Posts Tagged ‘Ainulindalë’

#20: The Valar Are A Bunch Of Meat Monkeys

Jun
12

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: amused

To summarize: Melkor and I got in trouble for making better music than Eru, the so-called “One.” (I have “one” asshole, that doesn’t make it special.) So Eru created a world out of our song, and let us go down to live in it. But He also sent along a bunch of useless Ainur, the so-called “Valar,” who’ve done nothing but get in our way. Now their leader Manwë , a.k.a. The Dickless Prick, has driven Melkor and me into the far north of Arda, and set about ruining everything we’ve accomplished.

The time is coming soon when Melkor will gather all the loyal fire and darkness spirits, and we will attack, driving the filthy Valar from this world. Let them sit in the Outer Dark, cold and alone. Especially Melian, that whore.

Melkor has tasked me with keeping an eye on the accursed Valar. He gives me all the important jobs because honestly, who else is he going to rely on? Ungoliant? She ran off soon after we redeployed to the north, and hasn’t been seen since. Glaurung? He’s not too bright, and anyway, Melkor has some special project for him. Gothmog? He sits in the lava pits, playing with his whips. Cripes, why did we bring any of these losers along with us?

So anyway, I’ve been snooping around invisibly, watching the Valar and Maiar as they foul up everything in Arda — “oceans” and “clouds” and “forests” and all that crap.

But here’s the most astonishing thing. And I’m not kidding — I couldn’t have made this up. The Valar and Maiar have clothed themselves in flesh, and taken the form of… primates. That’s right, Eru-damned monkeys! They’re walking around like two-legged meat sausages, eating and drinking an excreting and sweating.

It’s ridiculous! We’re frikkin’ gods, fer crissakes! Apparently, the accursed “Children of Ilúvatar” are going to be primates. Seriously! So Manwë and his brown-nosers have decided to dress up like “Elves,” and prance around in silly skin costumes. I gotta tell ya, I reported this to Melkor, and he was so surprised his iron crown fell off! We had a good, really long laugh about it.

It wasn’t so funny, though, ’cause when I was sneaking around, I saw Melian. Her Elven form is particularly… shapely, I must say. I mean, looking at her, I could see what all the fuss is about.

Stupid bitch.

Anyway, the rest of us are going to have to consider adopting fleshly forms, just to deny the Valar any advantage. One more thing to worry about.

But if anyone thinks I’m gonna start using a toilet, they have another thing coming.

#13: Eru’s Second Great Bait-and-Switch

Sep
8

Date: Before the Sun and Moon
My Mood Is: aggravated

Sorry I haven’t posted in a little while, things have been very hectic here in Arda. And I am NOT happy.

The Vision of the Ainulindalë showed us a world vast in time and space. Well, that’s not what we got. Eä itself is finite in scope, with beginning and end, and so seems tiny and cramped compared to the Infinite Realms of the Timeless Halls of Ilúvatar.

But we don’t GET to live in Eä. Oh no. Surprising, isn’t it, since Eru never told us anything of the kind before we committed to this?

No, we Ainur are confined to Arda, a tiny sphere in the center of Eä. The whole damn thing’s only a few tens of thousands of miles across. And outside of it, all is Dark and Void.

So, in all the infinite and immeasurable vastness of spacetime, we, the Ainur, the First and True Children of Ilúvatar, greatest of all beings save One, must slum around on a tiny planet surrounded by walls of firmament.

This sucks balls.

Well, you might say, at least you get to rule over Arda, right? A world of light and life and fire and ice? Filled with delicious animals and servile mortals, right?

No. Arda is filled with Dark and Void, as well.

You see, Eru showed us a preview of the World, but He didn’t bother to actually create it. WE have to create it. Molecule by molecule, stone by stone.

Something He also failed to mention.

There’s one more thing He forgot to tell us, and even more than our virtual imprisonment, and the long hard labor before us, this irks the hell out of me.

You see, when we Ainur arrived, “first” of all beings to dwell in Arda — there was already somebody here.

#12: Welcome To The World, Now Can I Go Home?

Aug
31

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: drained

Well, I am writing this from within the World of Arda. I suppose I should be thrilled — instead I am tired and confused.

I would say about a third of the Hosts of the Ainur volunteered to enter Eä, the World That Is. Most wanted to go; but some went out of service or friendship to someone else. Huan made a big deal out of the fact he was coming for my sake. I mean, I’m glad, but I didn’t ask him to come. I don’t need him. Truthfully, he’s really not on my level. I plan to make new friends in Arda.

Lots and lots of Ainur went because Melkor was going. Most of the fire spirits, a whole bunch of darkness spirits, and many spirits of craft like myself. But lots of air, earth, and water spirits too.

Especially water spirits. Ulmo is their leader — I guess he’s a friend of that stupid air spirit, Manwë. But Ossë came too, and he’s pretty cool, in small doses.

Who else went? Melian. I’ve always had a crush on her — she is smoking hot. She’s with the forest spirits, who I think went into Arda just so they could find out what the hell a “forest” is. Oh Eru, and speaking of women — just as we were preparing to enter the World, Ungoliant came slithering up. You should have seen the look on Melkor’s face — he was definitely hoping to ditch her.

And Manwë tried to give a speech before we descended. What a despicable prick. But Melkor just cut him off. There’s no love lost there.

Melkor was the first to descend, of course. He didn’t even look back at Eru. We’re not going to be needing Him anymore.

And guess who was second? Manwë tried to cut in front of me, but I just stomped on his instep and jumped ahead. After Melkor, I, Sauron, was first into the World of Arda.

It was horrible.

As I passed from the immaterial and incorporeal to the material and corporeal, I felt myself stretched beyond breaking, and yet crushed into nothing, as wide as the World and yet small as a speck of dust. I felt myself forced through an impenetrable barrier, my very being fractured and demolished, then reassembled and made whole.

The pain was unbearable.

When I came to my senses, I found myself in a tiny realm of unbearable cold and total darkness. At first I panicked, certain that something had gone wrong. Was it all a trick? Had Eru fashioned a prison for all who denied Him, who desired time and contingency and sensation over an eternity of singing praises?

Then I heard Melkor calling my name, followed soon by the mingled shouts and protestations of the other Ainur.

We had arrived, passing into Eä, the World That Is, and at its center, Arda, the World of the Vision of the Ainulindalë.

So far, it really sucks.

#8: Manwë Is Such a Dick

Aug
23

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: dejected

So all anybody can talk about now is The World that Eru showed us. I’ll bet if we had the Flame Imperishable, we could create the World without Eru. Maybe I should go out to the Void and look for it — but if Melkor had no luck, what chance do I have?

Speaking of Melkor, I think he’s avoiding me. I haven’t spoken to him since Eru called him out after the big concert. I think he’s genuinely ashamed, and wants to regain his position as Eru’s favorite. I guess I can’t blame him — he’s been Ilúvatar’s best buddy since forever. But is this the end of our plan to get Eru to adopt our changes?

Everyone who sang with Melkor is laying pretty low right now; and Aulë, that fat fuck, is all over me like ugly on an Orc. Whatever an “Orc” is. He seems to think I embarrassed him during the concert. Now he has me working all the time, to “keep me out of trouble.”

Screw him. Screw him right in the ear.

Oh, and Manwë! Did I mention him before? Some pissant little air spirit who showed up to our meeting? He was one of the loudest singing for Melkor during the concert.

Well, now he’s all over the place, talking about how VERY SORRY he is, and how Melkor led him astray, and he’ll never defy Eru again. Dammit, he pisses me off so much!

First of all, we didn’t defy Eru. We did exactly what Eru asked: we adorned His music with our “own thoughts and devices.”

Second, Melkor did not mislead anyone. We all knew what we were doing. And you don’t see Gothmog or any of the fire spirits going around apologizing.

And now Manwë, this whiny little loser, is trying to pass himself off as so pious and so repentant. Ugh, I could kill him.

Whatever killing is.

#7: Eru’s Big Joke

Aug
22

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: grousing

Alright, let me finish my story. So Eru embarassed Melkor, which just seemed gratuitous and unnecessary to me. Melkor didn’t do anything he wasn’t asked to do.

Then Eru called us all over the the Edge of the Void. I was afraid the big guy was going to do something rash, like throw Melkor into the Void or something. I have to admit, I was kind of hiding behind Huan at that point — I was one of the instigators of the trouble, after all.

But Eru gestured into the Void, and called out “Behold your Music!”

Then a world appeared. An entire freakin’ world!

It was absolutely amazing. All the colors — color had never even existed before! And sound — no, the Music of the Ainur is not “sound,” what would the sound travel through? Air doesn’t exist! The sounds of the world were mesmerizing. And the smells, and the feelings — the heat and cold and the wind.

There is never ANYTHING this cool in the Heavenly Spheres, ever. Who wants to spend eternity praising Eru and singing songs, when we could go down into all that beauty?

I looked at Melkor, and could tell he was thinking the exact same thing.

Eru says, “This is your minstrelsy,” which is Eru’s two-dollar word for “singing,” “and each of you shall find contained herein, amid the design that I set before you, all those things which it may seem that he himself devised or added.”

And He turns to Melkor and says, “And thou, Melkor, wilt discover all the secret thoughts of thy mind, and wilt perceive that they are but a part of the whole and tributary to its glory.”

Yeah sure, Eru. It’s ALL you. What an egomaniac.

Then Eru waved His hand, and the Vision was gone! A bunch of us yelled out in dismay! Turns out Eru was just showing us what COULD be.

Great joke, Eru. You’re a real peach. Show me something that finally gives meaning to my otherwise pointless existence, and then just take it away.

I’m beginning to think we need to do something about this guy.

#6: Eru’s Arrogance Is Pissing Me Off

Aug
18

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: rueful

Okay, Aulë is off mooning over that bitch Yavanna – I can see to whom she wants to “give her fruits,” if you know what I mean. Anyway, I have time to work on my blog.

So Melkor and I showed Eru how much we could improve on His music, but the Big Guy just went ape-shit. This was after he invited us to improve on his theme – I know I keep harping on that, but what did he expect?

So Eru shuts everyone up, and then summons Melkor to come forward. I would have gone up there too, but Aulë was giving me this murderous look. I am so tired of that stupid lunkhead. I have ten times his talent. You know Quantum Chromodynamics? That was ALL ME.

Anyway, Melkor goes up before Eru, and I must say he looked pretty nervous. I was afraid Ilúvatar was going to punish Melkor in some really drastic way – uncreate him or something. It had never occurred to me before that Eru held such dreadful power over us.

I don’t like it.

Eru says, “Mighty are the Ainur, and mightiest among them is Melkor.”

That’s an encouraging start, I thought.

Then Eru went into spin control. Seems He has decided to take the music we all created – Eru’s theme and Melkor’s – and use it as a kind of blueprint to build a world in the Void!

So let me get this straight – He’s mad because we wrecked his song, but He’s going to use that song to create the Universe?

“And thou, Melkor, shalt see that no theme may be played that hath not its uttermost source in me,” He says, “nor can any alter the music in My despite. For he that attempteth this shall prove but Mine instrument in the devising of things more wonderful, which he himself hath not imagined.”

Let me translate that for you. “Thou, Melkor, have embarrassed Me by writing a better song. But everything you do is really all Me anyway. So suck it.”

Eru is being an arrogant prick. I know, I shouldn’t say things like that. But c’mon, I’m right, aren’t I?

I gotta say, Melkor did not look happy. But he just stood there and bit his tongue. Whatever a tongue is.

Oh, crap! Here comes Aulë. I’ll finish later.

#5: Oh Crap, We’re In Trouble Now

Aug
17

Date: Before the Beginning of Time
My Mood Is: scared shitless

A lot happened today, so I’ll try to be brief.

Eru Ilúvatar summoned all the Ainur to a great conclave in the Empyrean Realm. We assumed it was going to be something really important; maybe Eru would show us the Flame Imperishable, or maybe he would tell us why we had been created.

But no. It was just more singing.

Eru wrote a new song; a “mighty theme,” He called it. A theme for what? I wanted to know. But He passed out the sheet music, and we all assembled into choirs, and prepared to sing.

Then Eru told us, “ye shall show forth your powers in adorning this theme, each with his own thoughts and devices, if he will.” Finally, a chance to do our own work, and create something, instead of just praising Eru all the time! I mean sure, Eru is praiseworthy, don’t get me wrong. But all the praising gets a bit tiresome after a while. To everyone except Eru, apparently.

Now Melkor saw this as the perfect chance to make his move, and present our new ideas to Eru. He told me to stay over with Aulë’s group, with the earth spirits; but to watch Melkor and follow his lead.

I was very excited.

So Eru starts singing, and everyone joined in. The music was okay, I guess; a bunch of soft, interwoven harmonies. Kind of flat and boring. But pretty! Very pretty.

After a while, something amazing happened. Melkor was singing a different song! I didn’t even notice at first, because Aulë is SO FRICKIN’ LOUD. Many of the Ainur close to Melkor were confused. After all, no one had tried this before.

But Eru TOLD us to “adorn the theme,” right? Those were His exact words!

So I listened carefully to Melkor’s theme, and then joined in. It was very cool, kind of low and percussive, but much faster and less ponderous than Eru’s. I liked it a lot.

Huan was gaping at me, waving his arms around to get me to stop. But I didn’t care. And soon, more Ainur joined in – lots of the people at the meeting, and most of the fire spirits, even the ones who weren’t part of our conspiracy. That Manwë guy was really loud, trying to keep up with Melkor, and compensating for his lack of singing talent with sheer volume.

But overall, the effect was great. Melkor’s new theme provided a percussive backing for Eru’s theme, and together, the music was really much improved.

Eru smiled – an excellent sign – raised his left hand, and changed his theme, making it more like Melkor’s. Terrific! Eru liked our work! So Melkor started on a new piece, with lots of deep bass notes and low strings and interwoven percussive noises. Those of us following Melkor hearkened to it, and joined in. And pretty soon, the song had changed again, and become a melding of the minds of Eru and Melkor.

Now I guess around this time Eru started to get pissed. I didn’t notice, I was too busy singing. What he was pissed about, I had no idea. But Eru changed his theme again, making it very soft and weak, no match for Melkor’s mighty singing. Following Melkor’s lead, we really just started rocking out. I’d say by that point, more than half the Ainur were following Melkor, and while the others were meekly chanting along with Eru, we were really belting it out. It was fantastic!

Suddenly, this enormous noise drowned out everything! I thought the heavenly spheres were collapsing! But it was just Eru, playing the omnipotence card. We all shut up right quick, and a good thing too.

Eru was really, really angry. We’d never seen him like that before. I mean, just LIVID. And I gotta tell you, I almost crapped my pants.

Whatever pants are.

I gotta go; I’m on the clock, and Aulë’s giving me the evil eye. I’ll finish the story as soon as I can.