Posts Tagged ‘Eru Ilúvatar’

#47: The Race of Men is a HUGE Disappointment

Jun
27

Date: December 12th, 273 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: disappointed

Well, I found Men. What a letdown. Seriously, I think Eru Ilúvatar has just given up trying, which is as good a reason as any to replace Him as High Lord and Master of All Creation, I think.

Carcharoth located the Men out East in Eriador, although they are apparently largely migrating West. What is the deal with the so-called Children of Ilúvatar and going West? If Eru wanted all His monkey-people to live in the West, why didn’t He create them there?

Listen, when Melkor and I created this crap planet (yes, it was us — the other Ainur just sat around and let us do all the work), everything was in perfect order. Geometrically perfect and symmetrical continents, perfectly conical mountains — everything in its logical place. Now look at what a mess Arda is. I wouldn’t trust these so-called Valar to run a Ford dealership, much less a physical universe.

Whatever a “Ford dealership” is.

And speaking of creating… look. So Eru decided to create a mortal race, the Elves, that looks like hairless albino apes. Fine, He likes primates. Then that talent-free dumbass Aulë made the Dwarves, which are just fat stunted Elves. Well sure, Aulë is as creative as the average colon, and produces the same product. No wonder his race is just a bad copy of Eru’s.

But now we see Men, and guess what? If an Elf and a Dwarf had a kid (yuck), you’d have a Man. They’re just a stockier, shorter Elf, or a taller, thinner Dwarf. Great creativity there, Eru. Good work. Whadd’ya do, design Men between kippers at breakfast?

Plus, they have these bizarre, rounded ears. And they smell like poo all the time.

I’m sorry, but there are so many other, better body designs than upright bipedal, bilaterally symmetrical, four-limbed, endoskeletal, pentadactyl, binocular and binaural chordates. For instance, imagine if we made a mortal race out of Hallucigenia — that would kick ass. I don’t think we kept any of those guys — there are probably some fossils, somewhere, though.

Sure, primates have tool-using hands, two of them, which is very important when you need a slave race to dig holes and carve statues of you.  But octopodes have eight tool-using limbs, so why not make an octo-race? I don’t want to go anywhere near the water, but I’m sure I could slap together some kind of talking land-octopus. That would be way cooler than “Men.”

Speaking of tentacles, I actually designed my own race. Didn’t I tell you? I mean, it’s just some of the lesser evil Maiar incarnated into physical bodies, but still. They’re called “Wargs,” which is a very cool name I came up with after Carcharoth suggested it. Originally, I designed them as 400′ long giant black wolves with vicious red tentacles coming from their shoulders. They were kewl.

Melkor hated the design. He went on about resource allocations and production quotas — all the shit I tell him when I point out that Project Flying Fire-Breathing Monster is 12 millennia behind schedule and 800% over budget. Then he showed me his Warg redesign — they looked like some kind of big, mangy pig-dog. What the hell?

Finally, I got Melkor to agree that Wargs would be large, talking wolves, and that the Orcs would be able to use them as mounts. I’m proud of them — but the giant, tentacled Wargs were much cooler. (Tentacles are just really useful. I should grow some.)

Anyway, I’m sending some of my spies out to the Men, to tell them the truth about the Valar and to keep them properly terrified of us. You know, the usual. Maybe we can get some slaves out of it, eliminate the rest, make coats from their skins. It’s Winter, you know.

#35: The Elves Are Going To Valinor — Good Riddance!

Jan
21

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I’ve managed to convert a couple of Elves to my cause, through threats, cajoling, and the terror of my eyes. I don’t get much info from them — it’s hard to get them to come out into the woods to worship me.

That’s right, I said worship. So what? I’m a freakin’ god. Of course mortals should should worship me — what else are they good for?

But Sauron, you might say, wasn’t it your own hatred of worshiping Eru that led you to leave the Timeless Halls in the first place? Yes, it was. But with Eru it was all about the worship. I’m a much more interesting god. I deserve worship — Eru never did.

Anyway, occasionally they come out to my hiding place in the wild to worship me and bring me news. I can understand their hesitation — the first time they visited me, I accidentally ate some of them. BTW, Elf really does taste like chicken.

So you won’t believe the news they brought me today. The filthy Valar have invited all the Elves to join them in Valinor. Seriously.

And not only that, but they expect the Elves to walk all the way across Eriador and Belariand. That’s like 6,000 miles or something. These guys are supposedly gods, and they can’t figure out a way to teleport the Elves to Valinor? I could manage it. At the very least, I’d get the stupid Eagles to carry them.

I had a hard time trying to figure out what the Valar are up to with this. Are they building an army? Do they need slaves? Do they covet the females? Then I realized — they want worshipers. And not just worshipers to live out in The World; they want someone to grovel right at their feet.

Disgusting. At least I would let the Elves live on their own, apart from some tithes and the occasional Elven sacrifice.

#25: We’re Baaaaaack!

Sep
27

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: sneaky

A lot’s going on. First of all, we’re all back safe and warm in Arda, thankfully. (Thanks to the efforts of myself and Melkor — not thanks to Eru, that douche.) I was right — Melkor was waiting for the Tulkas situation to resolve itself, at least temporarily.

Now I don’t want to give anyone the absurd impression that Melkor was afraid of Tulkas. As if. I think to be honest, it’s just that Melkor had never ever been defeated before. The whole idea of not getting one’s way was completely foreign to him. It’s quite a rude awakening to discover that someone can thwart you, especially when you’re the most powerful being in existence. (Remember, Eru “exists” outside of “existence,” beyond the confines of Eä. In a very real sense, Eru Ilúvatar doesn’t “exist” at all!)

So Melkor really just wanted some breathing space from Tulkas, to figure out what to do. I’ve been keeping a very close eye on the Valar, and after all their mucking about with the world, they decided to rest. Tulkas fell asleep — and Melkor and I made our move.

We, that is Melkor and I and the Hosts of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death, quietly slipped over the Walls of Night and back into Arda. We sneaked cautiously into the north (and I had to permanently dent some asses to keep the noisier kids quiet). All of our work from before, building fortifications, was ruined. But Melkor raised up a wall of mountains as a defense, and now we’re delving a new and better fortress. It’s called Utumno, the Great Pit of the Underworld. It’s going to feature unclimbable walls, razor-tipped towers, dungeons that scratch the lowest depths of the earth, and I’m going to have my own room! (It’s mostly underground so we can hide from the light from those accursed lamps. Of course we’re tunneling under Illuin, the northern lamp. I can’t wait for that wretched thing to come tumbling down!)

I drew up the plans for the new Pit, but Melkor put Draugluin and Carcharoth in charge of the actual construction. (Those guys have been doing a lot of great work, and acquitted themselves very well during the First War. Plus they take orders. Draugluin is kind of becoming my right-claw man, the way I am for Melkor.) Melkor wanted me to do something much tricker and more important — spy on the Valar and try to turn as many Maiar as I can to our cause.

This isn’t too hard. Like any of us, I can take whatever form I choose. The idiotic Valar haven’t realized this ability can be used against them. So I just take the shape of one of the Maiar, somebody pretty and popular, and wander around Almaren spying on people and chatting up various idiots.

Didn’t I mention Almaren? It’s an island in the middle of a big lake right smack dab in the center of the Disc of the World. The lake was made by Melkor’s spear as he attacked the Dickless Prick. The traitorous Valar and their Maiar slaves have set up an encampment on the island. They have the whole world to use in any way they see fit, and they sit on an island singing songs and drinking ale? Morons!

(They have discovered something called “alcohol.” More on that later.)

I even spent some time disguised as that twit Olórin, which was very helpful in convincing the weak-minded to listen. That’s Olórin’s thing, apparently, manipulating stupid people. Too bad he’s Manwë’s butt-buddy. Anyway, I have convinced a dozen-or-so Maiar to feed me information and help me overthrow the accursed Valar. I’ve convinced a couple that there can be peace between Melkor and Manwë; another handful are angry at Manwë over the First War; and at least one believes Melkor will make him chief of the Maiar if he betrays the Valar. He believes that because I told him so. As if. Sauron Gorthaur, Lord of Werewolves is Chief of the Maiar and always will be!

Oh, I have to go — Melkor wants another pot of ale. In his gigantic form, those pots have to be pretty big! But I have one more thing I gotta tell you. The Valar and Maiar all picked material forms, as I said — mostly “elves.” But guess what form my loathsome ex-best-friend Huan took? You won’t believe me.

Okay, I swear I’m not making this up. This is absolutely true. Huan took the form of a dog! A real big dog, but a dog nonetheless! I mean sure, I’m a wolf, but wolves are cool! Dogs slobber, sniff assholes and eat their own poop. What the hell was he thinking?

I saw Melian. She’s still hot. Bitch.

Gotta go.

#20: The Valar Are A Bunch Of Meat Monkeys

Jun
12

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: amused

To summarize: Melkor and I got in trouble for making better music than Eru, the so-called “One.” (I have “one” asshole, that doesn’t make it special.) So Eru created a world out of our song, and let us go down to live in it. But He also sent along a bunch of useless Ainur, the so-called “Valar,” who’ve done nothing but get in our way. Now their leader Manwë , a.k.a. The Dickless Prick, has driven Melkor and me into the far north of Arda, and set about ruining everything we’ve accomplished.

The time is coming soon when Melkor will gather all the loyal fire and darkness spirits, and we will attack, driving the filthy Valar from this world. Let them sit in the Outer Dark, cold and alone. Especially Melian, that whore.

Melkor has tasked me with keeping an eye on the accursed Valar. He gives me all the important jobs because honestly, who else is he going to rely on? Ungoliant? She ran off soon after we redeployed to the north, and hasn’t been seen since. Glaurung? He’s not too bright, and anyway, Melkor has some special project for him. Gothmog? He sits in the lava pits, playing with his whips. Cripes, why did we bring any of these losers along with us?

So anyway, I’ve been snooping around invisibly, watching the Valar and Maiar as they foul up everything in Arda — “oceans” and “clouds” and “forests” and all that crap.

But here’s the most astonishing thing. And I’m not kidding — I couldn’t have made this up. The Valar and Maiar have clothed themselves in flesh, and taken the form of… primates. That’s right, Eru-damned monkeys! They’re walking around like two-legged meat sausages, eating and drinking an excreting and sweating.

It’s ridiculous! We’re frikkin’ gods, fer crissakes! Apparently, the accursed “Children of Ilúvatar” are going to be primates. Seriously! So Manwë and his brown-nosers have decided to dress up like “Elves,” and prance around in silly skin costumes. I gotta tell ya, I reported this to Melkor, and he was so surprised his iron crown fell off! We had a good, really long laugh about it.

It wasn’t so funny, though, ’cause when I was sneaking around, I saw Melian. Her Elven form is particularly… shapely, I must say. I mean, looking at her, I could see what all the fuss is about.

Stupid bitch.

Anyway, the rest of us are going to have to consider adopting fleshly forms, just to deny the Valar any advantage. One more thing to worry about.

But if anyone thinks I’m gonna start using a toilet, they have another thing coming.

#11: I Don’t Care About Your Stupid Rules

Aug
30

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: impatient

Well, after my blog post yesterday, you’re probably wondering what why I’m still here in the Timeless Halls of Ilúvatar, and not down in Eä, the “World That Is” that Eru created with the help of Melkor and the rest of us Ainur.

I was ready to go at once, as was Melkor. But you know Eru; He loves to talk. Almost as much as He loves to hear His praises sung.

Turns out there are a few “Terms and Conditions” for entering the World.

First of all, anyone can go. This is bad news. It means total losers like Manwë will get to go — and just looking at that stupid fuck, I can tell he’s planning to.

Second, if you go into Eä, you become a permanent part of it — bound the the fate of the world, whatever that means. Anyway, once we go in, we can’t come out — not until the End of the World. I’m okay with that. I mean, I’m immortal, right? Even if we’re in there ten thousand centuries, that’s nothing to an immortal person.

Third, the Song of the Ainur, the music that Melkor and Eru made together along with the rest of us (and which has been the cause of so much tsuris) shall be as fate to those of us who dwell in the World. That’s okay — Melkor and I devised and sang most of the music.

And fourth, Eru is pulling rank AGAIN, and inserting something into the World that we didn’t sing — the “Children of Ilúvatar.” Apparently this is a pair of strange races he wants us to incorporate into the World.

Now, excuse me if I’m wrong, but I thought WE, the Ainur, were the Children of Ilúvatar. We’re not going to need these weird little “Elves” and “Men” running around, screwing things up. Well, whatever. As long as these “Children” know who’s in charge.

#10: Eä! Let Things Not Suck So Hard From Now On!

Aug
26

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: ecstatic

The day started terribly. I was already depressed; then Aulë announced his schedule for today, which involved two hours of singing Eru’s praises, followed by four hours of choir practice, an hour-long discussion of how great Eru is, then another two hours of singing.

With no lunch.

So we’re busy singing when I hear Huan mention my name. He’s saying, “Sauron? Haven’t seen him. Try over by the Outer Airs.” Well, Huan knew perfectly well I was right there. So I left my position in the choir to see what was going on. I knew Aulë would have my ass over it, but you know what? I don’t care.

Huan was talking to Melkor! Lying to him! That little prick! I was soooo pissed. Huan is really beginning to piss me off.

Melkor didn’t care though, he was just glad he found me. He said Eru had another big announcement, but one we would really like, and I had to come with him at once! Can you believe that, Melkor came to find ME! We’re definitely, totally friends now.

Well, Aulë came over to bust me for leaving the choir. But Melkor said, “Aulë, Lord of the Cthonic Spirits, you and your host must come as well. For Ilúvatar hath summoned us forth.”

Well, Aulë just grumbled, and we all went up to the Empyrean Airs, where well nigh all of the Ainur were assembling.

“I have spoken to Ilúvatar,” Melkor whispered to me, “and He hath harkened, for the Ainur have become restless. Now much we have desired shall come to pass.”

Cool!

Then Eru came upon us, and He said, “I know the desire of your minds that what ye have seen should verily be, not only in your thought, but even as ye yourselves are, and yet other.”

No shit, Sherlock.

“Therefore I say: Eä! Let these things Be!”

And suddenly the Void was filled with light! It was awesome. “Eä.” I gotta remember that trick.

Then Eru said, “And I will send forth into the Void the Flame Imperishable, and it shall be at the heart of the World, and the World shall Be; and those of you that will may go down into it. “

Yes!! We get a world, we get the Flame Imperishable, and best of all, we have a ticket out of this metaphysical hellhole of singing and praising!

I was jumping up and down, I was so excited. I think I hugged Melkor, which is kind of embarrassing.

I am ready. I want to go down into that World. NOW.

#9: Melkor Is Really A Sensitive Guy

Aug
25

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: righteously indignant

I had a chance to talk to Melkor today. He’s really down about how Eru reacted to our music. I thought it was because Melkor was afraid of being punished — but really, he’s just afraid he might have lost Eru as his best friend.

Turns out that now Eru is spending all His time with that little weasel, Manwë. I mean, who was this guy two days ago? Nobody! Now he’s palling around with Ilúvatar?

I just can’t believe that Eru is so flighty, so changeable. Doesn’t He have any loyalty? After everything Melkor has done for Him, after all their history together?

Melkor just wants to let it go, and try to get back in Eru’s good graces. I said I wanted to complain, but Melkor forbade it.

I can’t believe all our plans are going to end like this.

#8: Manwë Is Such a Dick

Aug
23

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: dejected

So all anybody can talk about now is The World that Eru showed us. I’ll bet if we had the Flame Imperishable, we could create the World without Eru. Maybe I should go out to the Void and look for it — but if Melkor had no luck, what chance do I have?

Speaking of Melkor, I think he’s avoiding me. I haven’t spoken to him since Eru called him out after the big concert. I think he’s genuinely ashamed, and wants to regain his position as Eru’s favorite. I guess I can’t blame him — he’s been Ilúvatar’s best buddy since forever. But is this the end of our plan to get Eru to adopt our changes?

Everyone who sang with Melkor is laying pretty low right now; and Aulë, that fat fuck, is all over me like ugly on an Orc. Whatever an “Orc” is. He seems to think I embarrassed him during the concert. Now he has me working all the time, to “keep me out of trouble.”

Screw him. Screw him right in the ear.

Oh, and Manwë! Did I mention him before? Some pissant little air spirit who showed up to our meeting? He was one of the loudest singing for Melkor during the concert.

Well, now he’s all over the place, talking about how VERY SORRY he is, and how Melkor led him astray, and he’ll never defy Eru again. Dammit, he pisses me off so much!

First of all, we didn’t defy Eru. We did exactly what Eru asked: we adorned His music with our “own thoughts and devices.”

Second, Melkor did not mislead anyone. We all knew what we were doing. And you don’t see Gothmog or any of the fire spirits going around apologizing.

And now Manwë, this whiny little loser, is trying to pass himself off as so pious and so repentant. Ugh, I could kill him.

Whatever killing is.

#7: Eru’s Big Joke

Aug
22

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: grousing

Alright, let me finish my story. So Eru embarassed Melkor, which just seemed gratuitous and unnecessary to me. Melkor didn’t do anything he wasn’t asked to do.

Then Eru called us all over the the Edge of the Void. I was afraid the big guy was going to do something rash, like throw Melkor into the Void or something. I have to admit, I was kind of hiding behind Huan at that point — I was one of the instigators of the trouble, after all.

But Eru gestured into the Void, and called out “Behold your Music!”

Then a world appeared. An entire freakin’ world!

It was absolutely amazing. All the colors — color had never even existed before! And sound — no, the Music of the Ainur is not “sound,” what would the sound travel through? Air doesn’t exist! The sounds of the world were mesmerizing. And the smells, and the feelings — the heat and cold and the wind.

There is never ANYTHING this cool in the Heavenly Spheres, ever. Who wants to spend eternity praising Eru and singing songs, when we could go down into all that beauty?

I looked at Melkor, and could tell he was thinking the exact same thing.

Eru says, “This is your minstrelsy,” which is Eru’s two-dollar word for “singing,” “and each of you shall find contained herein, amid the design that I set before you, all those things which it may seem that he himself devised or added.”

And He turns to Melkor and says, “And thou, Melkor, wilt discover all the secret thoughts of thy mind, and wilt perceive that they are but a part of the whole and tributary to its glory.”

Yeah sure, Eru. It’s ALL you. What an egomaniac.

Then Eru waved His hand, and the Vision was gone! A bunch of us yelled out in dismay! Turns out Eru was just showing us what COULD be.

Great joke, Eru. You’re a real peach. Show me something that finally gives meaning to my otherwise pointless existence, and then just take it away.

I’m beginning to think we need to do something about this guy.

#6: Eru’s Arrogance Is Pissing Me Off

Aug
18

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: rueful

Okay, Aulë is off mooning over that bitch Yavanna – I can see to whom she wants to “give her fruits,” if you know what I mean. Anyway, I have time to work on my blog.

So Melkor and I showed Eru how much we could improve on His music, but the Big Guy just went ape-shit. This was after he invited us to improve on his theme – I know I keep harping on that, but what did he expect?

So Eru shuts everyone up, and then summons Melkor to come forward. I would have gone up there too, but Aulë was giving me this murderous look. I am so tired of that stupid lunkhead. I have ten times his talent. You know Quantum Chromodynamics? That was ALL ME.

Anyway, Melkor goes up before Eru, and I must say he looked pretty nervous. I was afraid Ilúvatar was going to punish Melkor in some really drastic way – uncreate him or something. It had never occurred to me before that Eru held such dreadful power over us.

I don’t like it.

Eru says, “Mighty are the Ainur, and mightiest among them is Melkor.”

That’s an encouraging start, I thought.

Then Eru went into spin control. Seems He has decided to take the music we all created – Eru’s theme and Melkor’s – and use it as a kind of blueprint to build a world in the Void!

So let me get this straight – He’s mad because we wrecked his song, but He’s going to use that song to create the Universe?

“And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me,” He says, “nor can any alter the music in My despite. For he that attempteth this shall prove but Mine instrument in the devising of things more wonderful, which he himself hath not imagined.”

Let me translate that for you. “Thou, Melkor, have embarrassed Me by writing a better song. But everything you do is really all Me anyway. So suck it.”

Eru is being an arrogant prick. I know, I shouldn’t say things like that. But c’mon, I’m right, aren’t I?

I gotta say, Melkor did not look happy. But he just stood there and bit his tongue. Whatever a tongue is.

Oh, crap! Here comes Aulë. I’ll finish later.