Posts Tagged ‘Glaurung’

#49: Melkor 1, Noldor 0

Aug
11

Date: June 12th, 456 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: triumphant

The so-called Dagor Bragollach, or Battle of Sudden Flame, is over. I like to call it the “Battle of Thousands of Elves and Men Screaming I’m on Fire Oh It Hurts So Much.”

And for once, it was a complete victory for our team.

First off, we finally — finally — launched a finished, fully-functioning Flying Fire-Breathing Monster version 1.0. On the official paperwork these things are called Úruloki; I wanted to call them the Great Worms, although they don’t look very much like worms. But when the first one attacked the Elves, they all ran away yelling “dragon! Dragon!” Which I think means “I’m crapping my pants in fear!” in elfy-talk.

By the way, where did Elf-language come from anyway? Did someone sit around for decades inventing it? What kind of a freak would do that?

Anyway. Remember Glaurung? The fire-spirit who was always sucking up to Melkor in the Timeless Halls? Well, he gets to be the first dragon. This is pretty cool for him, since he’s now pretty much our main weapon, the Panzer Division of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death. Whatever a “Panzer” is.

I guess sucking up pays off. I wouldn’t know.

The other dragons, including Ancalagon, Scatha and Smaug, should be ready soon. I’m still kind of worried about the lack of ventral armor — we’ll have to fix that for Dragon 2.0.

But about the battle. We’ve pretty much cleared the north of Beleriand of everything we don’t like — Elves, Men, Dwarves, trees, streams, rabbits, baby fawns… Now it’s all charred landscape, dead twisted forests, poisoned wells — the way the world should be.

We failed to take the fortress of Minas Tirith, in the Pass of Sirion. I’ll have to go deal with that situation personally.

So now all the remaining Elves are cowering down in Doriath, suckling at Melian’s teat. She will have to be taken down next. Taken down hard. And I intend to murder Thingol with my own claws.

But there’s more. With Melkor, there’s always some embarrassing bit, isn’t there?

It seems this guy Finglofo or Funglifo or Fingolfolo — I can’t tell these guys apart — was “High King of the Noldor,” which is like being the finest turd in the toilet bowl. I mean really, “High King?” How many “kings” do they have?

Well, this “High King” was the only one of his retarded species to realize that the Elf “Kingdoms” of Middle-earth are over. Done. Kaput. Melkor reigns supreme.

So he hopped on a horse, showed up at Angband, and challenged Melkor to a duel. Which is some pretty ballsy shit. I mean if you’re going to die, do it with style, right?

So I’d like to tell you that Melkor walked over to the little guy and squashed him like a bug. I’d like to tell you that, but it wouldn’t be true. The little guy actually put up a fight — indeed, he got in seven shots on Morgoth. Seven wounds!

Holy crap, I just called him “Morgoth.” I’m starting to talk like an Elf.

The little guy actually wounded Morgoth Melkor seven times before the Boss finally crushed him to death. That is pathetic. I don’t know what they did to Melkor over there in Valinor for all those aeons, but he is NOT the same man he was before.

Plus, just as Melkor was declaring victory, an freakin’ Eagle got past all our exterior defenses, past freakin’ Glaurung, and grabbed up the dead Elf king’s body and bore it away to who knows where. I assume the Eagle is going to eat the body — after all, if it had been trying to help the Elf, it would have grabbed him up before he died, right? That’s just logic, right?

Now Melkor’s down in the Uttermost Pit, whining about how much his foot hurts. Man, it’s all up to me now, isn’t it?

#20: The Valar Are A Bunch Of Meat Monkeys

Jun
12

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: amused

To summarize: Melkor and I got in trouble for making better music than Eru, the so-called “One.” (I have “one” asshole, that doesn’t make it special.) So Eru created a world out of our song, and let us go down to live in it. But He also sent along a bunch of useless Ainur, the so-called “Valar,” who’ve done nothing but get in our way. Now their leader Manwë , a.k.a. The Dickless Prick, has driven Melkor and me into the far north of Arda, and set about ruining everything we’ve accomplished.

The time is coming soon when Melkor will gather all the loyal fire and darkness spirits, and we will attack, driving the filthy Valar from this world. Let them sit in the Outer Dark, cold and alone. Especially Melian, that whore.

Melkor has tasked me with keeping an eye on the accursed Valar. He gives me all the important jobs because honestly, who else is he going to rely on? Ungoliant? She ran off soon after we redeployed to the north, and hasn’t been seen since. Glaurung? He’s not too bright, and anyway, Melkor has some special project for him. Gothmog? He sits in the lava pits, playing with his whips. Cripes, why did we bring any of these losers along with us?

So anyway, I’ve been snooping around invisibly, watching the Valar and Maiar as they foul up everything in Arda — “oceans” and “clouds” and “forests” and all that crap.

But here’s the most astonishing thing. And I’m not kidding — I couldn’t have made this up. The Valar and Maiar have clothed themselves in flesh, and taken the form of… primates. That’s right, Eru-damned monkeys! They’re walking around like two-legged meat sausages, eating and drinking an excreting and sweating.

It’s ridiculous! We’re frikkin’ gods, fer crissakes! Apparently, the accursed “Children of Ilúvatar” are going to be primates. Seriously! So Manwë and his brown-nosers have decided to dress up like “Elves,” and prance around in silly skin costumes. I gotta tell ya, I reported this to Melkor, and he was so surprised his iron crown fell off! We had a good, really long laugh about it.

It wasn’t so funny, though, ’cause when I was sneaking around, I saw Melian. Her Elven form is particularly… shapely, I must say. I mean, looking at her, I could see what all the fuss is about.

Stupid bitch.

Anyway, the rest of us are going to have to consider adopting fleshly forms, just to deny the Valar any advantage. One more thing to worry about.

But if anyone thinks I’m gonna start using a toilet, they have another thing coming.

#4: Melkor and I Have A Plan….

Aug
16

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: psyched!

Melkor held his meeting today, of Ainur who are dissatisfied with the current situation. He held it well-nigh to the Outer Dark, as far from Eru Ilúvatar as possible. I thought that was a little strange, but Melkor explained that he wants our little plan to be a surprise.

I dragged Huan along with me. He’s my best friend, but not too bright. He says he doesn’t see what’s wrong with the singing; that we should be happy doing whatever Eru wants. I said it’s not that Eru is wrong, which is impossible – it’s that Eru’s vision could be improved.

Makar and Meássë were also there, and they’re pretty cool. And Ossë, one of the water spirits, came, though I think he was there just to cause trouble. But other than that, it was a total loser’s convention. Draugluin and Carcharoth showed up; they seem to think they’re friends of mine, but they’re not. Glaurung was there, as usual, kissing Melkor’s ass. What a suck-up. I hate that guy.

There was a new guy I hadn’t met before, Manwë. He’s an air spirit; I don’t know any of them. He was really sucking up to Melkor as well. I think he covets Melkor’s position as Eru’s number two. As if.

Gothmog and a bunch of the fire spirits came to the meeting too. And then who do you think popped in, just as we were getting started? Ungoliant. I hate that bitch. She’s just weird, and obnoxious, and really brings down the room. I can’t stand her. Fortunately, Melkor doesn’t seem to like her very much either.

So Melkor talked for a while, about how we could suggest certain changes and improvements to Eru, and how grateful Eru will be when he sees that we’re right. Makar and Meássë wandered out while Melkor was talking, and it was all I could do to keep Huan from storming out. All the sycophants, like Glaurung and Manwë, were just eating it up.

After the meeting disbanded, Melkor and I talked for a long time. Manwë stayed too, for a while, but Melkor was not even giving him the time of day. Whatever “time” and “days” are.

Melkor has a really great plan, about how to present our suggestions to Eru. I am really super-psyched about this. Eru is going to love it! I can’t wait.