Posts Tagged ‘Black Númenóreans’

#79: In Which I Go on a Gift-Giving Spree

May
17

Date: June 12, 2204 S.A.
My Mood Is: crafty

Annatar, Lord of Gifts, is back in business, and business is good. I have distributed all 16 of my Rings of Power, and now I’m just waiting for the payoff.

The Dwarves were the easiest to trick — no surprise there, anything created by Aulë is going to be dumb as a post, just like its creator. All I had to do was hint to my Dwarven contacts that some magic rings were available, and the poor stupid bastards came to me.

First I got a delegation from Khazad-dûm, demanding magic rings from me — their king, Durin the Umpteenth, claimed that the rings were made with Moria-gold, and so were rightfully his. So I pretended for a while I didn’t want to give up any rings, and then “caved” to the pressure. The Khazad-dûm Dwarves got three rings, and then I gave another two to the Dwarves of Belegost and another two to Nogrod. Anyway, as long as these stumpy morons take care of their rings (and don’t let then get eaten by dragons), I will soon rule the Dwarven race!

Men have been more difficult to ensnare, as any King of Men with the power and intelligence to be worth ensaring tends to have friends amongst the accursed Elves and their Númenórean allies. But I have managed to find nine who will make useful servants — three of them are Númenórean Sea-Kings, so-called “Black Númenóreans,” whose fear of death led them to accept my rings; and one was even a woman. The first to accept a ring, El-Murazor, is now over 500 years old, and just beginning to feel “thin” and “stretched.” He can’t see it, but he’s beginning to get permanently transparent — within 50 years he’ll be a full-blown wraith. Then he’s all mine.

And when I have total control over nine Kings of Men and seven Kings of the Dwarves, the Elves will have lost all their allies in Middle-Earth. Then all I have to worry about is the damned Númenóreans, and I have a few ideas on that front. Yes, I do.

Bwa ha ha. BWA HA HA. BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Well, dinner is ready, gotta go. Later tonight I’m gonna spend a few hours polishing  my Ring — it’s precious to me, and I like to spend time with it. No, that’s not weird. It’s mine, my own… my precious.

#77: %$#@! &%*#!! @#$%!!!

Jan
18

Date: March 25th, 1700 S.A.
My Mood Is: fuck! shit!! damn!!!

Fuck! Shit!! Damn!!! Every time things start to go my way, it all goes to shit! And – of course – on my birthday, too!

I had Middle-earth all tied up — all tied up in a little red ribbon of flame, disease and death — when who shows up? The Númenóreans! Like, hundreds of thousands of the shiny-armored buggers in thousands of shiny ships, pouring over the horizon like shiny lemmings.

And the motherfuckers know how to fight! In just two weeks they’ve pushed my main force out of Lindon and all the way back to mid-Eriador, by the banks of the Baranduin. Now they’re slaughtering my Orcs and Wargs and Trolls and Evil Men, and the river is running red and blue with thick, chunky blood. How can people with such atrocious taste in headgear be such effective warriors?

Assholes! Go back to Westernesse where you belong! Mind your own business!

I’ve tried negotiating with this Ciryatur the Ship-Lord, the admiral sent by the Númenórean emperor to aid his buddy Gil-Galad. And by “negotiating,” I mean “tricking into going home.” But no go. And yet… and yet there’s something to these Númenóreans. Something… corruptible. I wonder if some of these Númenórean princes might like their own domains in Middle-earth, with their own magic rings…

Bwa ha ha. Bwa ha ha ha ha. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh crap! I just lost two deathyderms and six Fell Beasts. This battle sucks — IT SUCKS!!!

You know what I miss? From the First Age? Werewolves! My boyz like Draugluin, and that other fella, what was his name… Carcharoth! Yeah, whatever happened to those guys? They wouldn’t stand still and let a bunch of stupid Sea Kings rip them to shreds in a meadow.

Oh, man. There go the last of my Watchers in the Water. I’m gonna have to retreat again.

Shit! Fuck!! Damn!!!