#78: In Which I Reconsider My Strategy

Apr
4

Date: July 10, 2030 S.A.
My Mood Is: contemplative

Well, here I am in Lugbúrz, looking out over my vast minions and domains, and considering that carbuncle on my ass known as Eriador. It seems I can invade and hold every inch of Middle-earth except the northwest. Every time I conquer the western lands, someone comes sailing over the Sundering Seas and beats me back.

Why do the Valar, and their Eldarin and Númenórean toadies, care so much about Eriador and its inhabitants? Why do they care nothing for the Easterlings and Southrons? Hell, I don’t even bother to post an eastern defense anymore. Nobody’s coming from that direction. It seems that as long as I’m willing to let that ponce Gil-Galad alone, the Valar and the Númenóreans will let me be.

Needless to say, I am not willing to let Gil-Galad alone.

Like I said in  my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot about the good ol’ days in the First Age. You know, when Men were Men, Balrogs were Balrogs, and I was a ravenous giant wolf preying on delicious Noldoran rebels. What went wrong? Why did it have to end?

I’ll tell you. Melkor screwed it all up, and I just made the same mistake.

We always thought our greatest strength, mine and Melkor’s, those of us on the side of RIGHT and JUSTICE and ORDER, was the Armies of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death — our balrogs and trolls and giants and vampires and werewolves and Watchers in the Water. We thought might and force were our greatest tools for victory.

But the War of Wrath proved this wrong. This latest War of the Elves and Me proved it wrong. Might is not our greatest strength — MY greatest strength.

THE RING is my greatest strength. Corruption. Influence. Quiet power. Look at our great successes in the First Age — the fall of the children of Húrin, last Lord of Dor-lómin; the treachery of Maeglin that led to the fall of Gondolin. All of our best work came about because of lies and deceit, not claws and steel.

This needs to be my new tack. Forget armies — for now, anyway. I have 16 greater Magic Rings burning a hole in my front pocket, I might as well get some use out of them. If I can’t pervert the Elves to my service, certainly Men and Dwarves are more… suggestible.

I even have my Eye on a primary target. For the last few centuries, the accursed Númenóreans have been colonizing the western coasts, bringing the lesser men of Middle-earth their corn and wine and architecture and new ways of doing long division. One of these so-called “sea kings” is Er-Murazor, a wealthy Númenórean not overfond of Gil-Galad and that gap-toothed bint Galadriel. My spies tell me he fears death, and seeks a path to eternal life.

Well, El-Murazor, I can give you life everlasting. It’s nothing for Sauron Gorthaur, Lord of the Maiar. Just take this ring, this tiny little ring that the Elves made. Isn’t it pretty? Take it, and live forevermore.

BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh hey, lunch time, gotta go.

 

5 Responses to “#78: In Which I Reconsider My Strategy”

  1. Kelvardil says:

    Lord S! I never doubted you for a second! In fact, I will now give you a list of possible receivers of your rings:

    Khamul, and Easterling Lord
    Ardunaphel, a woman, but whatever
    A magician or two, from I forget where, probably West Eriador
    A greedy ruler from a small kingdom in Rhovanion
    One of those chiefs of the Eotheod, the northern horse-people
    A Harad shiek, I know he’ll hand over his entire kingdom for a grab at eternal life
    Akorahil, a Numenorean general

    As for the dwarves, a king from each house should do it. They’ll do anything for a shiny piece of metal, regardless. Happy Hunting!

  2. Why don’t you take a good long nap. A long, long, long nap and wait for your enemies to destroy themselves with infighting… because they’re idiots… and when you wake up in the future and Middle Earth is no more, come to sunny America, land of the free and home of the brave. (Except everyone’s secretly enslaved and their brave army is perpetually fighting other people’s battles). Seriously, half the population would welcome you and a quarter would be apathetic at best. The remaining quarter would talk about it… endlessly and never get anything done.

    Come on… fresh start? No more Valar? I mean… no one would even know your name, let alone what you’re capable of.

    Alright… my time is limited. I mean, it’s really hard reaching back in time and leaving messages like this.

    So what do you say?

  3. Sambrog says:

    Lol, Dwarves!

    Here, look at the shiney!

    BAHAHAHA!!!

  4. Smaug says:

    I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that crap. Although if I eat someone wearing one of your rings, I’m totally keeping it!

  5. KLO says:

    I wish i had one of those rings. Then everything would be great!

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