Posts Tagged ‘Laurelin’

#43: Ow, The Light! My Eyes! Again!!!

Apr
21

Date: January 1st, 1 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: excruciated

Auuuugh!

Just when you think those filthy, Elf-loving Valar traitors are out of your fur, they pull some ridiculous stunt!

Last night I was overseeing the feeding and brushing of the Orc-spawn, weeding out and gobbling down the weak ones, when Carcharoth came yelping into Angband, complaining about some horrible light in the sky. I went out to take a look.

It seems Aulë, my clueless and talent-free ex-boss, rescued some of the light from one of those idiotic trees, and used it to create a moon. Well, The Moon, because they’re never going to be able to pull this shit again. Some guy Tilion, a Maia of Oromë, was hauling this big, round white piece of junk across the sky — our sky that was so beautiful and black before Varda vomited stars all over it.

Well, Melkor and I were still debating which of us would kill Tilion and which would consume The Moon, denying the world its light forever, when the unthinkable happened.

From the East, a terrible bright burning started to rise from the horizon, which resolved into a bright, white light shifted toward the yellow. The firmament turned blue as this terrible light extinguished The Moon and the stars.

Then a burning ball of fire rose into the sky. It would have been the most beautiful thing in the world, if we had made it, all burning hydrogen and deadly radiation — but its fiery light was poisoned and diluted by the weak, golden radiance saved from the dried out husk of one of those trees.

I could feel its heat on my face even from tens of thousands of miles away. And now the whole world was baking under its merciless calefaction, and all those things that love the night and the dark and fear and teeth, like my beloved wolves, were forced to hide in the rocks and dirt.

Those assholes!

Well, Melkor wasn’t going to put up with this shit. He and I and a hundred Balrogs sped into the sky, and by the time the fiery orb had settled below the horizon in the West, we had caught up to Tilion. He and Melkor fought, while the rest of us assailed the orb — but its cold light burned, and my flesh and fur were seared, and several of the Balrogs were extinguished.

We made a strategic retreat, and Melkor sits on his throne in the Nethermost Pits even as I write, devising ways to eradicate the Moon, and the Sun, as they are calling it.

We found out that Arien steers the Sun through the sky, which has caused a big uproar here in Angband. She was one of the most powerful of the Fire Spirits back in the Timeless Halls (and one of the hottest, too — in both senses of the word).

It’s inconceivable to us that one so worthy would join with the Valar traitors, and assail us with fire, which is our element, not theirs. She’s going to have to be destroyed — unless I can turn her…

Imagine hurling the Sun right smack dab into the center of Valimar, the City of the Valar! How cool would that be?

#30: I’m Bored

Nov
9

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: bored

I just got back from sowing the seeds of dissension amongst the Maiar of Valinor. A number of the spirits whom I turned to Melkor’s service before the second war are still willing to serve us, even that moron Curunír. Remember I tasked him with keeping Tulkas unconscious during the Second War, and he failed miserably. Now he’s begging for a second chance. We’ll see.

The Valar have discovered a method for measuring time, and I don’t like it. Their two miserable glowing trees rise and fall in luminosity according to a pattern, and they use counts of that pattern to measure the passage of time. They’re all like, “When dost thou wish to sing the praises of Manwë?” and the other guy says “When the lights of blessed Telperion and Laurelin have mingled their sweet light one hundred times less twelve, then we shall meet to to sing the praises of Manwë.”

What a bunch of pretentious assholes.

I mean, for one thing how do they know that the trees’ oscillation cycle is regular? They only have the trees themselves as a standard of comparison! Now if they’d asked me, I would have suggested a unit of time equivalent to the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the Caesium 133 atom at a temperature of 0 Kelvin. But that’s just me.

Anyway, now that we have a system for measuring time, the eons just seem that much looooonger. Immortality never really bothered me before, because I didn’t even think about how long things took. Now I keep looking at the clock.

I’m bored.

Soon Melkor will be ready to assail the Valar. Then we’ll have some excitement. And after the accursed trees are destroyed, I won’t have to worry about being bored anymore.

#29: Trees? Glowing Trees? Really? That’s The Best You Could Do?

Nov
2

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: incredulous

Well, I found the Valar. No, they didn’t flee Arda — we should be so lucky. They just went into hiding. What a bunch of sniveling cowards.

As I said, I searched all over Middle Earth and found no trace of the treasonous bastards. But then I remembered there are a couple of other continents — practice continents, really, in the far East and West.

As I approached the western continent, I noticed it was… pointier… than I remembered it. Someone had thrown up a wall of ridiculously high mountains. And if anyone’s going to be running around remaking the world and violating the Laws of Physics for their own convenience, it’s the Valar.

I flew up over the top of the mountains (like mountains are going to stop us — we can fly!) and was dismayed to see all of the continent behind the mountains bathed in light. Not the good kind of light you get from burning people alive, but the nasty bright painful light you get from that bitch Yavanna.

I assumed a pleasing shape and mingled. The Valar have forced their Maiar slaves to build a city — they call it Valmar. The name is supposed to mean “City of Bells,” but I think it’s better translated as “ostentatious and dull.”

Now apparently, Manwë ‘s new plan, since we kicked his ass royally in the Second War, is to sit and hide behind his mountain range for all of eternity. Yes, you heard right — the Valar have surrendered!

It’s not good enough, of course. We’re not going to sit around — Melkor and I, I mean — and let these scumbag traitors hide out in the Uttermost West while we do all the real work of running the world. Oh no. When I told Melkor what the Valar had done, he immediately started planning an offensive. We’re going to drive those scumbags out of The World, and back to the welcoming teat of Eru Ilúvatar. Let them all sit in the Timeless Halls for all eternity, mourning their failures, while we celebrate absolute mastery over Creation.

But I haven’t mentioned yet where the light is coming from. It seems Yavanna created two glowing trees. That’s right, glowing trees. One is silver, the other gold, and they fill all of Valinor (that’s what they call the continent, Valinor) with their pestilential light. At least the mountains keep the light from staining the perfect darkness of Middle Earth.

Melkor was able to single-handedly tear down the accursed Lamps. I can’t imagine he’ll have much trouble with trees. Maybe he’ll let me do it.