Posts Tagged ‘Three Elven Rings’

#75: I Have My Boot So Far Up Celebrimbor’s Ass He Can Smell My Toes

Nov
9

Date: June 14th, 1697 S.A.
My Mood Is: victorious

Celebrimbor Silverhand, Lord of Eregion and Maker of the Elven Rings of Power, is sitting in his bathroom, crying.

Seems he had been warned, by Galadriel and Elrond and Gil-Galad, not to trust “Annatar, Lord of Gifts.” Seems they told him not to collaborate with me. Seems they warned him not to make the Rings of Power, nor the Three Elven Rings. (Although they were happy enough to accept them!)

And now, here Celebrimbor sits, his palace in flames; the green fields and woods of Hollin razed and burned; his people slain, raped and scattered; his halls overrun with Orcs and Trolls and Wargs; and outside his bathroom door The Dark Lord, waiting patiently for him to come out and face his death.

Come on out, you silly bastard. And if you’ve got any Elven Rings in there, bring them out too.

I must say that the Mordorian War Machine has surpassed all my expectations. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that I’ve enslaved and bred far more Evil Men, Orcs, Wargs, Trolls and Mûmakil than I could ever expect to use. (A Mûmak is a kind of “Dire Wooly Mammoth,” smelly but deadly. I call them “deathyderms.”) My armies are enormous. No power on Arda, not even the Valar themselves, could defy me now.

BWA HA HA HA!

I have the Orcs searching the palaces, the citadel and the countryside, looking for anything that might be a magic ring. They won’t find anything – Celebrimbor is stupid, but not that stupid. All the minor rings were here, of course, but the three biggies – Narya, Nenya, and Vilya – are hidden. But not for long.

Still, it’s necessary to keep the Orcs busy, or they start to get their own ideas.

Let me see — I’ve got 16 of the lesser rings right here, taken right from off Celebrimbor’s work table. These will be VERY useful indeed, enslaved as they all are to my Master Ring. And although the Three are hidden, those morons in Lindon don’t dare use them without revealing themselves to me.

My next step will be to consolidate my military hold on Eriador, and then take Lindon. Gil-Galad and his Noldor cronies will fall; and the Three Elven Rings will be MINE!

But first, it’s time to break down this silly bathroom door. I tire of Celebrimbor’s blubbering. I’ll crush his skull and be done with it.

Good times.

#73: Celebrimbor Must Pay for His Crimes

Aug
19

Date: March 26th, 1601 S.A.
My Mood Is: retributive

They took off the Rings???

Un-FUCKING-believable. All this work down the drain. And all the Elven Rings needed was a simple spell to make them impossible to remove.

And whose fault is this? Celebrimbor’s, of course! That double-dealing bastard!

Alright, Sauron, calm down. Think. You can salvage the Master Plan. The Children of Ilúvatar can still be your slaves. The Rings are still out there, all 19 of them, and they are all slaves to the Ring of Power.

What to do, what to do.

Okay, first of all, CONGRATULATE ME. This isn’t a disaster — I made the Ring of Power! With this new Ring, I am far more powerful than I was before. More powerful than stupid ol’ Melkor, even. In fact, the first thing I’m going to do is complete my Black Spiky Tower of Unimaginable Evil. I’ll think I’ll call it Lugbúrz, which is “Dark Tower” in the Black Speech; Barad-dûr in Elfy-talk. Yes, Barrrrad-dûrrrrrr — roll those “rrrs,” very nice.

Step 2: Find and kill Celebrimbor, and get back my three Elven Rings. Yes, MINE — he made them, but he used MY knowledge and MY experience to do it. And while I’m at it, I’ll take the other 16 as well. Maybe find someone who will appreciate them — some Men, or even Dwarves. (And believe me, the first thing I’ll do is add a non-removal charm!)

Step 3: Do what I should have done in the first place. Forget all this “Annatar” crapola, and lead the armies of Mordor, Harad and Rhûn in a great war against the remaining Noldoran exiles and their allies. Who’s going to stop me now, the Númenóreans? They live across the sea, and don’t give a crap about Gil-Galad and his mincing Elven cronies.

Yes. The Ring of Power is the key. It’s so beautiful, so perfect. I’ve been spending a lot of time admiring it, and why shouldn’t I? It’s the single most powerful magical artifact ever created, except maybe — MAYBE — for the stupid ol’ Silmarils, and they didn’t actually do anything except shine and drive Elves crazy.

No, the Ring of Power is what will allow me mastery over all of Arda. It’s The Shit.

Watch out, Celebrimbor, I’m coming for you.

Now, where were those architectural plans? Barrrrrrrrrad-dûrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

#72: LIVEBLOGGING: Sauron Gorthaur is Triumphant!!!!

Aug
12

Date: March 25th, 1601 S.A.
My Mood Is: triumphant

Today is the culmination of all my plans. Today, Sauron Gorthaur reappears and takes his rightful place as Lord of All Middle-earth. Today I am triumphant!

And today is my birthday!

So I’m liveblogging this. I want everyone to share in the glory of my inevitable victory. Pay attention for updates!

8:46 am

First, some background. Celebrimbor betrayed me and created three Elven Rings without me, so he could give one to Galadriel, his erstwhile girlfriend, and one to Gil-Galad, his supposed king. It’s okay — those boneheads would never have accepted any Rings I helped make. It all supports PHASE TWO of Project Magic Ring, which concludes today!

So right now, the three of them are wearing the Rings that Celebrimbor made — that he made using the knowledge I taught him. One Ring of Fire, one of Water, one of Air.

All waiting for ME to seize control!

9:30 am

Just arrived at the Sammath Naur, what the Orcs call “The Cracks of Doom” because I’m always throwing them down them. This is a large, stylish opening I fashioned in the side of Mount Orodruin, my personal volcano. (You should seriously consider getting a personal volcano. They’re tight.)

I’ve been experimenting here with various kinds of magma-based jewelry-making, and I’m certain I’m ready. Today is the day!

12:26 pm

Curses! It’s tough to do fine detail work with magma. I dropped my first attempt into the lava, and it melted — a whole morning’s work ruined. My creation will be indestructible, except here in the lava of the Cracks of Doom. It’s only a -1 disad because after all, what are the chances someone would march all the way through Mordor to throw the thing into the volcano? Zero, that’s what.

Anyway, now starting on Mark II.

4:12 pm

Okay, I have crafted a Ring that will be a vessel for the majority of my fëa. Like I said before, if I put a majority of my power into a magical talisman, I can use my Maia powers in a variety of ways simultaneously. And more importantly, I will be able to exert absolute control over whomever wears the Elven Rings. Control the Lords of the Wise, and you control Middle-earth!

Now it’s time to place my power into the Ring. This will require quite a few eldritch magicks, several unholy ceremonies, and a lot of human sacrifices. Better get to work.

9:43 pm

Exhausted. Must rest. One of my eyes red and fiery — maybe an infection. But experiment a success; the better part of my power now resides in the Ring. It’s beautiful, the crowning achievement of a long career. I don’t think I have ever made anything so subtle, so clever, so simple. So precious.

It sits in my hand, cooling — almost down to 1,000 degrees now. I can’t stop looking at it. But it’s more than jewelry; this Ring is a weapon. One that I will use to turn the Children of Ilúvatar to my service. Then I will destroy the Valar traitors and their Maiar slaves, kill those who betrayed me, and — if he’s lucky, and I’m feeling lenient — rescue Melkor from the Outer Dark.

But first… must rest.

11:58 pm

It’s time.

Every one of the 16 magic rings Celebrimbor and I created has a “back door,” a line of magical code that allows me to “hack in” and exert control over the fëa of the wearer. Ol’ Kelly doesn’t know that, of course. He created his three Elven Rings using the same technique. Once I put on this Ring, the Lords of the Wise will be my slaves!

Then they will know for a fact that Annatar, Lord of Gifts is truly SAURON, LORD OF THE EARTH! All will bow before me and DESPAIR!

Their three Rings will be slaves to my One! One Ring to rule them all! One Ring to find them! One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them! Yes! YES!!!

I am putting on the One Ring — NOW!

Oh, the power! I can see EVERYTHING! It’s as if Arda were young again, back when we Ainur wore no hröar! When we were spirits of perfect energy, our faces bare against the world!

And now I can feel the rings — the 16 lesser rings, and there! The three Elven Rings! All three in Lindon, where those idiots sit together, planning great deeds! I can hear their thoughts and see into their souls!

Sorry, morons! Listen up! I AM SAURON! I possess the Ring of Power! And from now on, I AM IN CHARGE!

Wait, what? What’s going on? Something’s wrong!

I can’t read their minds any more! The connection is broken! But how? How is that possible?

They… they…

They took off the Rings.

THEY TOOK OFF THE RINGS?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#71: Nineteen Rings for the Elven-kings Under the Sky

Aug
7

Date: March 15, 1523 S.A.
My Mood Is: pleased

Project Magic Ring, my co-effort with Celebrimbor of Eregion to create a series of powerful magic rings (hence the name), is proving a tremendous success. So far, the Elf and I have created 16 rings, each with a different enchantment on it that conveys upon the wearer a specific magic ability.

The Invisibility Ring is our favorite. Ol’ Kelly (that’s what I call Celebrimbor) is quite the prankster, and he has played many a saucy jape against this or that Elf-maiden of the Gwaith-i-Mírdain whilst unseen. He’s quite a card. The Elf-maids don’t appreciate the humor, though. I’m not sure why.

I myself am most proud of the Spirit Presence Ring, the Eye of Far-Seeing Ring, and the Ring of Sexual Prowess. That last was my idea, and it’s for Celebrimbor, so to encourage him to seek the hand of Galadriel (and the death of that grinning idiot Celeborn). And by “seek the hand” of Galadriel, I mean he should seek something else. Heh heh heh.

You know what I mean. Heh heh.

You know. Heh.

Her vagina.

Anyway. Even as we have finished these rings, I have learned something astonishing, but which plays into my plans perfectly.

Celebrimbor is betraying me.

So why am I in such a good mood? Shouldn’t ol’ Sauron Gorthaur be seeking revenge against yet another traitorous, so-called “friend?” Ah, but that would be Sauron Gorthaur. I am Annatar, remember?

Celebrimbor has decided to forge three “secret” Elven rings behind my back. How did I discover this? Remember I have to take off every once in a while — I call them “sabbaticals” — when in fact I’m off to Mordor, or visiting my properties in Far Harad, or supervising the harrying of the Númenóreans. While I’m gone, I need someone to keep an eye on Kelly – so I recruited spies from amongst his people, mostly those jealous of his power and talent.

So yes, I’d be homicidally angry, except that Celebrimbor doesn’t know about PHASE TWO. If he had any idea of my Master Plan, he would have refused to create any rings in the first place. Now he will be betrayed by his own betrayal. Hoisted by his own petard.

Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Celebrimbor plans to gift one Ring to Galadriel (that should go over great with her husband) and another to Gil-Galad, keeping the third for himself. Nice way to elect yourself one of the Wise of Arda. Annatar approves.

As soon as the Rings are given, I will head straight to Mordor. Soon, all three will be my slaves. And then Sauron Gorthaur will RULE THE WORLD! BWA HA HA HA HA!

>Cough< Heh.