Posts Tagged ‘Great Journey of the Eldar’

#37: I Will KILL Elu Thingol!

Apr
10

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: murderous

You will not believe what I just found out. I don’t even know where to begin. I — I can’t believe it.

Some background: when Oromë (he’s a stupid Earth spirit who imagines himself a great huntsman) “found” the Elves, many years AFTER I found them, he lured three of them back to Valinor so they could get all impressed by the stupid trees and return to con the rest of the Elves into going to Valinor to worship the Valar traitors. Which they did.

So these three Elves led the rest across Eriador AND Beleriand. They weren’t marching in ordered groups, either. They just kind of wandered. It took DECADES.

So the first two groups get to the coast of the Belegaer, the Great Sea, and of course they don’t have boats because boats haven’t been invented yet. Whatever a “boat” is. For once, the Valar do something with style, and rip off a big chunk of land for the Elves to ride on. This portable island takes off across the sea, and Huzzah! my Elf infestation problem is solved.

EXCEPT — the last group doesn’t go. They can’t find their leader, Elwë — he just up and vanished one day, and no, it wasn’t because of me. Remember, I wanted them to go, as quickly as possible.

Eventually, they took off without Elwë, and I forgot about the whole thing. Until today, when one of my spies informed me that Elwë was still alive, and founding his own kingdom among the Sindar, aka the “Grey Elves.” He’s even calling himself Elu Thingol, “King Greymantle.”

Which is bad enough. But — and here’s where words fail me, so I’ll just get it out.

HE MARRIED MELIAN.

MY MELIAN.

What?? How??? I mean — WHAT?????? First of all, why was she even in Middle Earth at all? Why would she fall in love with a MORTAL??? And a stupid Elf at that? Is this even allowed, Maiar shtupping Mortals? I mean, it’s disgusting! It’s like you having sex with your dog!

Is she CRAZY? Why? I just want to know why she did this.

Oh, and I’m going to KILL Elu Thingol. Count on it.

#36: The Orcs Are Coming Along Nicely, Thank You

Apr
5

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vomitous

Well, the elves have pretty much left Middle Earth. That’s not to say they all accepted the “invitation” from Valinor — lots of elves stayed behind. The so-called “Eldar,” who have wandered off to grovel at the feet of the Valar traitors, call the elves who stayed behind “Dark Elves.” I call them “tomorrow’s loyal thralls.”

I have spies amongst the Eldar, of course. And when the Elves balked at traveling across the sea, I assumed a pleasing form and walked among them. Yes, I encouraged them to flee to the Uttermost West.

Why, you ask? Well first of all, I don’t need them. The new “Melkorized Elves” we’ve been working on are coming along nicely. I’ve even invented a language for them, The Black Speech. In that tongue they call themselves “uruk.” But they’re not ready for prime time, yet. Soon.

Second, this is the perfect way to get my spies into Valinor. Right now, I have no idea what’s going on over there. And I fear I don’t have the power to pass through Valinor unheeded, not with those stupid trees radiating light everywhere.

I need to know what they did with Melkor. Is he a prisoner? Or was he banished from the world?

Or… did he “repent” and join with the Valar? I hate to even think it. When Carcharoth dared to suggest it, I clawed him to within an inch of his life. But secretly, I fear it’s a possibility.

Melkor begging forgiveness from The Dickless Prick — it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Then again, he could be cozening up to Manwë, planning to betray him later.

I have no way of knowing. These stupid Elves need to travel faster, and get to Valinor already. Maybe I’ll set some Wargs on their tail.

#35: The Elves Are Going To Valinor — Good Riddance!

Jan
21

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I’ve managed to convert a couple of Elves to my cause, through threats, cajoling, and the terror of my eyes. I don’t get much info from them — it’s hard to get them to come out into the woods to worship me.

That’s right, I said worship. So what? I’m a freakin’ god. Of course mortals should should worship me — what else are they good for?

But Sauron, you might say, wasn’t it your own hatred of worshiping Eru that led you to leave the Timeless Halls in the first place? Yes, it was. But with Eru it was all about the worship. I’m a much more interesting god. I deserve worship — Eru never did.

Anyway, occasionally they come out to my hiding place in the wild to worship me and bring me news. I can understand their hesitation — the first time they visited me, I accidentally ate some of them. BTW, Elf really does taste like chicken.

So you won’t believe the news they brought me today. The filthy Valar have invited all the Elves to join them in Valinor. Seriously.

And not only that, but they expect the Elves to walk all the way across Eriador and Belariand. That’s like 6,000 miles or something. These guys are supposedly gods, and they can’t figure out a way to teleport the Elves to Valinor? I could manage it. At the very least, I’d get the stupid Eagles to carry them.

I had a hard time trying to figure out what the Valar are up to with this. Are they building an army? Do they need slaves? Do they covet the females? Then I realized — they want worshipers. And not just worshipers to live out in The World; they want someone to grovel right at their feet.

Disgusting. At least I would let the Elves live on their own, apart from some tithes and the occasional Elven sacrifice.