Posts Tagged ‘Hollin’

#75: I Have My Boot So Far Up Celebrimbor’s Ass He Can Smell My Toes

Nov
9

Date: June 14th, 1697 S.A.
My Mood Is: victorious

Celebrimbor Silverhand, Lord of Eregion and Maker of the Elven Rings of Power, is sitting in his bathroom, crying.

Seems he had been warned, by Galadriel and Elrond and Gil-Galad, not to trust “Annatar, Lord of Gifts.” Seems they told him not to collaborate with me. Seems they warned him not to make the Rings of Power, nor the Three Elven Rings. (Although they were happy enough to accept them!)

And now, here Celebrimbor sits, his palace in flames; the green fields and woods of Hollin razed and burned; his people slain, raped and scattered; his halls overrun with Orcs and Trolls and Wargs; and outside his bathroom door The Dark Lord, waiting patiently for him to come out and face his death.

Come on out, you silly bastard. And if you’ve got any Elven Rings in there, bring them out too.

I must say that the Mordorian War Machine has surpassed all my expectations. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that I’ve enslaved and bred far more Evil Men, Orcs, Wargs, Trolls and Mûmakil than I could ever expect to use. (A Mûmak is a kind of “Dire Wooly Mammoth,” smelly but deadly. I call them “deathyderms.”) My armies are enormous. No power on Arda, not even the Valar themselves, could defy me now.

BWA HA HA HA!

I have the Orcs searching the palaces, the citadel and the countryside, looking for anything that might be a magic ring. They won’t find anything – Celebrimbor is stupid, but not that stupid. All the minor rings were here, of course, but the three biggies – Narya, Nenya, and Vilya – are hidden. But not for long.

Still, it’s necessary to keep the Orcs busy, or they start to get their own ideas.

Let me see — I’ve got 16 of the lesser rings right here, taken right from off Celebrimbor’s work table. These will be VERY useful indeed, enslaved as they all are to my Master Ring. And although the Three are hidden, those morons in Lindon don’t dare use them without revealing themselves to me.

My next step will be to consolidate my military hold on Eriador, and then take Lindon. Gil-Galad and his Noldor cronies will fall; and the Three Elven Rings will be MINE!

But first, it’s time to break down this silly bathroom door. I tire of Celebrimbor’s blubbering. I’ll crush his skull and be done with it.

Good times.