Posts Tagged ‘cardinal directions’

#24: Ow, The Light! My Eyes!

Sep
24

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: frostbitten

Ow! Crap! I can barely see to type! I hate the freaking Valar SO MUCH!

We’re still in the Outer Dark — that’s on the FAR SIDE of the sky, in case you didn’t know — and I’m freezing my ass off. I’m still in the form of a great werewolf, and let me tell you, fur only does so much good. The fiery balrogs are just fine, of course, but the rest of us are gonna die of hypothermia soon.

After our “strategic redeployment” into the Void, Melkor declared that we would wait out here until the time was ripe to strike again. This caused quite a bit of grumbling amongst the troops, and I had to kick some asses. No one questions Melkor! Although personally, I think he’s just hoping Tulkas will decide to go back home to the Timeless Halls.

Melkor just isn’t the same since the First War. He doesn’t laugh, or make jokes (he used to make wicked jokes), and he’ll hardly talk to anyone except me. His wounds are healing, but he’ll never be quite as fair again. He spends all his time brooding, planning how to kill Manwë the Dickless Prick and Tulkas.

Anyway, we’ve been keeping a close eye on the Valar traitors from out here. As I said before, we can see into The World, but they can’t see out — the sky is like one-way glass. (I know what “glass” is — it’s melted sand. I know everything there is to know about melted and burned things.)

The Valar didn’t really repair any of the damage they did to Arda during the First War — I don’t know if they’re lazy, or they just don’t care, or they like the coastlines and mountain ranges to be all jaggedy and irregular — who knows?

Yavanna (she’s the girlfriend of Aulë, my idiot former boss) went around doing her seed-planting thing, and now The World is once again buried under moldy green growth. Almost all the volcanoes have been plugged up, and there’s no magma anywhere. Ulmo has the seas all calmed down and placid, although I notice that Ossë likes to batter the coasts with some really cool storms. How the hell did Ossë not end up on our team? (Note to self — see if Ossë can be lured over.)

Then the Valar started working on some mysterious project. I couldn’t figure out what they were doing from so far away, and I begged Melkor for permission to go back into Arda and spy on the Valar — but he wouldn’t hear of it.

They built these two enormous towers, one in the far north and one in the south. (Let me explain about north, south, east and west. These are arbitrary directions devised by Melkor. He decided to call the direction from which we entered into the world “west,” and then the others follow from that.) Anyway, these towers totally and completely violate the laws of physics, the laws that I worked so hard on! Any structure that tall should be crushed under its own weight, and collapse the crust beneath it.

But ohhhhh no, when Manwë and his cronies want something, they just cheat.

So they erect these towers, and Varda comes along to place something at the top of the northern one. Of course, I’m looking right at it because I want to know what’s going on. And then…

VOOM! I’m blind!

She filled the top of the tower with pure, unadulterated LIGHT! Not just photons, but the archetypal essence of light. And it’s bright — bright enough to fill half of Arda with blinding illumination!

I’m still rubbing my eyes with my paws, trying to clear away the little squigglies from my vision. Then — yes, you guessed it — she fires up the southern tower. Now the whole world is bathed in light! And of course, it all bounces off the surface of the Disc and out into the Void!

Everyone is shielding their eyes and complaining, while Melkor just stares down in steely anger. Don’t get me wrong, we had a plan to light the world — that’s what the magma was for! Our world was going to have light for the creatures who needed it, dark for the creatures who needed that (like wolves, ahem), and lots of phosphorous raining from the sky for the plants.

The idiotic Valar now have everything bathed in unchanging light. What the hell are nocturnal animals supposed to do? Don’t these people think?

Let me tell you, the first thing that comes down when we take over again is those blasted towers. Stupid, just stupid.