#41: Melkor is Back!


Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: stunned

Melkor is back! No, really! It turns out that noise was him!

Apparently, after the war, the Valar traitors dragged Melkor back to Valinor and threw him in the Halls of Mandos, where they kept him imprisoned for three ages.

Has it really been three ages? I wouldn’t know. How long is an “age?”

Anyway, they eventually let Melkor free, and Manwë the Dickless Prick actually pardoned him, seemingly convinced that three ages sitting in dark hole was gonna put Melkor in a better mood. What the hell is wrong with that guy? I mean, just how stupid is he?

So Melkor decided to hang out for a while in Valinor, and get up to some mischief. He says the place is just crawling with Elves, so Melkor spent a bunch of time screwing with them. I didn’t really listen to this part – Melkor went on and on about all these freakin’ Elves and their families and arguments. Who cares?

Anyway, the Valar finally figured out that Melkor wasn’t “reformed,” so he escaped south to the land Avathar, which is in Valinor but on the other side of the Pelóri, so it wasn’t poisoned by the light of those insipid trees. And guess who he found there?

No, guess!

Ungoliant! Remember her, the really weird chick from back in the Timeless Halls? Turns out she’s been living down south in spider form, eating everything in sight. I am not at all surprised she got fat.

So Melkor hooked up with Ungoliant, and convinced her to help him attack those moronic trees, which they did. Ungoliant sucked all the life and light out of them, and now they’re just a couple of dried-out husks. Excellent work, if you ask me.

Long story short, Melkor and Ungoliant escaped. They stopped off at some guy’s house to kill him and take his magic rocks — seriously, anything about Elves and I just tune out — and then they crossed the grinding ice of the Helcaraxë and made it back to Middle Earth.

That’s when Ungoliant decided to attack Melkor. It was Melkor who was screaming when I sent the Balrogs to go check it out. Seriously, Melkor has really lost the old mojo if Ungoliant can almost kick his ass.

The Balrogs showed up, drove Ungoliant away, and brought Melkor back here to Angband. End of story.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I have fixed feelings about Melkor being back. But I do have to say this: he is PISSED.

And that, my friends, can only be a good thing.


17 Responses to “#41: Melkor is Back!”

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  3. Emphyrio says:

    Sauron, you made a few typos:
    – “their just a couple of dried-out husks” –> “they’re”
    – “stopped off at some guys house” –> “guy’s” (unless the reference is to both Finwë and Fëanor, in which case it would be “guys'”, but then “his magic rocks” is unclear)
    – “nad made it back” –> “and”

  4. Sauron Gorthaur Sauron Gorthaur says:


    How dare you criticize The Lord of the Earth? How dare you defy The Eye?

    When I find you, I will destroy you. The Eye is watching!

  5. Námo says:

    If you have become a vulgarian, then you have truly fallen beyond redemption. Foolish, renegade Maia, obscenity is the idiot’s resort when wit has left him.

    What is this arrogance? The Elder King of Arda is Manwë Súlimo, representative of Ilúvatar and none other.

    Tulkas and Oromë have set forth to hunt you down. Literally. You will pay for the death of the Trees with your bodies.

  6. Gothmog says:

    Go back to kissing Manwë’s ass Mandos.

    That fat bitch Ungoliant! It took Melkor and my Balrogs all our power to drive her off. That better we the last we see of her.

    Oh man Melkor is back! He’s been acting kinda weird lately though, what with his obsession over some jewels he found. Seriously, they’re just shiny rocks!

  7. Glaurung says:

    I still needz my form! Yall tell Melkor tah finish me upz!

    If yah don’ts, Ancalagon said he’d eatz me! HURRY PLZ!

  8. Námo says:

    Shiny rocks that will define the happenings of an Age.

    Arrogance will be your undoing; Gothmog shall fall at the hands of the Firstborn.

    The passing of the Ages of Arda mean little to me. To Eru you too will return soon.

  9. LuthienT says:

    WHAT!!! oh, you foul things! The shiny rocks are none other than our precious Simarills! THis should make you mad, Sauron. I’m a product of Thingol and Melian. And I’m the hottest elf alive.

  10. Ráca Únerion says:

    I was just wondering how someone could be both dickless and a prick.

  11. Bronze Wing says:

    Oi, Namo whats up with u? ur all like “Ooooooooooo to Eru you will return to!!!” r u a phrophicy person or just a asshole that cracking wise!? i say to you go crawl in a hole and rot!!!!!

  12. Melkor says:

    Fuck off Mandos. Get ye back to Manwë and screw him all you want, you grim little ass-pirate. Let’s not forget who the most powerful Vala is.
    Glaurung, your body will be bad-ass. And I have a special project for you involving a little man with a shiny black sword…
    As for Ungoliant… I can destroy her any day I want. I just… Just didn’t want to risk the Silmarils, Yeah! Those stones are just to shiny.
    Also who digs my new nickname Morgoth? Got a special ring don’t it?

  13. Tevildo Pince of Cats says:

    I was banished from the original tales… will Sauron’s account of the Tales of Middle Earth vanish also? Am I to understand that this ALL he has to say in his defense for BLUNDERING what was supposed to be MY job? Some replacement….

  14. El says:

    Seriously Luthien, get over your self, your just like ya mum, a howy-towy, yanky, Bitch and i’d like nothing better than to piss you of! *storms away to kill thingol*

  15. Námo says:

    Yes Melkor, “Morgoth Bauglir”, the juxtaposition of “Black Enemy” and “Tyrant” is extremely appropriate for you. I could not have created a better epithet to suit you better myself.


  16. Melkor says:

    Who let in the kill joy in?
    Honestly, Mandy (hope you don’t mind me calling you this) you need to learn to relax and have some fun. You’re always so… so grim. After all death is fun!

  17. Námo says:

    Take solace in that I encourage you to enjoy your stay and your “fun” in Middle-earth while you can, Melkor. After all, your days are finite and numbered.

    I have doomed that Valinor shall overthrow the tyrant of Arda. Soon.

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