Posts Tagged ‘Elbereth Gilthoniel’

#31: Seeing Stars

Dec
19

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vindicated

Sorry, it’s been ages (literally) since I last wrote. I’ve been really busy. And I have great news — I got my own fortress!

It’s called Angband — it means “The Hells of Iron.” Isn’t that cool? It’s an outlying fortress and armory for Melkor’s great fortress of Utumno. And it’s all mine!

As you can see, my efforts in assisting Melkor in his defeat of the Valar rebels are really paying off, career-wise.

Of course, it’s not all good news. Ever since we destroyed the great lamps, all of Middle-Earth has been bathed in soothing darkness, as it should be. Only the light from the rivers of lava that spews forth from mighty volcanoes illuminated the world. Until that whore Varda interfered.

She crafted these things she calls “stars,” and that I call “annoying specks of light.” And she scattered them all over the firmament. Now you’d think if she was going to go to all the trouble, these stars would be bright enough to illuminate the Earth. But they’re not. They just kind of sit up there in the sky, being worthless. In fact, we didn’t even notice them at first – after all, who looks up? By the time we figured out what was going on, Varda had thousands of the things up there. Melkor chased her away, but it was too late to spare the firmament of Varda’s vandalism.

As for the rest of the Valar — my spies tell me that Tulkas presses for war against us, but Manwë is too much of a pussy. He’s been listening to his friend Mandos, a dour and morose idiot I could never stand to hang out with back in the Timeless Halls. They plan to just sit behind the Pelóri and do nothing. Cowards.

But it works out great for us. We’ve had the time to fortify the main stronghold at Utumno, and build my fortress. Soon, very soon, we shall strike, and the Valar will be no more!

#26: I Don’t Like Ale, Not at All

Oct
3

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: hung over

Ugh. My head is pounding, my mouth tastes like crap, and my whole body aches. If this is what happens after a night of getting drunk, I’m never doing it again.

Here’s what happened. We’ve already begun our final assault on the Valar, and those boneheads are just beginning to figure it out. Melkor has created a Corrupting Miasma, and it’s spreading out from Utumno league after league, killing all life that it touches. It’s pretty cool. Meanwhile, we’re getting ready for the big fight.

For me, that means making sure our buddies inside Almaren are ready for us. One of the most important is called Curunír, a clever little fellow who resents the way Manwë lords it over all the other Ainur. Personally, I think it’s Curunír who would rather do the lording; he’s really one of us.

Curunír is a spirit of craft like me, but he didn’t come over to our side because he’s a frightened little pussy. But he concocted a potion that will put anyone to sleep, and his job is to keep Tulkas unconscious. Just a few drops every once in a while should keep that big blond idiot blissfully asleep, until Melkor comes to put a spear through his eye.

Now, while I’ve been sneaking around amongst the Valar, I noticed that they’ve taken to fermenting barley and drinking the ale this produces. I freaking invented fermentation, so I certainly understand the principle. Still, it’s a weird thing to do, intentionally imbibing poisonous alcohol to depress the central nervous system. I wasn’t going to let the Valar get anything over us, so when I got back to Utumno, I brewed a batch on my own.

It was pretty damn good. Melkor praised it as well as my brewing arts, and pretty soon we had a party going. The stupid Valar only drink a few bowls, and “sacrifice” the rest to Eru. Morons. We drank the whole damn thing. It was wild.

Let me tell you, Melkor is not a fun drunk. He gets all morose and angry, and starts complaining about every wrong thing anyone ever did to him. Especially Eru. Oh, did he go on about Eru. He also said some weird stuff about he and I being “special friends,” so much closer than anyone else. I should be thrilled, but I don’t know, it just came across as creepy.

I did learn something I didn’t know. Have I mentioned Varda? She was pretty big back in the old days in the Timeless Halls. She was chief of the female air spirits. I never thought much of her — she had a reedy singing voice.

Anyway, she’s shacked up with Manwë the Dickless Prick. I happened to mention it in passing the other day, whatever a “day” is. When Melkor got drunk, he started in on a long tear — it seems he and Varda were an item, back before the Ainulindalë. This might explain some of the bad blood between Melkor and Manwë.

Seriously, what would a chick like that see in Manwë anyway? He’s a sniveling little worm!

The next time I write should be after the final assault, when we destroy the Valar and feast on their flesh! Victory is ours!