#75: I Have My Boot So Far Up Celebrimbor’s Ass He Can Smell My Toes

Nov
9

Date: June 14th, 1697 S.A.
My Mood Is: victorious

Celebrimbor Silverhand, Lord of Eregion and Maker of the Elven Rings of Power, is sitting in his bathroom, crying.

Seems he had been warned, by Galadriel and Elrond and Gil-Galad, not to trust “Annatar, Lord of Gifts.” Seems they told him not to collaborate with me. Seems they warned him not to make the Rings of Power, nor the Three Elven Rings. (Although they were happy enough to accept them!)

And now, here Celebrimbor sits, his palace in flames; the green fields and woods of Hollin razed and burned; his people slain, raped and scattered; his halls overrun with Orcs and Trolls and Wargs; and outside his bathroom door The Dark Lord, waiting patiently for him to come out and face his death.

Come on out, you silly bastard. And if you’ve got any Elven Rings in there, bring them out too.

I must say that the Mordorian War Machine has surpassed all my expectations. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that I’ve enslaved and bred far more Evil Men, Orcs, Wargs, Trolls and Mûmakil than I could ever expect to use. (A Mûmak is a kind of “Dire Wooly Mammoth,” smelly but deadly. I call them “deathyderms.”) My armies are enormous. No power on Arda, not even the Valar themselves, could defy me now.

BWA HA HA HA!

I have the Orcs searching the palaces, the citadel and the countryside, looking for anything that might be a magic ring. They won’t find anything – Celebrimbor is stupid, but not that stupid. All the minor rings were here, of course, but the three biggies – Narya, Nenya, and Vilya – are hidden. But not for long.

Still, it’s necessary to keep the Orcs busy, or they start to get their own ideas.

Let me see — I’ve got 16 of the lesser rings right here, taken right from off Celebrimbor’s work table. These will be VERY useful indeed, enslaved as they all are to my Master Ring. And although the Three are hidden, those morons in Lindon don’t dare use them without revealing themselves to me.

My next step will be to consolidate my military hold on Eriador, and then take Lindon. Gil-Galad and his Noldor cronies will fall; and the Three Elven Rings will be MINE!

But first, it’s time to break down this silly bathroom door. I tire of Celebrimbor’s blubbering. I’ll crush his skull and be done with it.

Good times.

 

9 Responses to “#75: I Have My Boot So Far Up Celebrimbor’s Ass He Can Smell My Toes”

  1. Al-Pharazon says:

    Hmm?

  2. Tom says:

    Hey, check if he uses two-ply, I’m running low. Thanks

  3. Enjoying this says:

    Glad to see you are still posting!

    This is without a doubt the best blog ever written.

  4. Kelvardil says:

    Hmmm. Seems you’ve done a pretty good job burning and pillaging. Of course, there are those pesky dwarves next door and some puny army of Lindonian elves led by that Elrond guy on their way to “attack” you.

  5. Tar-Minastir says:

    I guess this has something to do with what that elf Gil-Galad was whining about. What to do…

  6. TomBomb says:

    Well, this blog is about the best I’ve seen.

  7. Ashi says:

    Lord Sauron! Your minions grow restless, they thirst for the voice of their master! Surely there is more to your genius plan than simply the death of this one lowly elf? What next? WHAT DOES THE EYE COMMAND???

  8. Afridel says:

    Dear Mr Sauron sir
    My mother was one of the countless elves you so joyously raped. This one however lived to tell the tale and gave birth to myself. She say’s it was very pleasing being raped by you and she would like to get together again sometime. I also want to serve you forever and maybe get in on a bit of that raping action too.
    From Your amazingly Raped Son Afridel

  9. Morgoth says:

    HA HA HA! Since when has Sauron “the Great” had a fetish for jewelry! What are you a teenage girl?.. BWA HA HA!!! But seriously quit raping elves (unless it be the descendents of Fingolfin) and worrying about your wedding rings and get me out of this void. It’s cold in here…

    Help.

    Please.

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