Posts Tagged ‘Darkening of Valinor’

#44: Melkor is Keeping Secrets from Me!

Apr
24

Date: March 25th, 1 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: betrayed

Today is my birthday. And it’s ruined!

Yeah yeah yeah, okay, how can I, Sauron Gorthaur, Chief of the Maiar, Master of Angband and Lord of Werewolves, who was made at the hand of Eru Ilúvatar in the Timeless Halls in the Days Before Days, have a birthday?

I’d like to say I determined it through some fancy calculation based on esoteric knowledge known only to the Ainur. But in fact, I picked it myself when I was hiding in the East during the Imprisonment of Melkor. It cheered me up to celebrate my birthday, and gift myself with a meal of raw Elf-flesh.

Anyway. Today was my birthday, but I was working, checking the outer defenses of Angband. It seems the Valar, perturbed by Melkor’s escape, have doubled the fortifications around Valinor, making their mountains extra tall with slippery slides you can’t climb. This is utterly ridiculous, since (1) they left an ungated entrance right smack dab in the middle of the wall, so their Elvish pets can get in and out, and (2) WE CAN SHIFT SHAPE AND FLY. Morons.

But I was double-checking the walls, climbing along the peaks of Thangorodrim when I came upon something astonishing — there was an Elf chained to one of the peaks!

WTF???

So I talked to him. His name is Maedhros, and intimidated by the Terror of My Eyes, he started blabbing his whole story, which was pretty much based on being sorely mistreated by this fellow called “Morgoth.”

It took me a while to figure out that “Morgoth” is Melkor. Yes, this was one of those idiot Elves who went across the sea to go be willing slaves and captives of the Valar. Apparently, they’re back — at least, some of them.

One of them was called Fëanor, who had these jewels that Melkor really, really wanted. (Can you imagine? A being of our divine stature, obsessed with a piece of jewelry? How stupid is that? What is wrong with Melkor nowadays???) So I guess Melkor killed some king, stole the jewels, and fled to Angband.

This Fëanor and his friends followed, and want to get the jewels back. Apparently they did a lot of evil shit along the way — Fëanor sounds like he might have been kind of a cool guy, for an Elf.

Anyway, Fëanor arrives in Beleriand, and is immediately attacked by an army of Orcs. He prevails, and raising an army of his own, and begins to march on Angband (ha!). He’s attacked again, and this time, Gothmog kills him.

Then Melkor actually sent ambassadors to negotiate with Fëanor’s sons. Remember the last time we negotiated? With mortals? Neither do I!

There’s another battle, and the Elves are slain or forced to flee. But this guy, Maedhros, eldest son of Fëanor, was captured, and Melkor chained him to the mountain.

Now, the problem with all this is I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT. Why on Middle-Earth would Melkor send out an army without me to lead them? We only ever lose battles when Melkor is in charge! I never lose!

I’ll tell you why. Because when Melkor first got back from Valinor and tried to tell me about all the shenanigans he got into with Elves out there, I made fun of the idea that Anthropomorphic Manifestations of Eternal Verities, like us, would ever give a flying crap about anything one of the “Children of Ilúvatar” did or said. It’s like you, dear reader, worrying about what a hill of ants thinks of you.

I think Melkor was embarrassed after telling me about it. And now he didn’t want to tell me that these idiotic Elves had followed him home.

I’m going to go talk to Melkor about this. You know, things were really a lot better before he came back. No Valinorian super-Elves with bright eyes, no freakin’ Sun or Moon. All because he killed those idiotic trees and stole some jewels.

Hmn. I want to see these jewels. I can’t imagine they’re worth all this trouble.

#41: Melkor is Back!

Nov
4

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: stunned

Melkor is back! No, really! It turns out that noise was him!

Apparently, after the war, the Valar traitors dragged Melkor back to Valinor and threw him in the Halls of Mandos, where they kept him imprisoned for three ages.

Has it really been three ages? I wouldn’t know. How long is an “age?”

Anyway, they eventually let Melkor free, and Manwë the Dickless Prick actually pardoned him, seemingly convinced that three ages sitting in dark hole was gonna put Melkor in a better mood. What the hell is wrong with that guy? I mean, just how stupid is he?

So Melkor decided to hang out for a while in Valinor, and get up to some mischief. He says the place is just crawling with Elves, so Melkor spent a bunch of time screwing with them. I didn’t really listen to this part – Melkor went on and on about all these freakin’ Elves and their families and arguments. Who cares?

Anyway, the Valar finally figured out that Melkor wasn’t “reformed,” so he escaped south to the land Avathar, which is in Valinor but on the other side of the Pelóri, so it wasn’t poisoned by the light of those insipid trees. And guess who he found there?

No, guess!

Ungoliant! Remember her, the really weird chick from back in the Timeless Halls? Turns out she’s been living down south in spider form, eating everything in sight. I am not at all surprised she got fat.

So Melkor hooked up with Ungoliant, and convinced her to help him attack those moronic trees, which they did. Ungoliant sucked all the life and light out of them, and now they’re just a couple of dried-out husks. Excellent work, if you ask me.

Long story short, Melkor and Ungoliant escaped. They stopped off at some guy’s house to kill him and take his magic rocks — seriously, anything about Elves and I just tune out — and then they crossed the grinding ice of the Helcaraxë and made it back to Middle Earth.

That’s when Ungoliant decided to attack Melkor. It was Melkor who was screaming when I sent the Balrogs to go check it out. Seriously, Melkor has really lost the old mojo if Ungoliant can almost kick his ass.

The Balrogs showed up, drove Ungoliant away, and brought Melkor back here to Angband. End of story.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I have fixed feelings about Melkor being back. But I do have to say this: he is PISSED.

And that, my friends, can only be a good thing.

#40: What the Heck Was That Noise?

Oct
2

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: bewildered

We just heard a terrible noise coming out of the far northwest of Middle-Earth. It was the same sound the Orcs make when I torture them, but a million times worse.

It was clearly of supernatural origin, as we could hear it in Angband hundreds of miles away.  Yes, I’ve returned to Angband — it’s my house, and I won’t be driven into hiding because Melkor was too much of a pussy to defeat Manwë and his butt buddies.

Anyway, I’ve sent some of the balrogs to see what it’s all about.