Nov
2

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: incredulous

Well, I found the Valar. No, they didn’t flee Arda — we should be so lucky. They just went into hiding. What a bunch of sniveling cowards.

As I said, I searched all over Middle Earth and found no trace of the treasonous bastards. But then I remembered there are a couple of other continents — practice continents, really, in the far East and West.

As I approached the western continent, I noticed it was… pointier… than I remembered it. Someone had thrown up a wall of ridiculously high mountains. And if anyone’s going to be running around remaking the world and violating the Laws of Physics for their own convenience, it’s the Valar.

I flew up over the top of the mountains (like mountains are going to stop us — we can fly!) and was dismayed to see all of the continent behind the mountains bathed in light. Not the good kind of light you get from burning people alive, but the nasty bright painful light you get from that bitch Yavanna.

I assumed a pleasing shape and mingled. The Valar have forced their Maiar slaves to build a city — they call it Valmar. The name is supposed to mean “City of Bells,” but I think it’s better translated as “ostentatious and dull.”

Now apparently, Manwë ‘s new plan, since we kicked his ass royally in the Second War, is to sit and hide behind his mountain range for all of eternity. Yes, you heard right — the Valar have surrendered!

It’s not good enough, of course. We’re not going to sit around — Melkor and I, I mean — and let these scumbag traitors hide out in the Uttermost West while we do all the real work of running the world. Oh no. When I told Melkor what the Valar had done, he immediately started planning an offensive. We’re going to drive those scumbags out of The World, and back to the welcoming teat of Eru Ilúvatar. Let them all sit in the Timeless Halls for all eternity, mourning their failures, while we celebrate absolute mastery over Creation.

But I haven’t mentioned yet where the light is coming from. It seems Yavanna created two glowing trees. That’s right, glowing trees. One is silver, the other gold, and they fill all of Valinor (that’s what they call the continent, Valinor) with their pestilential light. At least the mountains keep the light from staining the perfect darkness of Middle Earth.

Melkor was able to single-handedly tear down the accursed Lamps. I can’t imagine he’ll have much trouble with trees. Maybe he’ll let me do it.