Posts Tagged ‘Morgoth’

#49: Melkor 1, Noldor 0

Aug
11

Date: June 12th, 456 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: triumphant

The so-called Dagor Bragollach, or Battle of Sudden Flame, is over. I like to call it the “Battle of Thousands of Elves and Men Screaming I’m on Fire Oh It Hurts So Much.”

And for once, it was a complete victory for our team.

First off, we finally — finally — launched a finished, fully-functioning Flying Fire-Breathing Monster version 1.0. On the official paperwork these things are called Úruloki; I wanted to call them the Great Worms, although they don’t look very much like worms. But when the first one attacked the Elves, they all ran away yelling “dragon! Dragon!” Which I think means “I’m crapping my pants in fear!” in elfy-talk.

By the way, where did Elf-language come from anyway? Did someone sit around for decades inventing it? What kind of a freak would do that?

Anyway. Remember Glaurung? The fire-spirit who was always sucking up to Melkor in the Timeless Halls? Well, he gets to be the first dragon. This is pretty cool for him, since he’s now pretty much our main weapon, the Panzer Division of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death. Whatever a “Panzer” is.

I guess sucking up pays off. I wouldn’t know.

The other dragons, including Ancalagon, Scatha and Smaug, should be ready soon. I’m still kind of worried about the lack of ventral armor — we’ll have to fix that for Dragon 2.0.

But about the battle. We’ve pretty much cleared the north of Beleriand of everything we don’t like — Elves, Men, Dwarves, trees, streams, rabbits, baby fawns… Now it’s all charred landscape, dead twisted forests, poisoned wells — the way the world should be.

We failed to take the fortress of Minas Tirith, in the Pass of Sirion. I’ll have to go deal with that situation personally.

So now all the remaining Elves are cowering down in Doriath, suckling at Melian’s teat. She will have to be taken down next. Taken down hard. And I intend to murder Thingol with my own claws.

But there’s more. With Melkor, there’s always some embarrassing bit, isn’t there?

It seems this guy Finglofo or Funglifo or Fingolfolo — I can’t tell these guys apart — was “High King of the Noldor,” which is like being the finest turd in the toilet bowl. I mean really, “High King?” How many “kings” do they have?

Well, this “High King” was the only one of his retarded species to realize that the Elf “Kingdoms” of Middle-earth are over. Done. Kaput. Melkor reigns supreme.

So he hopped on a horse, showed up at Angband, and challenged Melkor to a duel. Which is some pretty ballsy shit. I mean if you’re going to die, do it with style, right?

So I’d like to tell you that Melkor walked over to the little guy and squashed him like a bug. I’d like to tell you that, but it wouldn’t be true. The little guy actually put up a fight — indeed, he got in seven shots on Morgoth. Seven wounds!

Holy crap, I just called him “Morgoth.” I’m starting to talk like an Elf.

The little guy actually wounded Morgoth Melkor seven times before the Boss finally crushed him to death. That is pathetic. I don’t know what they did to Melkor over there in Valinor for all those aeons, but he is NOT the same man he was before.

Plus, just as Melkor was declaring victory, an freakin’ Eagle got past all our exterior defenses, past freakin’ Glaurung, and grabbed up the dead Elf king’s body and bore it away to who knows where. I assume the Eagle is going to eat the body — after all, if it had been trying to help the Elf, it would have grabbed him up before he died, right? That’s just logic, right?

Now Melkor’s down in the Uttermost Pit, whining about how much his foot hurts. Man, it’s all up to me now, isn’t it?

#44: Melkor is Keeping Secrets from Me!

Apr
24

Date: March 25th, 1 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: betrayed

Today is my birthday. And it’s ruined!

Yeah yeah yeah, okay, how can I, Sauron Gorthaur, Chief of the Maiar, Master of Angband and Lord of Werewolves, who was made at the hand of Eru Ilúvatar in the Timeless Halls in the Days Before Days, have a birthday?

I’d like to say I determined it through some fancy calculation based on esoteric knowledge known only to the Ainur. But in fact, I picked it myself when I was hiding in the East during the Imprisonment of Melkor. It cheered me up to celebrate my birthday, and gift myself with a meal of raw Elf-flesh.

Anyway. Today was my birthday, but I was working, checking the outer defenses of Angband. It seems the Valar, perturbed by Melkor’s escape, have doubled the fortifications around Valinor, making their mountains extra tall with slippery slides you can’t climb. This is utterly ridiculous, since (1) they left an ungated entrance right smack dab in the middle of the wall, so their Elvish pets can get in and out, and (2) WE CAN SHIFT SHAPE AND FLY. Morons.

But I was double-checking the walls, climbing along the peaks of Thangorodrim when I came upon something astonishing — there was an Elf chained to one of the peaks!

WTF???

So I talked to him. His name is Maedhros, and intimidated by the Terror of My Eyes, he started blabbing his whole story, which was pretty much based on being sorely mistreated by this fellow called “Morgoth.”

It took me a while to figure out that “Morgoth” is Melkor. Yes, this was one of those idiot Elves who went across the sea to go be willing slaves and captives of the Valar. Apparently, they’re back — at least, some of them.

One of them was called Fëanor, who had these jewels that Melkor really, really wanted. (Can you imagine? A being of our divine stature, obsessed with a piece of jewelry? How stupid is that? What is wrong with Melkor nowadays???) So I guess Melkor killed some king, stole the jewels, and fled to Angband.

This Fëanor and his friends followed, and want to get the jewels back. Apparently they did a lot of evil shit along the way — Fëanor sounds like he might have been kind of a cool guy, for an Elf.

Anyway, Fëanor arrives in Beleriand, and is immediately attacked by an army of Orcs. He prevails, and raising an army of his own, and begins to march on Angband (ha!). He’s attacked again, and this time, Gothmog kills him.

Then Melkor actually sent ambassadors to negotiate with Fëanor’s sons. Remember the last time we negotiated? With mortals? Neither do I!

There’s another battle, and the Elves are slain or forced to flee. But this guy, Maedhros, eldest son of Fëanor, was captured, and Melkor chained him to the mountain.

Now, the problem with all this is I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT. Why on Middle-Earth would Melkor send out an army without me to lead them? We only ever lose battles when Melkor is in charge! I never lose!

I’ll tell you why. Because when Melkor first got back from Valinor and tried to tell me about all the shenanigans he got into with Elves out there, I made fun of the idea that Anthropomorphic Manifestations of Eternal Verities, like us, would ever give a flying crap about anything one of the “Children of Ilúvatar” did or said. It’s like you, dear reader, worrying about what a hill of ants thinks of you.

I think Melkor was embarrassed after telling me about it. And now he didn’t want to tell me that these idiotic Elves had followed him home.

I’m going to go talk to Melkor about this. You know, things were really a lot better before he came back. No Valinorian super-Elves with bright eyes, no freakin’ Sun or Moon. All because he killed those idiotic trees and stole some jewels.

Hmn. I want to see these jewels. I can’t imagine they’re worth all this trouble.