The Compleat Tweets of Sauron

This archive of the @Sauron’sBlog Twitter feed was last updated on: 3/31/10

Arwen Evenstar a virgin? She’s 3,000 years old! That’s 1,095,000 late nights of Elven wine & “magic wands.” #lotr #lordoftherings #innuendo 1:15 PM Mar 31

The Eye had Easterling cuisine for lunch — already hungry again. #lotr #lordoftherings #tiredethnichumor 4:27 PM Mar 30

Of course they turn back into stone – they’re Stone Trolls. My advice – avoid the Menses Trolls. Ewww. #lotr #lordoftherings #monthlyvisitor 2:15 Mar 30

This http://tinyurl.com/ykahp2s is what The Eye watches all day. Never gets old. #lotr #lordoftherings #vulcanology 12:15 PM Mar 30th

Ever have to unplug a mûmak’s colon? Yuck. Now covered up to the elbow in woolly mammoth crap. Deathyderms might not be worth the trouble. 3:26 PM Mar 29th

The blond-haired blue-eyed Men follow the Valar; the People of Color follow me. So who supports #diversity? #lotr #lordoftherings #racism 3:10 PM Mar 29th

A guy sticks a bearskin rug on his head and stomps around at night roaring, and that idiot Gandalf thinks he’s a shapeshifter. #hobbit #lotr 11:12 AM Mar 29th

Perfectly good hardwood floor, now ruined with burn marks. Why? Balrog droppings. #lotr #lordoftherings #fierypoo #asbestoslitterbox 12:31 PM Mar 26th

Changed my armor for the first time in 812 years today. Turns out those foul vapors were just my underwear. #lotr #lordoftherings 11:45 AM Mar 26th

Awoke this morning to a fresh breeze and bright morning sunlight through my window. Killed the volcano-tender; increased soot output 500%. 9:30 AM Mar 26th

Wait, no, it’s all okay now. Never mind. Whew. 4:04 PM Mar 25th

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2:54 PM Mar 25th

There’s a hobbit. In my volcano. Holding my Ring. Over the lava. While another hobbit tries to eat him. THIS IS BAD. Nazgûl on the way. 2:08 PM Mar 25th

The Eye would like to refute rumors that anything bad happened today. http://tinyurl.com/yesup6j Let’s just say I found my Ring, okay? #lotr 12:49 PM Mar 25th

It’s my birthday! I hope nothing bad happens. I’m gonna keep looking for my ring, while the Mouth deals with some rabble at the Black Gate. 12:26 PM Mar 25th

#ItsReallyAnnoying when your volcano gets clogged. It’s not like they have magma plumbers or volcano sweeps. #lordoftherings #lotr 2:28 PM Mar 24th

Another crappy adaptation: http://tinyurl.com/yee4pmb This one tries to turn the Great Thief into a hero. The Necromancer calls “bullshit!” 12:26 PM Mar 24th

I have other jewelry, you know. Look at this — it’s the One Tie Clip. #lotr #lordoftherings 9:33 AM Mar 24th

What the hell is Bombadil, anyway? http://bit.ly/4L8nom Vala? Maia? Fëa? Some kind of elemental? Do they have foppishness elementals? #lotr 2:19 PM Mar 23rd

RT @Tombombadil3018 Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! – STOP IT! STOP SINGING THAT! STOP STOP STOP! #lotr #lordoftherings #crappysongs 1:50 PM Mar 23rd

Thought about Melian last night. Cried. Had 463,000 Orcs killed. Feel much better. #lotr #lordoftherings #orcicide 1:15 PM Mar 23rd

You know, it was almost the One Cock-Ring. Thankfully, the Eye abandoned that idea. Ouch. #lotr #lordoftherings #nsfw #worksbetterthanviagra 3:06 PM Mar 22nd

Per Texas Ed Board, the Eye will publish a new edition of #LordoftheRings: no Gandalf, no Hobbits, and evil wins. Also: 80 pages long. #lotr 1:45 PM Mar 22nd

Today is the anniversary of the day Beren married Lúthien. Psst — she was already pregnant. Whore. #lotr #lordoftherings #silmarillion 9:51 AM Mar 22nd

The Eye would like to thank all of his Twitter followers. No wait, not “thank” — “enslave, torture and murder.” That’s it. #lotr #ff 2:39 PM Mar 19th

Fan Art of the Day: http://bit.ly/cUUNsG WTF? Is Huan “overpowering” me, or is it something unspeakable? FAIL. #lotr #silmarillion 2:27 PM Mar 19th

Know why they call it “mooning?” Because Tilion is up there right now, in his silvery boat in the sky, with no pants on. Enjoy that image. 1:08 PM Mar 19th

Somebody explain “crebain” to me. Evil crows — with giant talons? Poison beaks? Tentacles? Eye beams? No — just crows. Good work, Saruman! 1:20 PM Mar 18th

Last night I filled Mount Doom with water and glycerol, and made the world’s largest lava lamp. I need to cut back on the pipeweed. #lotr 12:40 PM Mar 18th

LOST: One gold ring, no markings except when heated, variable sized, sentimental value only. $50 reward. See Mr. Mouth, Black Gate, Mordor. 9:28 AM Mar 18th

#mrtweet See my MrTweet page and drop me a recommendation — The Eye commands it! http://mrtweet.com/SauronsBlog?v=gr 3:23 PM Mar 17th

Used my palantír to look into Galadriel’s mirror – she was using it for something called a “Brazilian.” Now The Eye needs eye bleach. #lotr 3:16 PM Mar 17th

Recipe for lembas: flour, water, honey, mallorn acorns, salt, Dwarf flesh. It’s true! If you ask Galadriel, she’ll just deny it. #lotr 12:45 PM Mar 17th

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. But so can the greatest Anthropomorphic Personification of Pure Evil. #lotr 9:55 AM Mar 17th

Fanart of the Day: http://bit.ly/bcz8I0 Complete and total FAIL. What am I, the witch in Hansel & Gretel? #lotr #lordoftherings #cakes 1:20 PM Mar 16th

Sindarin plurals are characterized by i-mutation? How gauche. #lotr #lordoftherings #languages #tolkien #lingustics 12:41 PM Mar 16th

I like the name “Grond.” It has such a great sound — it’s practically onomatopoeic. Grond. Grond grond grond grondity grond. #lotr #tolkien 11:04 AM Mar 16th

If an Ent falls in the woods and there’s no one to hear, does it make a sound? Yes — it screams, and it’s lovely. #lotr #lordoftherings 3:27 PM Mar 15th

I told this guy if he didn’t find my Ring, he’d end up sorry. http://bit.ly/axajT3 And I was right! #lotr #lordoftherings #gollum #tolkien 2:13 PM Mar 15th

Would have been my greatest triumph, if I hadn’t been wearing my Ring OUTSIDE my gauntlet. http://bit.ly/9I13Fb What was I thinking? #lotr 1:55 PM Mar 15th

Elves > Men > Dwarves > Hobbits, each shorter than the last. What’s next, Eru? Smurfs? #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #smurfs 1:20 PM Mar 12th

Saruman didn’t make his Uruk-hai in muddy pods. He just bred my Orcs with captive Rohirrim women. Big deal, anyone could do that. #lotr 12:51 PM Mar 12th

RT @TolkienLibrary Beheaded Vikings found at Olympic site. http://bit.ly/aFWT2Q That was me, my bad. #lotr #lordoftherings #archaeology 11:26 AM Mar 12th

Always ready to redeploy east, if the Valar submerge ANOTHER continent. First Beleriand, then Númenor. Whenever I win, they flood. Babies. 1:53 PM Mar 11th

What is this “Witch-king of Angmar” nonsense? Angmar fell 1,000 years ago. Not something to advertise, dude. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 1:41 PM Mar 11th

Just remembered Ar-Pharazôn still alive, trapped under the earth in Valinor, 3,000 years later, screaming. Heh heh. #silmarillion #lotr 10:15 AM Mar 11th

Learned today that “Shire” is… a land of midgets? In Eriador? I don’t remember THAT from the Ainulindalë! #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 1:29 PM Mar 10th

Not amused. http://xkcd.com/712/ #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #comics #xkcd 10:39 AM Mar 10th

Haven’t heard from Tom, Bert, & Bill in a while — better still be guarding that elf-sword hoard, keeping Glamdring out of the wrong hands. 9:06 AM Mar 10th

Not only did Isildur keep the Ring, he kept the FINGER. What is up with that??? #lotr #lordoftherings #involuntaryamputations #tolkien 2:25 PM Mar 8th

#relationshiprules If you give someone a ring, you own their soul. FOREVER. That includes you, Adûnaphel the Quiet. #lotr #lordoftherings 11:57 AM Mar 8th

Lunch: Broasted Fell Beast, Mordor Potatoes, Orcish Blood Wine. Yuck. Once I invade Gondor, I’ll get some decent food. #lotr #lordoftherings 11:43 AM Mar 8th

Maura Labingi? What kind of an idiotic name is Maura Labingi? http://bit.ly/6yKcct #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #languages #frodo 1:05 PM Mar 5th

I guess if you were stupid enough to accept a Magic Ring in the first place, then you’ll always be an idiot. http://bit.ly/dCW5fi #lotr 12:58 PM Mar 5th

Guess what I found in an old trunk? The Iron Crown of Morgoth! No Silmarils, but it makes a great basketball hoop. #lotr #silmarillion 10:01 AM Mar 5th

Think birds. Think bird droppings. Now think Fell Beasts. Yeah. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 12:42 PM Mar 4th

Grey as a mouse Big as a house Nose like a snake Your bones will break Blood will go splat When I crush you flat Mûmakil am I You will die. 12:16 PM Mar 4th

Celebration of my beloved deathyderms. http://bit.ly/arxph7 Too bad it’s idiotic halfling #poetry. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #mumakil 9:46 AM Mar 4th

#thingsassholesdo Steal your ring, and then throw it into a volcano. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 2:40 PM Mar 3rd

“There was a war of sound more violent… many of the Ainur were dismayed & sang no longer; & Melkor had the mastery.” The good ol’ days. 1:23 PM Mar 3rd

Went to go play piano, forgot I can’t do that any more. Thanks a lot, Isildur! #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #missingfingers 12:30 PM Mar 3rd

Nazgûl tried to invade Rivendell, got slammed by magic river. Showed up sopping wet, horseless. Expect upgrade to Fell Beasts. As if! #lotr 11:38 AM Mar 3rd

Denethor on palantír today. Showed him son’s death. Actually CRIED. LMAO Must find and kill other son, the girly one. #lotr #lordoftherings 1:00 PM Mar 2nd

The Eye has learned you have not yet taken his survey. http://bit.ly/9bgQAy The Eye is not pleased. When The Eye is not pleased, people die. 12:26 PM Mar 2nd

Remember the First Age, when I was a werewolf? Those were the days. Eating mortals; howling; pooping wherever I want. #lotr #lordoftherings 11:54 AM Mar 2nd

Mordor announces “Guns for Rings” Program — Just bring in any ring, any old ring you might find, exchange it for a free gun! #lotr #tolkien 3:01 PM Mar 1st

I see you. #lotr #lordoftherings #Hobbit #tolkien 2:55 PM Mar 1st

The #Hobbit in 3D? http://bit.ly/d6r1o9 Hobbits should be in 2D. Because they’ve been crushed by Mûmakil. #lotr #lordoftherings #deathyderms 1:30 PM Mar 1st

Lipstick, meet pig. http://bit.ly/d2JalD Do not give money to these people. Send it to me as tribute. #lotr #lordoftherings #blu-ray 12:14 PM Feb 26th

@Thor_ I have two eyes. It’s just one has had a stye in it for about 4 million years, and now it’s all fiery and scary. #lotr #tolkien 9:09 AM Feb 26th

Lórien? Mandos? These are places, not people. No one goes around calling me “Mordor.” #lotr #lordoftherings #silmarillion #tolkien 9:07 AM Feb 26th

@amylolagrey Mandos? You mean Námo? That morose douchebag can suck it. #lotr #lordoftherings #clinicaldepression 7:29 PM Feb 25th

It’s really hard to keep your palantíri clean. I used to use Windex, but I recently switched to Sparkle. #lotr #lordoftherings 2:46 PM Feb 25th

@sandyquill It is a palantír, brought to Middle-earth by the accursed Dúnedain from the Uttermost West. And I’m using it to watch YOU! #lotr 11:50 AM Feb 25th

#FanartoftheDay: http://bit.ly/dnvkMG Like the armor. But what happened to my face? I don’t exfoliate with lava. #lordoftherings #lotr 11:44 AM Feb 25th

Of course Mordor has a dental plan. It’s just that the Mouth of Sauron is British. #lotr #lordoftherings 3:25 PM Feb 24th

“If you can’t live without The #LordoftheRings, screw you!” The Eye couldn’t agree more. http://bit.ly/8NGyNY #video #lotr #gervais 2:59 PM Feb 24th

Justify your pathetic existence by serving The Dark Lord, taking this survey. http://bit.ly/9bgQAy The Eye demands it. #lotr #lordoftherings 12:38 PM Feb 24th

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the — oh Eru just kill me now. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 2:25 PM Feb 23rd

RT @tonyscaletta: Tom Bombadil needs to shut the fuck up. – Gets on your nerves too, eh? http://bit.ly/4L8nom #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 2:09 PM Feb 23rd

Elf shit smells like lavender. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #hobbit 2:04 PM Feb 23rd

Is Gollum crazy? http://bit.ly/aSyyaU Batcrap crazy. “My Precious, my Precious!” Guess what, you lunatic — it’s MY Precious!!! #lotr 2:38 PM Feb 22nd

Working on REAL bio: “Lord of Gifts: How Sauron, the Rightful Lord of the Earth, was Betrayed by Thieves & Wizards.” Also, a cookbook. #lotr 1:50 PM Feb 22nd

RT @tolkienguide Why #Tolkien couldn’t finish The #Silmarillion http://bit.ly/bNvGf1 A book of Elvish lies! My unauthorized bio! Boycott it! 1:03 PM Feb 22nd

#imnotattractedto women who take the form of giant, bloated spiders. That means you, Ungoliant! Stop IM’ing me! #lotr #lordoftherings 12:58 PM Feb 22nd

I seek a ring, the least of rings, a trifle that I fancy. Find me this ring, and you will be richly rewarded. The Eye commands it! #lotr 2:23 PM Feb 19th

Balrog wings, Dwarf women, #Hobbit genitalia, masculine Elves. #thingsthatdontexist #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 1:45 PM Feb 19th

#Twilight #werewolves? The #wolfman? http://bit.ly/cfNkKZ The only true #werewolf is Sauron, Lord of Werewolves. I will consume you whole! 1:42 PM Feb 19th

Eagle meat. Stuck in teeth. #lotr #lordoftherings #eagles #food 4:43 PM Feb 18th

Getting some proper obeisance from the Easterlings. I hope. The Eye does not understand the little pictures. 11:58 AM Feb 18th

Túrin Turambar: Not cursed, not tragic, not Oedipal. Just a dick. http://bit.ly/d0Gu8e #silmarillion #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 10:42 AM Feb 18th

Q: What happened to the Entwives? The Eyes says: It wasn’t me! My theory — think Ent-sex. Think splinters. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 12:24 PM Feb 17th

Q: Why are there no female Dwarves? The Eye says: They tasted better. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 12:21 PM Feb 17th

Cosmetics for Dwarves? http://goo.gl/fb/UHDg Cologne for Orcs? It’s all worthless. Oh, how I wish cologne for Orcs weren’t worthless. #lotr 12:19 PM Feb17th

Volcanoes are a natural source of renewable energy. And the clouds of ash obscure the accursed Sun. Plus, you can throw people into them. 3:51 PM Feb 16th

It’s not that I don’t like trees — the lava has to have something to burn! #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 3:49 PM Feb 16th

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — lava improves any landscape. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 3:48 PM Feb 16th

#LOTR v. #Avatar? Sexy smurfs more likely than MY defeat by a rabble of morons and midgets. The Eye votes for Avatar. http://bit.ly/cdkqJv 9:13 AM Feb 16th

@Saruman Let’s join up. You and me, ruling Middle-earth together. We can kill #Gandalf, destroy the Dúnedain. We can’t fail. Trust me. #lotr 10:33 AM Feb 12th

@Celebrimbor They’re called “magic rings,” and they’re easy to make. They’ll help you recreate Valinor in Middle-earth. Trust me. #lotr 10:30 AM Feb 12th

@Ar-Pharazôn Seriously, you can conquer Valinor. It’ll be easy! Then you can live forever! Trust me. #silmarillion #lotr #lordoftherings 10:28 AM Feb 12th

Return my Ring, and no one has to die. They WILL die — but they won’t HAVE to. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 4:21 PM Feb 11th

A “Festival in the Shire?” http://bit.ly/cxuT7Q I have an idea — a Holocaust in the Shire. Burn everything, sift the ashes to find my RING! 4:19 PM Feb 11th

@Melian #WhyWeBrokeUp Because you sided with Manwë against Melkor and me. Bitch. http://bit.ly/9cE0Um #Silmarillion #lotr #lordoftherings 4:13 PM Feb 11th

Bombadil? A Vala? http://bit.ly/a4zjpl BWA HA HA HA! If I don’t qualify as a Vala, certainly Bombadil doesn’t. He’s a prancing idiot. #lotr 9:10 AM Feb 11th

RT @TolkienLibrary How Elrond Fits In The #Hobbit http://bit.ly/9eCeo5 The answer is that Elrond is poorly endowed. #lotr #lordoftherings 3:57 PM Feb 10th

Need to invent a new word: “Northrons.” http://bit.ly/aosvlb Now to enslave them. #lotr #lordoftherings #science #anthropology 3:22 PM Feb 10th

“That is a small price for so great a treachery. So shall it surely be.” Replaying my greatest hits. #silmarillion #lotr #lordoftherings 3:19 PM Feb 10th

Hobbit tea? http://bit.ly/9seOJw Interesting idea. Boiling a #hobbit right now to see how it tastes. #lotr #lordoftherings 3:15 PM Feb 10th

@kalinara Why didn’t they just fly an Eagle here? Because I WOULD HAVE SHOT THEM DOWN. #lordoftherings Nazgûl aren’t completely worthless! 2:16 PM Feb 10th

Don’t kill people because you hate them. Kill them because they’re alive. #lotr #lordoftherings #Tolkien #evil 2:39 PM Feb 9th

There is no life in the void. Only death. #lotr #lordoftherings 2:12 PM Feb 9th

#4wordsonobamashand I worship The Eye. 2:08 PM Feb 9th

@Rach_Preston Hobbit’s only edible without the feet – too hairy and tough. Also, you need a half-dozen Hobbits just to make an appetizer. 2:06 PM Feb 9th

Nobody tosses a Dwarf? I toss them — in a light vinaigrette, to mask the lousy aftertaste. #lotr #lordoftherings 1:26 PM Feb 9th

My first nine followers received magic rings. The next 91 will get this exclusive “WWSD” keychain. #lotr #lordoftherings #wwsd 3:47 PM Feb 8th

@Longasc is my 100th follower. The Eye has already slain him cruelly, as a warning to others who would expect favors from the Dark Lord. 3:45 PM Feb 8th

The Eye has 98 followers. Become my 100th follower, and when Melkor returns from the Outer Dark you will be the last to die. Promise. #lotr 2:49 PM Feb 8th

Just snoozing, enjoying another Mordor winter, throwing a few Ents on the fire. The screaming relaxes me. #lotr #lordoftherings 2:48 PM Feb 8th

Note to Hugo Weaving: I knew Elrond, and you need to play him weirder and gayer. Like this guy: http://bit.ly/agxaDZ #lotr #hobbit 2:43 PM Feb 8th

What do I want to see at #BlizzCon? http://bit.ly/bEmpVg An apology to this guy http://bit.ly/9gb6hR about this guy http://bit.ly/9uN9vK 2:40 PM Feb 8th

So what if Gollum had MPD? Did it ever occur to you that Frodo was hallucinating “Sam,” and everyone else just went with it? #lordoftherings 3:46 PM Feb 5th

Actually, #Hobbits smell all over. Stink of boiled cabbage and ashtrays. And they taste worse than Dwarf! #lotr #lordoftherings 1:32 PM Feb 5th

RT @Ecanohmic: One thing I don’t like about #lordoftherings is the #hobbits feet, seriously they are nasty – The Eye sez try smelling them! 1:31 PM Feb 5th

#itkillsme when you throw my Ring in lava. Don’t do that. #lotr #lordoftherings 1:00 PM Feb 5th

FIND MY RING! #findsauronsring #findsauronsring #findsauronsring #findsauronsring #findsauronsring 12:10 PM Feb 5th

Never trust #pirates. http://bit.ly/94mDhk Corsairs got their asses kicked by a bunch of dead guys. Useless. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 12:05 PM Feb 5th

Shire. Baggins. 1:15 PM Feb 4th

Kill people for being #gay? http://bit.ly/9F3Phl Since when do you need a reason to kill people? #lotr #lordoftherings #news 1:13 PM Feb 4th

Who the hell is Olórin? And why should I care? http://bit.ly/ckcrw6 #lotr #lordoftherings #gandalf 1:10 PM Feb 4th

Never, EVER call me “Tevildo, Lord of Cats.” That’s from a time I don’t like to discuss. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #cats 5:30 PM Feb 3rd

#haiku The One Ring is mine. / Shire? Baggins? Where is that? / FIND ME MY ONE RING!!!! #lotr #lordoftherings 5:28 PM Feb 3rd

#celebritypassword SAURON: findmyring3019 5:26 PM Feb 3rd

#2wordsforvday — FIND RING. Also, WORSHIP ME. And finally, SHIRE BAGGINS. Now FIND RING! #lotr #lordoftherings 2:55 PM Feb 3rd

#Lost? What’s this about Lost? I’ll tell you what’s lost — MY RING!!! Find my ring! The Eye commands it! #lotr #lordoftherings 1:25 PM Feb 2nd

Six weeks? The Eye says an Endless Winter is coming. #groundhog #lotr #lordoftherings 10:38 AM Feb 2nd

Took yesterday off. Melkor’s Birthday. Gave Orcs a vacation. BWA HA HA! Just kidding. Orcs never get vacation! #lotr #lordoftherings 9:05 AM Feb 2nd

Yes, Bill Gates, use #vaccines to cause #autism! BWA HA HA! … wait, they don’t? Rats. #lotr #lordoftherings #billgates 1:54 PM Jan 29th

Today in Mordor History: the Great Durthang Sewer Explosion of 2473. Thousands of Orcs drowned in shit. Hilarious! #lotr #lordoftherings 10:10 AM Jan 29th

If you slaughter your prisoners and lob their heads by catapult back at their friends and families, then #idothat2. #lotr #lordoftherings 4:41 PM Jan 28th

#imthetypeto rip your arms off and use you as a doormat. Ask Gorlim. #lotr #lordoftherings #silmarillion #tolkien 4:39 PM Jan 28th

I told Saruman, “cut down ALL the #trees. Especially the talking ones.” But did he listen to The Eye? No. Moron. #lotr #lordoftherings #ents 4:35 PM Jan 28th

Finally, the truth about those terrible movies! http://bit.ly/zArEA Thank you, Howard #Zinn! #howardzinn #lotr #lordoftherings #chomsky 1:54 PM Jan 28th

Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood. And by “Happy Birthday,” The Eye means “drop dead!” #elijahwood #lotr #lordoftherings #birthdays 10:38 AM Jan 28th

Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nagz gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzzum-ishi krimpatul! #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #hobbit 2:39 PM Jan 27th

RT @hobbitnewsblog: #film Orlando Bloom desperate for #Hobbit role http://bit.ly/bNTrjt #OrlandoBloom desperate for #acting coach. #lotr 2:37 PM Jan 27th

Don’t #psychology my s**t, mother****er! http://bit.ly/98iFhd #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 2:36 PM Jan 27th

The #iPad? Pshaw! Who would tie their entire existence to one small object that can easily get lost or stolen? #lotr #lordoftherings #apple 9:44 AM Jan 27th

#Hobbit hole + Elven flet = stupid. http://bit.ly/4u6Kk5 #lotr #lordoftherings #home #architecture #design 8:58 AM Jan 27th

Yes! If you stop feeding children, they die. SO STOP FEEDING THEM! This guy gets it. http://bit.ly/8F6EFo #lotr #lordoftherings #andrewbauer 2:40 PM Jan 26th

Oh Daddy! Let’s be mean to Dwarves! I’m so pretty! I surf on my shield! #thehobbit #hobbit #orlandobloom #lotr #lordoftherings 1:42 PM Jan 26th

Gandalf the Grey? More like Gandalf the GAY! http://bit.ly/bpH3Od Doesn’t this a-hole have another outfit? #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 9:04 AM Jan 26th

I never knew about this! http://bit.ly/dCW5fi Khamûl, I am going to eviscerate you! #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 9:00 AM Jan 26th

#letsbehonest #Evil always wins. Every time. So why fight it? NOW FIND MY RING. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 4:45 PM Jan 25th

Wearing Black Armor in a Black Tower in the Black Land of Mordor #doesntmeanyourblack. And shouldn’t that be #doesntmeanyoureblack? #lotr 4:41 PM Jan 25th

Furious that Orcs can’t get into Lothlórien. No walls, no fortifications, just TREES. It’s always trees, isn’t it? #lotr #lordoftherings 3:56 PM Jan 25th

NEVER brake for #hobbits & #elves. SPEED UP. Strike as many as you can. The Eye Commands it. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 3:53 PM Jan 25th

Ha ha. Bombadil gets PWNED! http://bit.ly/6TP364 #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #thehobbit #tolkien 10:37 AM Jan 25th

This “Flaming Eye” thing has worked out great. Remember Morgoth’s “Fiery Crotch?” What a disaster. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #vd 12:42 PM Jan 22nd

Oh no, I’m not a burglar. Wizards & Dwarves show up at my door to hire a burglar, and I steal things right and left – but I’m not a burglar! 11:17 AM Jan 22nd

#SupremeCourt: excellent work. As promised, gifts of wealth & slave women forthcoming. And you will each get a very special gold ring. #lotr 9:39 AM Jan 22nd

Speaking of The #Silmarillion – UNAUTHORIZED. My authorized #biography is here: http://bit.ly/5p1F6J Melkor and I suing Houghton Mifflin. 4:00 PM Jan 21st

@SauronTheMaia I used to say “thou” and “thine” and “thee,” all that Silmarillion BS. But it really eats into your 140 characters.#lotr 3:58 PM Jan 21st

Now seeking #copyright on the word “deathyderm.” Or is it a #trademark? #law #lotr #oliphaunt #mûmakil 1:58 PM Jan 21st

All of the death and destruction in the world really makes me stop & think, that I’m not doing enough to cause it. #affirmation #motivation 1:56 PM Jan 21s

I know how to make #Hobbit #Tea. First, boil a Hobbit… http://bit.ly/4I1oSc #lotr #lordoftherings #thehobbit 5:28 PM Jan 20th

Thought I had caught #Gollum — turns out it was just #Dobby. Dammit. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #tolkien #harrypotter #rowling 3:09 PM Jan 20th

The first thing the King of the Variags said was “I will not send you 50,000 men.” The last thing he said was “wait, don’t behead me!” #lotr 3:05 PM Jan 20th

I’m really worried about all these Ents. Wait — no I’m not. Because I know how to light a match. #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #tolkien 3:01 PM Jan 20th

RT @WillGeekForFood Bill Gates Joins Twitter http://bit.ly/6538Ro My rival in evil — always one step behind me. #geek #billgates #microsoft 2:49 PM Jan 19th

And tell that effeminate wood-elf to stop surfing on my deathyderms! #lotr #lordoftherings #orlandobloom 2:14 PM Jan 19th

I don’t call them “Oliphaunts” or “Mûmakil.” I call them “Deathyderms.” http://bit.ly/5MdfQ9 #elephants #lotr #lordoftherings 2:13 PM Jan 19th

#Maguire is NOT the Liar. http://bit.ly/6UDXJy Everything these people say is a LIE. It’s almost admirable. #hobbit #thehobbit #tobeymaguire 12:25 PM Jan 19th

Tobey #Maguire to play Thief in new movie. http://bit.ly/7P9erk Will send 9 friends to congratulate him… #tobeymaguire #hobbit #thehobbit 2:32 PM Jan 18th

These idiots. http://bit.ly/4IYZrS My “greatest servants,” and they can’t pry a RING out of a MIDGET. #lordoftherings #lotr #collectibles 1:33 PM Jan 18th

Human blood as a fuel source. Must look into this. http://bit.ly/NSwu #lordoftherings #lotr #hobbit #science #tech 1:30 PM Jan 18th

I mean, at least it should be called The Dragon. The Dumbass Dragon with Faulty Armor Who Gets His Punk Ass Killed. #hobbit. #thehobbit 3:26 PM Jan 15th

I call it The Necromancer #movie because it’s really about ME. Not that stupid #Hobbit. #thehobbit #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 3:24 PM Jan 15th

You won’t have to wear dumbass glasses to watch The Necromancer movie. http://bit.ly/5rYt1t #hobbit #thehobbit #lotr #lordoftherings #3D 3:23 PM Jan 15th

Making the unreadable more unreadable: The Book of Elven Lies in #Latin. http://bit.ly/689Yxe #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #hobbit 3:20 PM Jan 15th

#FanArt of the Day: http://bit.ly/5CvIvF Why is there a #dragon on my shoulder? Is it humping me? #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #tolkien 10:47 AM Jan 15th

They pushed the #doomsday clock *back*??? What am I doing wrong? http://bit.ly/7Gm4tB #doomsdayclock #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 11:22 AM Jan 14th

Best #poem I ever wrote. http://www.sauronsblog.com/?p=226 Should have gone into #songwriting. #lotr #lordoftherings #silmarillion #poetry 11:16 AM Jan 14th

He’s SA-RU-MAN. I’m SAU-RON. How can you get us confused? He’s an old guy, I’m a flaming eye. Also, he’s an #idiot. #lotr #lordoftherings 11:13 AM Jan 14th

On #PatRobertson saying #Haiti deserved an #earthquake: even an Anthropomorphic Representational of Evil like myself can’t get behind that. 9:23 AM Jan 14th

Lord Sauron is with #Coco. http://bit.ly/5bHvEb #conan #lotr #lordoftherings #leno #jayleno 3:44 PM Jan 13th

That’s right, I’m on my way. Now’s the time to get right with me – FIND MY RING. http://bit.ly/7Hwpxc #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #tolkien 2:25 PM Jan 13th

If #Haiti had signed a pact with ME, there would have been no #earthquake. Well, maybe – I’m capricious. #patrobertson #lotr #lordoftherings 2:18 PM Jan 13th

“Lord of the Wings???” This guy has my Ring! How do I keep missing him? http://bit.ly/57lwml #elijahwood #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 6:07 PM Jan 12th

They need someone to be intolerably cruel to innocent people? Hello, I’m right here! http://bit.ly/5QN4BB #americanidol #SimonCowell #lotr 6:04 PM Jan 12th

“A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.” Um… a dead Elf skull? Elf brain is yummy. #tolkien #hobbit #lotr 6:00 PM Jan 12th

Don’t be ridiculous. No one compares to me! http://bit.ly/8K2akY #sauron #videogames #rockstargames #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 5:58 PM Jan 12th

And speaking of #racism — I never hesitated to employ Southrons. Can’t say that about the “Men of the West.” #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 3:10 PM Jan 11th

No, *I’m* blacker than #Obama. http://bit.ly/7fRYNF #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #blagojevich 3:08 PM Jan 11th

The fellow has it exactly right. Except His name is “Eru.” http://bit.ly/L5RFm #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit #technology #tech #video 3:29 PM Jan 10th

The Periodic Table of Middle-earth Elements. http://bit.ly/7WFrGg The only element you need to worry about is gold – MY GOLD RING! FIND IT! 1:40 AM Jan 9th

Fan art of the day: http://bit.ly/4zCnhL I’m not that tall. And a pentacle? On my crotch??? #tolkien #lotr #hobbit #fanart #lordoftherings 2:35 PM Jan 7th

Why is it called “The #Hobbit?” HE doesn’t kill the dragon. HE doesn’t fight in the battle. All HE does is steal MY Ring!!! #thehobbit #lotr 2:16 PM Jan 7th

@MichaelSteele tells his opponents to “shut up.” Wait, that works? Hey #Gandalf — shut up!!! #gop #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 9:25 AM Jan 7th

The Eye demands to know: How should the new “The Hobbit” movie end? http://poll.fm/1h4qh #lotr #lordoftherings #hobbit 2:29 PM Jan 6th

This #TigerWoods person should worship Melkor, Lord of Darkness. Then he could shtup whomever he wanted, guilt free! http://bit.ly/7vz5fY 1:33 PM Jan 6th

Actually, I think transferring all my vast magical power into a single gold ring is an EXCELLENT idea. Why? #lotr #lordoftherings #fantasy 1:25 PM Jan 6th

I hate Hobbits. I hate Elves. And Dwarves. I also hate the Dúnedain. All Men, to be honest. And Orcs. Oh Eru, do I hate Orcs! #lotr #tolkien 5:13 PM Jan 5th

RT @theoneringnet The site will be back up shortly! … I AM VICTORIOUS! I have felled the spreader of Elvish lies! #lotr #lordoftherings 1:48 PM Jan 5th

Hubble Takes Earliest Snapshot of Infant Universe http://bit.ly/7AXm0b I’m in the lower left corner of the photo, inventing quantum foam. 1:43 PM Jan 5th

Now Saruman’s singing??? http://bit.ly/8mtDgA I guess I fried his brain too much with the palantír! #lotr #lordoftherings #christopherlee 4:25 PM Jan 4th

World’s tallest building? Barad-dûr is 6 feet taller. http://bit.ly/8BZ6Tr #lotr #lordoftherings Dubai as evil as Mordor, though. 3:28 PM Jan 4th

I found my 6th grade class picture! From back in the Timeless Halls! Such good times. http://bit.ly/7yJIAV #lotr #lordoftherings 3:01 PM Jan 4th

Bakshi’s animated version of the Book of Elvish Lies was so awful, even I refuse to use it to torture prisoners. http://bit.ly/5ljvvu #lotr 2:34 PM Jan 4th

Orcs are “bloodthirsty warriors from the” Land of Mordor, not the freakin’ #WorldofWarcraft! http://bit.ly/89gvqU #lotr #lordoftherings 10:02 AM Jan 4th

Here’s a New Year’s resolution — FIND MY RING! The Eye commands it!! http://bit.ly/5RbUzP #lotr #lordoftherings #newyears #tolkien #sauron 5:29 PM Dec 31st, 2009

Again, that Film of Elvish Lies makes a Top 10 list. Was it the surfing Elf? Portraying me as an evil lighthouse? http://bit.ly/5Vt8oe #lotr 10:19 AM Dec 29th, 2009

My plans to kill this Man have failed — but he seems to be starving to death! http://bit.ly/8vMfon #lotr #lordoftherings #peterjackson 9:46 AM Dec 29th, 2009

I do not understand this Yule-tide fuss. Who cares what Arien and Tilion do? When Melkor returns, they’ll both be destroyed. Good riddance. 3:30 PM Dec 25th, 2009

Look, some of my best friends are Balrogs. I assure you, NO WINGS. http://bit.ly/6UEOwX #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #sauron 1:01 PM Dec 24th, 2009

Wings? On Balrogs? http://bit.ly/5O6N0U No way. Like I want to get hit by #Balrog droppings all day long. #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien 10:09 AM Dec 23rd, 2009

Tired of this poseur. http://bit.ly/6aDJLZ Totally stole my shtick. Blowing up a whole planet? What a waste of resources. #starwars #lotr 10:06 AM Dec 23rd, 2009

Lost: One gold Ring, sentimental value only. Last seen near Gladden Fields. Cash reward. See Mouth of Sauron, Morannon; or Bill Ferny, Bree. 3:12 PM Dec 21st, 2009

Work doesn’t “make you free!” It makes you my slave. It’s a privileged to be my slave! http://bit.ly/6yyLef #lotr #lordiftherings #tolkien 11:38 AM Dec 21st, 2009

What an interesting house. http://bit.ly/5HdcbM I think I’ll send some friends to find the owner… #lotr #lordiftherings #tolkien #hobbit 11:35 AM Dec 21st, 2009

Looks like someone has located Armenelos. http://bit.ly/7TlIsi Good news. I left my watch down there. #silmarillion #lotr #lordoftherings 8:55 AM Dec 18th, 2009

Anyone using the name #Sauron must pay me 1000 Gondorian marks or 10 Elf heads. That means you, Houghton Mifflin. http://bit.ly/77aPY1 #lotr 1:08 PM Dec 17th, 2009

BWA HA HA. Satyrs & Santa Claus. As if. If my worst foe were a talking lion, I’d be Lord of Arda by now. http://bit.ly/8MKpoD #lotr #cslewis 9:54 AM Dec 17th, 2009

I fully approve of this devotional idol, which depicts ME kicking ASS. http://bit.ly/6DBegj #lotr #lordoftherings #tolkien #toys #sauron 4:04 PM Dec 16th, 2009

Finally — the real subtext of that Book of Elvish lies. http://bit.ly/8weV7s #tolkien #lordoftherings #humor #gif #aragorn #boromir 10:38 AM Dec 16th, 2009

If I’d had one of these at the Pelennor Fields, things would have gone differently. http://bit.ly/j7vKX #lordoftherings #tolkien #weird 10:18 AM Dec 16th, 2009

Don’t understand this #Copenhagen conference. Foul fumes, fetid pits, sun blocked by smoke — all improvements! #lordoftherings #tolkien 12:32 PM Dec 11th, 2009

I approve of this #tattoo. http://bit.ly/4CuWv3 Far better than a white hand on the face. #lordoftherings #tolkien 4:45 PM Dec 9th, 2009

Oh, I forgot to mention — it killed the artist who created it! Excellent… http://bit.ly/3ggHz #Tolkien #lordoftherings 1:43 PM Dec 9th, 2009

Take a good look at this nightmare of a mare. http://bit.ly/3ggHz I need some of these for my Nazgûl. #Tolkien #lordoftherings 1:42 PM Dec 9th, 2009

It seems there are a number of false Saurons on The Twitter — @lordofmordor, @TheRealSauron, @ImTherealsauron. We are not amused. 4:22 PM Nov 19th, 2009

Eru Ilúvatar has everyone singing again. What’s up with that? I’m bored silly. http://kunochan.com/sauron/?p=3 1:36 PM Nov 19th, 2009