#73: Celebrimbor Must Pay for His Crimes

Aug
19

Date: March 26th, 1601 S.A.
My Mood Is: retributive

They took off the Rings???

Un-FUCKING-believable. All this work down the drain. And all the Elven Rings needed was a simple spell to make them impossible to remove.

And whose fault is this? Celebrimbor’s, of course! That double-dealing bastard!

Alright, Sauron, calm down. Think. You can salvage the Master Plan. The Children of Ilúvatar can still be your slaves. The Rings are still out there, all 19 of them, and they are all slaves to the Ring of Power.

What to do, what to do.

Okay, first of all, CONGRATULATE ME. This isn’t a disaster — I made the Ring of Power! With this new Ring, I am far more powerful than I was before. More powerful than stupid ol’ Melkor, even. In fact, the first thing I’m going to do is complete my Black Spiky Tower of Unimaginable Evil. I’ll think I’ll call it Lugbúrz, which is “Dark Tower” in the Black Speech; Barad-dûr in Elfy-talk. Yes, Barrrrad-dûrrrrrr — roll those “rrrs,” very nice.

Step 2: Find and kill Celebrimbor, and get back my three Elven Rings. Yes, MINE — he made them, but he used MY knowledge and MY experience to do it. And while I’m at it, I’ll take the other 16 as well. Maybe find someone who will appreciate them — some Men, or even Dwarves. (And believe me, the first thing I’ll do is add a non-removal charm!)

Step 3: Do what I should have done in the first place. Forget all this “Annatar” crapola, and lead the armies of Mordor, Harad and Rhûn in a great war against the remaining Noldoran exiles and their allies. Who’s going to stop me now, the Númenóreans? They live across the sea, and don’t give a crap about Gil-Galad and his mincing Elven cronies.

Yes. The Ring of Power is the key. It’s so beautiful, so perfect. I’ve been spending a lot of time admiring it, and why shouldn’t I? It’s the single most powerful magical artifact ever created, except maybe — MAYBE — for the stupid ol’ Silmarils, and they didn’t actually do anything except shine and drive Elves crazy.

No, the Ring of Power is what will allow me mastery over all of Arda. It’s The Shit.

Watch out, Celebrimbor, I’m coming for you.

Now, where were those architectural plans? Barrrrrrrrrad-dûrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

7 Responses to “#73: Celebrimbor Must Pay for His Crimes”

  1. Khamul the Black Easterling says:

    AMAZON WISH LIST: Golden ring. Would prefer no curses, but meh.

  2. Uls says:

    Just popped into Mordor to check out your latest evil schemes. You really should beef up your border controls, especially around the Cirith Ungol area. I mean, even a pair of starved hobbits could slip into Mordor! And seriously, when are you going to block that secret tunnel up? Evict the spider and get it bricked shut. You’ll regret it one day if you don’t!

    Now I know about your wicked blog I’ll definitely be keeping an eye what you’re up to!

  3. KLO says:

    Whatya take holidays off ???? Cmon yer evilness, i gotsta know what happens next.

  4. Curunír says:

    Don’t give up, Sauron! You’re as cool as the other side of the pillow!

  5. Kai says:

    Dear Sauron!
    It has been a month since last time you blogged, perhaps it is time for another news? Your silence really worries me and I would love to hear from you.

    Always a great fan and admirer,
    Kai

  6. Cosmonut says:

    Ha, you say Celebrimbor must pay, but have done nothing about it !!
    Could the mighty Lord Sauron be, ahem, scared of the Elves and their Rings ?

  7. Melian the Maia says:

    Mairon, please come back to me. Your recent successes made me realize just how much I love you, honey. This whole Thingol-business was a mistake, but I was lonely and needed someone who would hold me, and he was just _there_, you know. Please forgive me and come back.

    Kisses,

    Meli.

    PS. I’d even wear that bizarre latex costume you’re into… *wink*

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