#77: %$#@! &%*#!! @#$%!!!

Jan
18

Date: March 25th, 1700 S.A.
My Mood Is: fuck! shit!! damn!!!

Fuck! Shit!! Damn!!! Every time things start to go my way, it all goes to shit! And – of course – on my birthday, too!

I had Middle-earth all tied up — all tied up in a little red ribbon of flame, disease and death — when who shows up? The Númenóreans! Like, hundreds of thousands of the shiny-armored buggers in thousands of shiny ships, pouring over the horizon like shiny lemmings.

And the motherfuckers know how to fight! In just two weeks they’ve pushed my main force out of Lindon and all the way back to mid-Eriador, by the banks of the Baranduin. Now they’re slaughtering my Orcs and Wargs and Trolls and Evil Men, and the river is running red and blue with thick, chunky blood. How can people with such atrocious taste in headgear be such effective warriors?

Assholes! Go back to Westernesse where you belong! Mind your own business!

I’ve tried negotiating with this Ciryatur the Ship-Lord, the admiral sent by the Númenórean emperor to aid his buddy Gil-Galad. And by “negotiating,” I mean “tricking into going home.” But no go. And yet… and yet there’s something to these Númenóreans. Something… corruptible. I wonder if some of these Númenórean princes might like their own domains in Middle-earth, with their own magic rings…

Bwa ha ha. Bwa ha ha ha ha. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh crap! I just lost two deathyderms and six Fell Beasts. This battle sucks — IT SUCKS!!!

You know what I miss? From the First Age? Werewolves! My boyz like Draugluin, and that other fella, what was his name… Carcharoth! Yeah, whatever happened to those guys? They wouldn’t stand still and let a bunch of stupid Sea Kings rip them to shreds in a meadow.

Oh, man. There go the last of my Watchers in the Water. I’m gonna have to retreat again.

Shit! Fuck!! Damn!!!

 

23 Responses to “#77: %$#@! &%*#!! @#$%!!!”

  1. moondog548 says:

    Fuck it dude. Go on sabbatical. Recharge your batteries (whatever those are) and you’ll think of something, I’m sure!

  2. Smaug says:

    Happy Birthday dude!! I got you a wicked pressy!! Hint it’s round!!

  3. Ciryatur The ShipLord says:

    Drinks in Mordor by April!

    Last one to the Morannon is a rotten egg!

  4. Ciryatur The ShipLord says:

    Your defense of Lond Daer was the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said “Oh I’m sick of kicking around the house tonight, let’s go take in a show!”.

  5. Ghost of one of your orcs says:

    The blog is still going! Ah, a reward for regularly checking in. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading about Sauron’s inevitable victory.

  6. Gil-galad says:

    Well well, Sauron, looks like your little plan has utterly failed. Didn’t expect the Númenorians to come to my aid, eh? Better watch out for the next river, there just might be some more ships waiting for you.

    And next time you and your miserable so-called “armies” attempt an invasion in Eriador, try not to walk right through all of my flowerbeds again. This rude behavior just might not end well for you, you could get your fingers cut off by someone unimportant, or something. Better listen to me, for I am radiant and shiny.

  7. Tulkas the Strong says:

    Wahahahahahohohohohohaha! YES! It’s about bloody time.

  8. Ciryatur says:

    You pointy helmed one surrender your arms onto me and I will not rip all your armies to shreds either way you shall die which is it going to be?

  9. Kelvardil says:

    This is just what Morgoth did. He underestimated all his enemies until they handed him his ass. You seemed too smart to make the same mistakes. But I guess you might not be.

  10. SmaugRider says:

    How the hell did this happen? I was sittin there in Umbar tryin to find a herd of somethin for Smaug to eat…… at all of a sudden zillions of these maniacs come runnin up the coast screamin for You my Lord Sauron! So i figure, sure go ahead , he’s rite up and over there in Mordor, and i point em all in the right direction, figurin HEH HEH HEH… go ahead ya stupids go march to yer deaths. But Noooooo!! All the orcs go runnin and everybodys scatterin…….. jeeeeez..

  11. Aule says:

    Mairon ….you have put me to shame …. When we meet again (Eru himself has assured me !!)I am going to brand your ass with molten tilkal traitor!!

  12. Random Easterling says:

    We’re going on strike until we get some of those shiny helmets.

  13. SmaugRider says:

    uh-hem…….. i see lord sauron- thats right, im using small letters- that you havent gotten around to approving my last messege. Fine…… ok….. great.
    Hey…….. didnt you get your ass kicked by a girl and her dog along time ago??
    Heh! no wonder ya cant handle a few maniacs. LOL!!!!!

    P.S. if by any chance you did aprove my last comment, well then i failed to see it in time and i didnt mean any of it…… a joke….. right MY LORD????? jokey jokey jokey……laughin…….. ????

  14. Hapless Númenórean #33419 says:

    All your jewelry are belong to us.

  15. Hwaldar says:

    Looks like some ones asking for a good old fashioned skin flaying.

  16. Ashi says:

    ARG!? Where’d all these big shiney-speared muthafuckas come from?? SAURON WE ARE IN DEEEEEEP SHIIIIII!!!!

  17. KLO says:

    Im no suprised. Didnt you get your ass kicked by a girl and her dog a long time ago??

  18. Kelvardil says:

    Exactly. Ever since then he’s been fighting a losing battle.

  19. Ashi says:

    I am looking forward to your next update, Sauron Lord of the Earth!

  20. Random Easterling says:

    We the Easterlings of somewhere East of Lhun are starving and despondent and rudderless for lack of the discipline and guidance instilled by the hand of Annatar, lord of gifts. We are appealing to his excellency to send word of instruction to ward of these pangs of hunger. Something other than cannibalism, which is kinda getting old.

  21. Konstantein says:

    Fuckin’ Shit!!! Run away!!

  22. Kelvardil says:

    Maybe those Numenoreans finished him off. That would suck, because I’m barely making ends meet with this spying job. Now what?

  23. Sambrog says:

    Sauron, your adherents await your fell spirit’s return!

    Do not disappoint us…

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