Posts Tagged ‘Arda’

#20: The Valar Are A Bunch Of Meat Monkeys

Jun
12

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: amused

To summarize: Melkor and I got in trouble for making better music than Eru, the so-called “One.” (I have “one” asshole, that doesn’t make it special.) So Eru created a world out of our song, and let us go down to live in it. But He also sent along a bunch of useless Ainur, the so-called “Valar,” who’ve done nothing but get in our way. Now their leader Manwë , a.k.a. The Dickless Prick, has driven Melkor and me into the far north of Arda, and set about ruining everything we’ve accomplished.

The time is coming soon when Melkor will gather all the loyal fire and darkness spirits, and we will attack, driving the filthy Valar from this world. Let them sit in the Outer Dark, cold and alone. Especially Melian, that whore.

Melkor has tasked me with keeping an eye on the accursed Valar. He gives me all the important jobs because honestly, who else is he going to rely on? Ungoliant? She ran off soon after we redeployed to the north, and hasn’t been seen since. Glaurung? He’s not too bright, and anyway, Melkor has some special project for him. Gothmog? He sits in the lava pits, playing with his whips. Cripes, why did we bring any of these losers along with us?

So anyway, I’ve been snooping around invisibly, watching the Valar and Maiar as they foul up everything in Arda — “oceans” and “clouds” and “forests” and all that crap.

But here’s the most astonishing thing. And I’m not kidding — I couldn’t have made this up. The Valar and Maiar have clothed themselves in flesh, and taken the form of… primates. That’s right, Eru-damned monkeys! They’re walking around like two-legged meat sausages, eating and drinking an excreting and sweating.

It’s ridiculous! We’re frikkin’ gods, fer crissakes! Apparently, the accursed “Children of Ilúvatar” are going to be primates. Seriously! So Manwë and his brown-nosers have decided to dress up like “Elves,” and prance around in silly skin costumes. I gotta tell ya, I reported this to Melkor, and he was so surprised his iron crown fell off! We had a good, really long laugh about it.

It wasn’t so funny, though, ’cause when I was sneaking around, I saw Melian. Her Elven form is particularly… shapely, I must say. I mean, looking at her, I could see what all the fuss is about.

Stupid bitch.

Anyway, the rest of us are going to have to consider adopting fleshly forms, just to deny the Valar any advantage. One more thing to worry about.

But if anyone thinks I’m gonna start using a toilet, they have another thing coming.

#19: I’m Not Too Fond Of The New Digs

Apr
11

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: unapologetic

I would apologize for not posting in so long, but I’m not really in the mood to apologize for anything.

When the Dickless Prick and his little friends rose up against Melkor, I was all for pounding their asses right then and there. Melkor and I even argued about it. I pointed out that, since Arda was still all fiery and lava-ey, we could use the situation to our advantage. Rally the fire spirits and attack. Use Arda Itself as a weapon. Hurl all the forces of Fire and Heat against the Valar, and destroy them.

But Melkor was afraid that we would fail. He said that all of our power was tied up in the Creation — that by being the principal architects of Arda, we had placed too much of ourselves into the World. The Earth, Wind and Water spirits, on the other hand, had yet to spend their powers on Creation, and so still retained all their energy. He bid us to wait, until our enemies had used up all their fëar on Creation. Then we would attack.

So we have bided our time. And Melkor was right about one thing — the stupid-ass Valar have been happy to splooge their so-called “beauty” all over our ordered and efficient world.

Let me tell you what Arda looked like when Melkor and I were done with it — beautiful vales of igneous rock, filled with magnificent rivers of flowing lava. Volcanoes that sent golden sprays of molten rock high into the air, and filled the spaces above the Disc of the World with lovely flammable gases. It was as fantastic as it sounds.

Well, from our stronghold in the North, we’ve watched the so-called Valar destroy everything we worked for. The igneous vales are now covered in noxious soil, and the soil itself is infested with grasses that cover all like a mold. I have nothing against trees — the fires have to have something to burn — but now there are trees everywhere, blanketing the land in monochromatic green. I have nothing against water, either — the fires need something to boil — but you will not believe me when I tell you how much water they have used to drown the World. No less than seven tenths of the Disc’s surface is now hidden beneath foul-smelling, salty water! I think it’s just their attempt to put out our fires!

Fortunately, our fires burn deep underground, and even the seas of water can not extinguish them. You know why not? Workmanship.

Soon, the Valar will have expended all their energy on burying the World underneath a thin scum of imperfectible life. Then, their resources drained, we will attack.

I mentioned our “stronghold.” Ever since we redeployed to the North (not “fled” — redeployed), we have labored on constructing a great military base from which to launch our assault upon the Valar traitors. Basically, it’s a really deep pit surrounded by giant mountains. I don’t like it. Melkor sits at the bottom of the pit, brooding, while I have to direct all the spirits in its construction. I’m trying to make it something more interesting than a big hole– but since this is the first actual building in the history of Creation, I’m forced to make things up as I go along.

For instance, I’m still trying to figure out how people will get in and out of the fortress. If I make a hole in the mountain range, our enemies can get in. If I don’t, we can’t get out. One of the spirits of craft suggested that I put part of the wall on a hinge, so it can be pulled open and shut. That seems like a good idea. But what should we call it? I’ll have to ask the spirit — his name is Doër.

#18: I Am Going To Kill Manwë, I Swear It

Jan
20

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: vengeful

Well, everything has gone to shit, and there’s no one to blame but that little prick Manwë. That dickless little suckup has ruined everything!

So Melkor and I managed to get the Disc of Arda built, with some help from that moron Aulë, yes, but mostly it was us and the Fire Spirits.

Then it was time to order the rest of creation; the airs and the flora and the fauna and all that. Melkor, the Greatest of the Valar, called everybody together to manage this whole affair, because we can’t have Ainur running around just putting anything anywhere, “poof” there’s a tree, “poof” there’s a cloud.

There has to be order. Purpose. So Melkor stepped in to take charge.

Well, that’s when Manwë gets his thong in a knot. He claims — claims — that he wants all the Valar and Valier to share equally in the shaping of what he insists on calling “the habitation of the Children of Ilúvatar.” As if they’re why we’re doing all this. Please.

But what Manwë really wants is to be some sort of king of the Valar, denying Melkor his rightful title. You just watch and see — I guarantee you mister “we’re all equal” will be ordering everyone around within a week.

He says to Melkor, “This kingdom thou shalt not take for thine own, wrongfully, for many others have laboured here no less than thou.” Hypocrite. And yeah, I’d say many others labored here less than us.

Well, Melkor got pissed, and who can blame him? He declared himself, rightly, Eru’s representative in Arda, and claimed Arda as his kingdom. I immediately recognized his lordship, as did all our usual friends. (Hmn. I noticed that Ungoliant was suspiciously absent. Bitch.)

Well, it was all downhill from there. All the other Valar and Valier immediately sided with Manwë, which convinces me this was some kind of pre-planned coup against Melkor. Even Huan, my so-called “best friend,” sided with the insurgents.

But the very WORST part, the unbearable part, is that Melian sided with them too. Instead of taking my side, the side of the Maia she supposedly loved, she slunk off to be with the Vala Irmo. Oh, she tried to convince me to follow Manwë — some bullshit about peace and love and fraternity. Stupid bitch.

I will never forgive her for betraying me. And if she won’t be with me, she won’t be with anyone — you just watch.

But the architect of my misery is the Dickless Prick. I will get my revenge on Manwë, and it will be slow and painful. I will make him suffer, and then I will destroy him.

Oh, Eru, I can’t believe she left me.

#17: The Planet of Arda is Completed

Dec
20

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: exhausted

Well, it’s finally done. It wasn’t too bad — what with assembling the mathematical framework, building the initial singularity, setting off universal expansion, installing inflation and setting the Cosmological Constant, burning through the first generation galaxies to assemble the heavy elements, constructing the second order galaxies, and building Arda, it only took about 13.4 billion years. Which isn’t so long, really.

A whole lotta work to build one planet, though. Sheesh. Those so-called “Children of Ilúvatar” had better be grateful.

There was some controversy about the design of the planet, initially. Melkor and I came up with some really crazy ideas, like making the planet in the shape of a ship (whatever a “ship” is). But we realized that, what with gravitation and everything, that the most logical design was a flat disc. Sure, you can’t really do anything useful with the bottom side, but the top works as a nice stable platform for all the mountains and trees and shit.

The biggest flaw is that all the water runs off the edges. Ulmo wanted to make the world bowl-shaped, but he got voted down — that egotistical prick Manwë didn’t want anything blocking the view of his precious skies. I wanted to piss them both off, so I suggested a hollow sphere with the sky and water on the outside. LOL, you should have seen their faces.

Anyway, Melkor and I devoted ourselves to building the disk. We wanted to make sure the Fire Spirits, our close allies, had their own realm in Arda. So secretly, without consulting the others, we hollowed out the disk and built a realm of flame and lava inside the planet. Niiiiiice. Nothing they can do about it now.

It’s too bad all the beautiful flame is hidden under the earth, though. I’m thinking of poking a nice deep hole, to let the magma out onto the surface. Can you imagine it? A colossal mountain of cooled magma, with plumes of lava and smoke pouring out from the top! Sweeeet!

I might even be able to use its power for some magical experiments I’ve been thinking about.

#15: “Valar” and “Maiar?” I Didn’t Sign Up for That!

Sep
22

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: let down

Well, we’ve gotten started on building and assembling the World of Arda. Melkor is doing most of the heavy lifting, of course, taking charge of the project and overseeing all the lesser spirits.

Most of the work has involved the spontaneous generation of matter and energy. I’m proud to say the Fire Spirits have been most helpful in this matter, and the most eager to bend to the wisdom of Melkor. I’ve been spending a lot of time corralling the useless Earth, Air and Water Spirits. These morons are all over the map, and Creation would be nothing but a muddy pile if someone didn’t whip these imbeciles into shape.

I saw Melian today. She looked great. I wanted to say hello, but I was too nervous.

Anyway. Of course, we got trouble right away from the Manwë/Ulmo contingent. Neither of these guys had any clout back in the Timeless Halls — but come to Arda, and all of a sudden they think they’re gods or something. Melkor was second only to Eru back in the Halls; that means he’s second to NO ONE in Arda.

I suspect this is something Manwë and Ulmo will have to be taught. Eventually.

To shut up some of the noisier Ainur, Melkor came up with a plan, and I really don’t like it. Fifteen of the Ainur, eight male and seven female, are to be anointed “Valar,” or Greater Spirits. The rest will be “Maiar,” or Lesser Spirits.

I’m to be a Maia. SAURON DOES NOT APPROVE.

Melkor spent a long time calming me down, and explaining this to me. He says he needs me to work directly under him; that as Second-in-Command to the Greatest of the Valar, I will be the second most powerful, the Greatest of the Maiar.

Bullshit.

He also says he’s setting up Manwë, Ulmo, Oromë and the others. They’ll accept all this power and responsibility, and fail — then it will be clear that all power should accrue to Melkor. And me.

Now Huan is telling me he’s HAPPY to be a Maia. What a dumbass.

#14: Who the Hell is “Iarwain?”

Sep
12

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: disgusted

So, like I said, Melkor, He Who Arises In Might, was the first of the Ainur to descend into Eä and take shape within Arda (followed closely by me). Arda is a small, dark space. And it should be empty.

But there was already somebody there.

As we Ainur all floated incorporeal and naked in the dark, freezing our metaphorical asses off in the zero-degree-Kelvin temperature, the sound of singing came out of the dark.

There was no air, of course, so the singing had to be metaphysical in nature. That would imply another Ainu, right?

And what singing. Even the most banal and insipid ditty that talentless hack Manwë could devise, would seem as the deep and lofty music of Melkor compared to this drivel.

“Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dadar!
Iar Wain, jolly wain, Iarwain Ben-adar!”

And more stupidity like that.

We were all pretty surprised at first. Melkor got into an argument with Manwë over who the singer was. Melkor kept demanding to know why someone was in Arda before us. That sniveling toady Manwë replied that it didn’t matter, it was up to Eru, and we shouldn’t worry about it.

Screw Eru. We live here in Arda now. Let Eru look after the Timeless Halls — this is OUR world, mine and Melkor’s.

And all the other Ainur too, of course.

#13: Eru’s Second Great Bait-and-Switch

Sep
8

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: aggravated

Sorry I haven’t posted in a little while, things have been very hectic here in Arda. And I am NOT happy.

The Vision of the Ainulindalë showed us a world vast in time and space. Well, that’s not what we got. Eä itself is finite in scope, with beginning and end, and so seems tiny and cramped compared to the Infinite Realms of the Timeless Halls of Ilúvatar.

But we don’t GET to live in Eä. Oh no. Surprising, isn’t it, since Eru never told us anything of the kind before we committed to this?

No, we Ainur are confined to Arda, a tiny sphere in the center of Eä. The whole damn thing’s only a few tens of thousands of miles across. And outside of it, all is Dark and Void.

So, in all the infinite and immeasurable vastness of spacetime, we, the Ainur, the First and True Children of Ilúvatar, greatest of all beings save One, must slum around on a tiny planet surrounded by walls of firmament.

This sucks balls.

Well, you might say, at least you get to rule over Arda, right? A world of light and life and fire and ice? Filled with delicious animals and servile mortals, right?

No. Arda is filled with Dark and Void, as well.

You see, Eru showed us a preview of the World, but He didn’t bother to actually create it. WE have to create it. Molecule by molecule, stone by stone.

Something He also failed to mention.

There’s one more thing He forgot to tell us, and even more than our virtual imprisonment, and the long hard labor before us, this irks the hell out of me.

You see, when we Ainur arrived, “first” of all beings to dwell in Arda — there was already somebody here.

#12: Welcome To The World, Now Can I Go Home?

Aug
31

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: drained

Well, I am writing this from within the World of Arda. I suppose I should be thrilled — instead I am tired and confused.

I would say about a third of the Hosts of the Ainur volunteered to enter Eä, the World That Is. Most wanted to go; but some went out of service or friendship to someone else. Huan made a big deal out of the fact he was coming for my sake. I mean, I’m glad, but I didn’t ask him to come. I don’t need him. Truthfully, he’s really not on my level. I plan to make new friends in Arda.

Lots and lots of Ainur went because Melkor was going. Most of the fire spirits, a whole bunch of darkness spirits, and many spirits of craft like myself. But lots of air, earth, and water spirits too.

Especially water spirits. Ulmo is their leader — I guess he’s a friend of that stupid air spirit, Manwë. But Ossë came too, and he’s pretty cool, in small doses.

Who else went? Melian. I’ve always had a crush on her — she is smoking hot. She’s with the forest spirits, who I think went into Arda just so they could find out what the hell a “forest” is. Oh Eru, and speaking of women — just as we were preparing to enter the World, Ungoliant came slithering up. You should have seen the look on Melkor’s face — he was definitely hoping to ditch her.

And Manwë tried to give a speech before we descended. What a despicable prick. But Melkor just cut him off. There’s no love lost there.

Melkor was the first to descend, of course. He didn’t even look back at Eru. We’re not going to be needing Him anymore.

And guess who was second? Manwë tried to cut in front of me, but I just stomped on his instep and jumped ahead. After Melkor, I, Sauron, was first into the World of Arda.

It was horrible.

As I passed from the immaterial and incorporeal to the material and corporeal, I felt myself stretched beyond breaking, and yet crushed into nothing, as wide as the World and yet small as a speck of dust. I felt myself forced through an impenetrable barrier, my very being fractured and demolished, then reassembled and made whole.

The pain was unbearable.

When I came to my senses, I found myself in a tiny realm of unbearable cold and total darkness. At first I panicked, certain that something had gone wrong. Was it all a trick? Had Eru fashioned a prison for all who denied Him, who desired time and contingency and sensation over an eternity of singing praises?

Then I heard Melkor calling my name, followed soon by the mingled shouts and protestations of the other Ainur.

We had arrived, passing into Eä, the World That Is, and at its center, Arda, the World of the Vision of the Ainulindalë.

So far, it really sucks.

#10: Eä! Let Things Not Suck So Hard From Now On!

Aug
26

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: ecstatic

The day started terribly. I was already depressed; then Aulë announced his schedule for today, which involved two hours of singing Eru’s praises, followed by four hours of choir practice, an hour-long discussion of how great Eru is, then another two hours of singing.

With no lunch.

So we’re busy singing when I hear Huan mention my name. He’s saying, “Sauron? Haven’t seen him. Try over by the Outer Airs.” Well, Huan knew perfectly well I was right there. So I left my position in the choir to see what was going on. I knew Aulë would have my ass over it, but you know what? I don’t care.

Huan was talking to Melkor! Lying to him! That little prick! I was soooo pissed. Huan is really beginning to piss me off.

Melkor didn’t care though, he was just glad he found me. He said Eru had another big announcement, but one we would really like, and I had to come with him at once! Can you believe that, Melkor came to find ME! We’re definitely, totally friends now.

Well, Aulë came over to bust me for leaving the choir. But Melkor said, “Aulë, Lord of the Cthonic Spirits, you and your host must come as well. For Ilúvatar hath summoned us forth.”

Well, Aulë just grumbled, and we all went up to the Empyrean Airs, where well nigh all of the Ainur were assembling.

“I have spoken to Ilúvatar,” Melkor whispered to me, “and He hath harkened, for the Ainur have become restless. Now much we have desired shall come to pass.”

Cool!

Then Eru came upon us, and He said, “I know the desire of your minds that what ye have seen should verily be, not only in your thought, but even as ye yourselves are, and yet other.”

No shit, Sherlock.

“Therefore I say: Eä! Let these things Be!”

And suddenly the Void was filled with light! It was awesome. “Eä.” I gotta remember that trick.

Then Eru said, “And I will send forth into the Void the Flame Imperishable, and it shall be at the heart of the World, and the World shall Be; and those of you that will may go down into it. “

Yes!! We get a world, we get the Flame Imperishable, and best of all, we have a ticket out of this metaphysical hellhole of singing and praising!

I was jumping up and down, I was so excited. I think I hugged Melkor, which is kind of embarrassing.

I am ready. I want to go down into that World. NOW.

#7: Eru’s Big Joke

Aug
22

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: grousing

Alright, let me finish my story. So Eru embarassed Melkor, which just seemed gratuitous and unnecessary to me. Melkor didn’t do anything he wasn’t asked to do.

Then Eru called us all over the the Edge of the Void. I was afraid the big guy was going to do something rash, like throw Melkor into the Void or something. I have to admit, I was kind of hiding behind Huan at that point — I was one of the instigators of the trouble, after all.

But Eru gestured into the Void, and called out “Behold your Music!”

Then a world appeared. An entire freakin’ world!

It was absolutely amazing. All the colors — color had never even existed before! And sound — no, the Music of the Ainur is not “sound,” what would the sound travel through? Air doesn’t exist! The sounds of the world were mesmerizing. And the smells, and the feelings — the heat and cold and the wind.

There is never ANYTHING this cool in the Heavenly Spheres, ever. Who wants to spend eternity praising Eru and singing songs, when we could go down into all that beauty?

I looked at Melkor, and could tell he was thinking the exact same thing.

Eru says, “This is your minstrelsy,” which is Eru’s two-dollar word for “singing,” “and each of you shall find contained herein, amid the design that I set before you, all those things which it may seem that he himself devised or added.”

And He turns to Melkor and says, “And thou, Melkor, wilt discover all the secret thoughts of thy mind, and wilt perceive that they are but a part of the whole and tributary to its glory.”

Yeah sure, Eru. It’s ALL you. What an egomaniac.

Then Eru waved His hand, and the Vision was gone! A bunch of us yelled out in dismay! Turns out Eru was just showing us what COULD be.

Great joke, Eru. You’re a real peach. Show me something that finally gives meaning to my otherwise pointless existence, and then just take it away.

I’m beginning to think we need to do something about this guy.