#43: Ow, The Light! My Eyes! Again!!!


Date: January 1st, 1 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: excruciated


Just when you think those filthy, Elf-loving Valar traitors are out of your fur, they pull some ridiculous stunt!

Last night I was overseeing the feeding and brushing of the Orc-spawn, weeding out and gobbling down the weak ones, when Carcharoth came yelping into Angband, complaining about some horrible light in the sky. I went out to take a look.

It seems Aulë, my clueless and talent-free ex-boss, rescued some of the light from one of those idiotic trees, and used it to create a moon. Well, The Moon, because they’re never going to be able to pull this shit again. Some guy Tilion, a Maia of Oromë, was hauling this big, round white piece of junk across the sky — our sky that was so beautiful and black before Varda vomited stars all over it.

Well, Melkor and I were still debating which of us would kill Tilion and which would consume The Moon, denying the world its light forever, when the unthinkable happened.

From the East, a terrible bright burning started to rise from the horizon, which resolved into a bright, white light shifted toward the yellow. The firmament turned blue as this terrible light extinguished The Moon and the stars.

Then a burning ball of fire rose into the sky. It would have been the most beautiful thing in the world, if we had made it, all burning hydrogen and deadly radiation — but its fiery light was poisoned and diluted by the weak, golden radiance saved from the dried out husk of one of those trees.

I could feel its heat on my face even from tens of thousands of miles away. And now the whole world was baking under its merciless calefaction, and all those things that love the night and the dark and fear and teeth, like my beloved wolves, were forced to hide in the rocks and dirt.

Those assholes!

Well, Melkor wasn’t going to put up with this shit. He and I and a hundred Balrogs sped into the sky, and by the time the fiery orb had settled below the horizon in the West, we had caught up to Tilion. He and Melkor fought, while the rest of us assailed the orb — but its cold light burned, and my flesh and fur were seared, and several of the Balrogs were extinguished.

We made a strategic retreat, and Melkor sits on his throne in the Nethermost Pits even as I write, devising ways to eradicate the Moon, and the Sun, as they are calling it.

We found out that Arien steers the Sun through the sky, which has caused a big uproar here in Angband. She was one of the most powerful of the Fire Spirits back in the Timeless Halls (and one of the hottest, too — in both senses of the word).

It’s inconceivable to us that one so worthy would join with the Valar traitors, and assail us with fire, which is our element, not theirs. She’s going to have to be destroyed — unless I can turn her…

Imagine hurling the Sun right smack dab into the center of Valimar, the City of the Valar! How cool would that be?


11 Responses to “#43: Ow, The Light! My Eyes! Again!!!”

  1. […] the latest post, in which Sauron expresses dismay upon the first rising of the Sun and […]

  2. Valaraukar 3 says:

    Sauron, I think the bright lights have hurt your head–Arien rose from Valinor–rose in the West.

    It’s getting turned around and confusing, yeah… but still: she rose in the west.

    “Then Anar arose in glory, and the first dawn of the Sun was like a great fire upon the towers of the Pélori: the clouds of Middle-earth were kindled, and there was heard the sound of many waterfalls. Then indeed Morgoth was dismayed, and he descended into the uttermost depths of Angband, and withdrew his servants, sending forth great reek and dark cloud to hide his land from the Daystar.”

    –“Of the Sun and Moon” (my edition, pg. 111)

    “At the first rising of the Sun the Younger Children of Ilúvatar awoke in the land of Hildórien in the eastward regions of Middle-earth; but the first Sun arose in the West, and the opening eyes of Men turned towards it, and their feet as they wandered over Middle-earth for the most part strayed that way.”

    –“Of Men” (my edition, pg. 115)

    “But as the host of Fingolfin marched into Mithrim the Sun rose flaming in the West; and Fingolfin unfurled his blue and silver banners, and blew his horns, and flowers sprang beneath his marching feet, and the ages of the stars were ended.”

    –“Of the Return of the Noldor” (my edition, pg. 122)

  3. El says:

    I say get heep’s of water and fling it on Arien, as i know fire fall’s water so she would be like “I’m melting” and you’d be like muhaaaaaaaaaaaaa, as for the moon get all of the fire spirts and tell them to blast Tilion with their hottest flames and he’d be like, weeeeeeeee KA-BOOM!!! (Might even kill the Vala) I know this because Tilion tried to touch Arien *Bad shudder* but ended up geting his arm’s all burned and black, hence the black side of the moon, and you could imagine what the balrog’s and other fire spirt’s would do! *insanly evil laugh* any way Balrogs could do it there, awesome, partly because I’m a piromaniac *lights gas fire* and also the flaming bull whip’s *very awesome*

  4. […] Sauron’s Blog has been updated. An excerpt: Well, Morgoth and I were still debating which of us would kill Tilion and which would consume The Moon, denying the world its light forever, when the unthinkable happened. […]

  5. Sauron Gorthaur Sauron Gorthaur says:

    @Valaraukar 3:

    That’s what you get for listening to that Book of Elvish Lies! The whole point of this blog is to refute that stupid book!

    The Sun first rose in the East, not the West. I was there. Were you there? No!

    I’m putting you on my List. Yes, I have a List — all the people who will die slowly when I’m Lord of the Earth. It’s Manwe, then Thingol, then YOU.

  6. Qadgop the Mercotan says:

    If you need some help taking on Tilion, let me know. My zymolosely polydactyl tongue lets me eat neutronium, so I think I could handle him.

    You don’t have any Lensmen in your reality, do you?

  7. Valaraukar 3 says:

    Of course I was there! All the balrogs were there! It’s not my fault if this blog is the only written record we have yet that I could appeal to on our side–and say what you like about the snivelling Elves, they can write a good chronicle.

    But if you’re going to be like this–fine! The balrogs don’t need you, not with Melkor back. Besides, I know of this little cavern kingdom out in the Misty Mountains that some of the Naugrim have going that I could move in on if the sun thing doesn’t resolve itself.

  8. Shrukain the Black says:

    I’ve read the Silmarillion and it is like, WOW, but i must say it goses on about Melkor, Sauron, Gothmog And other Balrog’s, Werewolve’s and other demonic bieng’s, Not Enough Dragon Action!!!

    Before you pant’s all up in a knot, to let you I could kick all of your wimpy asses because i am a 10,000 year old dragon! So you’d all be stuffed, but, lucky for you, I’m trapped in the book, Eragon, fighting along side my evil master, Galbortorix, and with Thorn the Red and Murtargh, Tryng to catch Eragon and Saphira (God she’s Fricking hot!), Saphira is the last female dragon ever, so you could imagen the fight’s between me, Thorn and the other male dragon, though i allways win because i’m the oldest, but the fight’s are all about to get worst since the last egg in egcistance is *Fanfire* a Male! So enough about me (as great as I am) keep writting! very good to her some bad guy action, now i’ve got to permantly dint though’s Raz’ac’s asses for thrying to steal the last egg!

  9. Melkor says:

    I will eventually destroy te Sun and Moon this I swear by my own name.

    Shrukain, weren’t you that spirit who got his ass andled by Ancalagon and fled Arda? I seem to recall that…

  10. Námo says:

    “I will eventually destroy te [sic] Sun and Moon this I swear by my own name.”

    So it is doomed.

  11. sir lafalot says:

    Melkor has spelling errors! :)

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