Posts Tagged ‘Orcs’

#70: I Have a Foolproof Plan Involving Magic Rings…

Jul
20

Date: December 25, 1502 S.A.
My Mood Is: conspiratorial

So much to do, and so few centuries to do it.

I’m ready to start building my Black Spiky Tower of Unimaginable Evil. All the pieces are in place, and I’ve pretty much cornered the Endorian market in obsidian. In the process, Mordor has shaped up nicely into a real nation. I’m especially proud that the Orcs, for so long subjugated under Melkor’s careless rule and hunted by Elves and Men, finally have an ethnic homeland of their own, where they can stand tall and proud, enslaved under my despotic theocracy.

Also, I’ve been dealing with these damned Númenóreans, by sending waves of Orcs and loyal Men to harry their coastal settlements. My people always gets slaughtered, because the Númenóreans have far better technology than they rightfully should — it seems the accursed Valar give tech to the Teleri, who pass it along to the Númenóreans. Their ships have carvel hulls with lateen rigging; they use naphtha and gunpowder; they refine steel in crucibles. This crap is all Tech Level 4, and the rest of Middle-earth is clearly Tech Level 2. It’s totally unfair.

Still, the harrying has its intended effect, and the Númenóreans have failed to expand much beyond Umbar. I hear they have explored the far reaches of the East of Middle Earth, and even seen the Gates of Morning — but who cares? I’ve seen the Gates of Morning, it’s shit.

Then there’s Celebrimbor and the Master Plan.

Remember when I said that Celebrimbor hated Galadriel? Well, turns out it’s all an act. We got drunk late one night (and by “we” I mean “he”), and he admitted that he has always been in love with her. He says she’s the most beautiful woman who ever dwelt in Arda, Lúthien Tinúviel notwithstanding. Me, I don’t see it.

Anyway, he fantasizes about replacing Celeborn as her husband, and together they rule as High King & Queen of the Noldor. “Why not of all the Elves?” I asked. Of course, this would fit in with my plans perfectly. Unfortunately, Celebrimbor views his dream all as an impossible delusion.

We’ll see about that.

I finally launched Phase One of my Master Plan. I pitched to Celebrimbor a new project: MAGIC RINGS. Lots of Elves have magical powers; Galadriel and Elrond can read minds, for instance. Why not make these powers available to all The Wise? We enchant these various Rings with specific spells — levitation, spirit sight, magic missile, psionics, invisibility, etc. Then we distribute them to those Elves worthy of using them.

Celebrimbor LOVES it. Of course he does — I designed the scheme with him in mind. We’ve already begin work.

This puts Celebrimbor in the position to decide who gets what Ring, and I’m sure this has occurred to him. He will be able to wield a great deal of political power, and not just magical power, with these Rings. Power, possibly, for Celebrimbor to grow Eregion into a real Elven nation, and to set things the way he would like them to be, in regards to Galadriel and Gil-Galad.

But this is only Phase One. Celebrimbor has no clue about PHASE TWO. The part of the plan where Annatar, Lord of Gifts is revealed as Sauron Gorthaur, Lord of the Earth. The part where Sauron becomes Master of all the Children of Ilúvatar.

Bwa ha ha. BWA HA HA. BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

#68: It’s Been a Busy Five Centuries

Jul
1

Date: November 16th, 998 S.A.
My Mood Is: exhausted

Hey everybody. Sorry I haven’t blogged in so long, but it’s been a busy five centuries.

Last time I wrote, I had just discovered Mordor and decided it would make a great secret base. Also, I had made friends with Celebrimbor, chief of the Gwaith-i-Mírdain and grandson of Fëanor.

Well, Mordor is coming along nicely. I’ve summoned all the Orcs I can find, along with some slaves from the East, and set them building and farming the arable land in the South, in Núrn. The Orcs don’t know I’m Sauron, because they might spill it to the Men who might spill it to the Elves. But the Orcs do what I say anyway, because I can make them HURT if they don’t.

Meanwhile, I’ve been drawing up plans for a tower – a HUGE tower, one that will make Tol-in-Gaurhoth seem like a child’s model. It will require millions of slaves and a lot of magical power to build, more power than I can summon at once at the moment. But I’ve been thinking about a way around that.

I’ve also been making occasional visits to Rhûn and the Haradwaith, to keep those Men under my dominion. Everything is going well there — sometimes the Southrons rise up against me, but a simple genocide or two keeps them in line.

Then there’s Celebrimbor. I haven’t been able to hang out with him as much as I would like, but I have learned many, many interesting things from him. Turns out Galadriel had warned him about me; but Celebrimbor does not like Galadriel or trust her. First off, Fëanor couldn’t stand her, which just makes me wish even more that Gothmog hadn’t turned Fëanor into Elf-jelly so I could have met him.

Second, there’s something of a succession issue amongst the Noldor. An argument can be made that Galadriel or Celebrimbor himself should be “High King of the Noldor,” and not Gil-Galad. I don’t follow all the details because yawn. Galadriel wants the job, but apparently agreed to Gil-Galad’s succession along time ago and can’t go back on her word. Celebrimbor has no interest in being king, since it would take time away from his work — but he’s hung up on the legalities, and resents Gil-Galad as a usurper.

Verrrry interesting. If I could get Celebrimbor installed as High King, that would make me Advisor to the High King – in other words, High King. I need to find a way to (1) make Celebrimbor more powerful than Galadriel and Gil-Galad combined, but still less powerful than me and (2) make sure he will do as I say and not betray me. Like I said in my last post, you can’t trust anybody. And power corrupts, just look at Manwë the Dickless Prick sorry, Penis-free Jerk. Language.

Another thing I’ve learned is that Celebrimbor is obsessed with recreating the Silmarils. It took a while for him to open up about this, as Galadriel and Gil-Galad both have come down on him for it. I encouraged him; but secretly, I think it’s a terrible idea. Those stupid rocks just drove people crazy, even Melkor, who stapled them to his head and walked around like a giant track lighting feature, whatever that is. Fact is, I could show Celebrimbor how to extract the Pure and Eternal Essence of Light Itself from the electromagnetic radiation of the Sun and Moon, and together we might even suss out how to refract that Essence permanently into a gem. But it seems like a lot of work for nothing but tsuris.

Well, I’d better go. Celebrimbor is tired of working on weapons, and wants to practice making jewelry. I guess we can do that for a while.

#42: We Kicked Thingol’s Ass!

Apr
16

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vindicated

Sorry I haven’t posted in so long, but we’ve been really busy, Melkor and I. Plus, with the world plunged back into darkness, there’s really no way to keep track of time. (I need to invent a way to do that — maybe something I could put on my wrist, and watch it whenever I want to know what time it is. Hmn. I’ll talk to one of the better Craft Spirits about it — his name’s K’lak.)

Anyway, after Melkor came back to Angband, he spent a lot of time telling me about his stunningly dull adventures in Valinor. When I could finally get a word in, I told him everything we had been up to in his absence.

And I told him about the whole Thingol-Melian thing.

Believe it or not, I think he was even angrier than I was. The idea of a Maia and an Elf doing the humpty dance is — well, it’s offensive on every level possible. It goes against the natural order. It’s just sick.

So Melkor declared we would go kick Thingol’s ass, which is exactly what I wanted. Almost everyone we lost from the debacle at Utumno had wandered back to join me at Angband. Plus, we finally finished creating the Orcs. They’re waaaay better than Elves — the upgrades Melkor and I designed have really worked out great. Sure, they’re not aesthetically pleasing, but after we drive the Valar traitors into the Everlasting Dark, we’ll destroy them all (and the filthy Elves and the stinking Dwarves) and begin again, designing our own mortal races that will live to worship us.

Anyway. We put together an army of Orcs and sicced them on Thingol, sending them south into Neldoreth and Region. Let me tell you, none of the Elves were ready for us. They had never seen Orcs before.

And I’ll let you in on an important difference between us and the Elves. Elves make their armor all light and pretty, with artistic patterns and jewels and flowing capes and feathery helmets. Their swords are thin and graceful, and sing as they are wielded.

Yeah. We dress our Orcs in thick, heavy, unadorned iron armor with helmets and greaves and gauntlets and braces and solerets. They have thick iron and wood shields as large as their bodies. They wield massive iron blades with razor-sharp edges.

Guess who does better in battle?

Now you’re probably going to find out that practically all our Orcs were killed. We sent out about 10,000, and about three dozen came back. In fact, the Elves are already spinning this as their “victory.”

Know why none of our Orcs came back? We wouldn’t let them. After the Orcs ripped through Beleriand, killing every Elven warrior, raping every Elf-maiden, using the children for shooting practice and eating the babies for dinner, we sent them West and East, burning every green leaf as they went.

Eventually, Thingol and his buddies did indeed kill almost all our Orcs. But you know what? Who cares! We can crank out another 10,000 Orcs in about a year! They’d have to kill a hundred Orcs before it would hurt us as badly as when they lose one Elf. And we killed thousands of Elves.

Best of all, we apparently killed this guy Denethor, King of Lindon, some kind of butt buddy of Thingol’s. Unfortunately, we did not get Thingol himself, or his whore wife Melian. Next time.

Now Melian has constructed some kind of lame magical barrier around Doriath, to keep herself and her sex ape safe from our wrath. Nice try, bitch!

Listen, as long as the skies are dark of the light of the Trees and the Valar cower in Valinor, we shall be invincible!

#36: The Orcs Are Coming Along Nicely, Thank You

Apr
5

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vomitous

Well, the elves have pretty much left Middle Earth. That’s not to say they all accepted the “invitation” from Valinor — lots of elves stayed behind. The so-called “Eldar,” who have wandered off to grovel at the feet of the Valar traitors, call the elves who stayed behind “Dark Elves.” I call them “tomorrow’s loyal thralls.”

I have spies amongst the Eldar, of course. And when the Elves balked at traveling across the sea, I assumed a pleasing form and walked among them. Yes, I encouraged them to flee to the Uttermost West.

Why, you ask? Well first of all, I don’t need them. The new “Melkorized Elves” we’ve been working on are coming along nicely. I’ve even invented a language for them, The Black Speech. In that tongue they call themselves “uruk.” But they’re not ready for prime time, yet. Soon.

Second, this is the perfect way to get my spies into Valinor. Right now, I have no idea what’s going on over there. And I fear I don’t have the power to pass through Valinor unheeded, not with those stupid trees radiating light everywhere.

I need to know what they did with Melkor. Is he a prisoner? Or was he banished from the world?

Or… did he “repent” and join with the Valar? I hate to even think it. When Carcharoth dared to suggest it, I clawed him to within an inch of his life. But secretly, I fear it’s a possibility.

Melkor begging forgiveness from The Dickless Prick — it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Then again, he could be cozening up to Manwë, planning to betray him later.

I have no way of knowing. These stupid Elves need to travel faster, and get to Valinor already. Maybe I’ll set some Wargs on their tail.

#33: A Minor Setback

Dec
21

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: resigned

As you know, we just spent the last eon preparing for the third and final war against the stinking rebel Valar. Now one would think that with all this preparation, with all our forces rested, equipped and marshaled, with not one but two mighty fortresses, and with right on our side, we might have managed to hold off a surprise Valar assault.

Except we didn’t.

My spies tell me it was Oromë, an unrepentant drunk with an anger management problem, who discovered the Elves after we did. As you know, we invited a bunch of the little dipshits to Utumno, where they are undergoing improvements. But I guess some of the ingrate Elves complained to Oromë, who fled back to Manwë and told him we were being mean to the pointy-eared morons.

So Manwë finally grew a set of balls and the Valar marched out to attack. We met them in the northeast of Middle Earth, and the battle was fierce. I was almost destroyed, the Valar and their Maiar slaves fought so fiercely. They spent millennia ignoring Middle-Earth and hiding behind their mountains, but the moment some stupid Elves get inconvenienced, the Valar come running? What the hell is up with that?

In the end, it was a rout, and we had to retreat to Utumno. The great walls of Utumno have held the Valar at bay for the moment, while we sit in the pit and nurse our wounds. Melkor sits in the Uttermost Depths, sulking. I really, really hate to admit it, but I’m beginning to think that maybe Melkor doesn’t always know what he’s doing.

Oh shit, the Valar just came over the tops of the walls. I gotta go.

#32: OMFG! I Found the Freakin’ Elves!

Dec
20

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I found the Elves!

Carcharoth was out in Middle Earth, trying to sniff out Valar spies, when he came across a group of strange creatures hanging out by a lake. He’d eaten several dozen of them before he realized he should probably report this news back to base.

Carcharoth came back to Angband with a few captives and presented them to me. They were weird, sickly little things, hairless apes with pointy ears and translucent skin. I’m the one who figured out they had to be the so-called “Children of Ilúvatar.”

I immediately reported to Utumno with the captives, and told Melkor that I had located the so-called “Elves.” He was thrilled. I gotta tell ya, I earned a lot of points that day.

After killing a few with the terror of his gaze, Melkor commanded me to start thinking about how we can exploit these “mortal” creatures. We can’t just have some race living in our Middle Earth without serving us. The first thing I want to do is redesign them — they have the stink of the Valar all over them. I want to hunch them over (for underground work), give them tusks (for fighting), and maybe toughen up their skin (it’s all soft and dewey right now). Also, I want to make up a language for them to speak. Right now they tend to sing in something that sounds like Finnish (whatever that is). They need a new name, too. I’ll think about it.

One of the female elves reminded me of Melian in her hominid form. I killed it.