#74: No, I Am Not Compensating for Anything


Date: March 27th, 1601 S.A.
My Mood Is: jubilant


We all knew that, of course, but isn’t it nice to see it in person?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Slaves and Thralls, I give you — Barad-dûr, the Dark Tower! Five thousand feet tall, 1,400 rooms, 223 staircases, 118 separate prisons and torture chambers; 450 storeys from the deepest forgotten lockhole in the lowest dungeon, to the very pinnacle where my inner sanctum, the Window of the Eye, looks out over all of Mordor!

And it took a day to build! Yes, a DAY!

Of course, I spent about half a millennium gathering together the millions of tons of iron and obsidian; planning and preparing; and building the veritable city of  outbuildings that support the main structure. And there was the problem of building foundations that would support a mile-high tower. But with the ONE RING, my friends, all things are possible. I just willed the darn thing into existence, and a few hours later, there it was! It was just like the good ol’ days, before the Revolt of the Treasonous Valar, when we Ainur just made anything we wanted, whenever we wanted, from the Flame Imperishable!


Now I’m exhausted, but who cares? Once I get the Dark Tower truly up and running, I can set out in war against the insipid Elves of Eregion and their Lindonian allies. Soon all of Eriador will run red with THE BLOOD OF THE NOLDOR! AND THE ELVEN RINGS SHALL BE MINE!

Cough cough! Crap, I’m too tired for all this yelling.

The designs for the Dark Tower went through several iterations, actually. At one point it was like a 10-mile-high needle, meant to penetrate the clouds and keep watch on all Middle-earth. Then I thought of having to climb up and down one 60,000-step staircase all day long, and ditched that idea. Then I got all caught up with an article I read in an in-flight magazine, whatever that is, and decided to go ranch-style — one storey tall and 20 miles wide. That was sure stupid.

I even had a version — the plans were laid out and everything — with giant obsidian horns on the top of the tower, and I would manifest between the horns all day long as a giant flaming eye! I would look like a humongous lighthouse! Isn’t that the dumbest thing you ever heard???

No, the version I built is the best version. I have replaced my lame Annatar robes with some appropriately spiky black armor, and I shall sit at my new Window of the Eye and keep watch over my minions. And soon, when all is ready, I SHALL MARCH ON ERIADOR AND CLEANSE IT OF THE ACCURSED ELDAR!

Cough! Cough! I gotta lie down.


6 Responses to “#74: No, I Am Not Compensating for Anything”

  1. Aule says:

    pfft! Obsidian is so First Age. Breaking tension of 2000 MPa? Lame.

    Adamant – now that’s just timeless.

    Too late to fix it now though. You should have asked first. I consult.

  2. Aule says:

    You should have just used Galvorn for the structural members. You’re in a volcanic region for Eru’s sake!

    Hello? Earthquake resistance? You want those members to be flexible AND strong. Obsidian will just crumble.

    I don’t think this would even pass the Valinorean building code.

    Did you get a planning consent? How about a curb cut authorisation for the Morannon?

    You’re gonna need more than that One Ring when the building code inspectors come around after they finish auditing Osse’s Numenor job.

  3. Smaug says:

    Make sure you add a good sized gate out front. You never know what kind of riff-raff will drop by.

  4. Actually surprised says:

    Man am I glad that this blog is still going. Keep up the great work!

  5. KLO says:

    Your Lordship, yer evilness…….. will you be needing any back stabbing lyers & snitches for your new abode Sire? what im asking is …. can i get a job there at the Big House??? Im good at finding things.
    Resume sent apon request.
    Thank you

  6. Hurrr-Achk says:

    No certificate of occupancy until Form 27b / 6 is completely signed off.

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