#35: The Elves Are Going To Valinor — Good Riddance!


Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I’ve managed to convert a couple of Elves to my cause, through threats, cajoling, and the terror of my eyes. I don’t get much info from them — it’s hard to get them to come out into the woods to worship me.

That’s right, I said worship. So what? I’m a freakin’ god. Of course mortals should should worship me — what else are they good for?

But Sauron, you might say, wasn’t it your own hatred of worshiping Eru that led you to leave the Timeless Halls in the first place? Yes, it was. But with Eru it was all about the worship. I’m a much more interesting god. I deserve worship — Eru never did.

Anyway, occasionally they come out to my hiding place in the wild to worship me and bring me news. I can understand their hesitation — the first time they visited me, I accidentally ate some of them. BTW, Elf really does taste like chicken.

So you won’t believe the news they brought me today. The filthy Valar have invited all the Elves to join them in Valinor. Seriously.

And not only that, but they expect the Elves to walk all the way across Eriador and Belariand. That’s like 6,000 miles or something. These guys are supposedly gods, and they can’t figure out a way to teleport the Elves to Valinor? I could manage it. At the very least, I’d get the stupid Eagles to carry them.

I had a hard time trying to figure out what the Valar are up to with this. Are they building an army? Do they need slaves? Do they covet the females? Then I realized — they want worshipers. And not just worshipers to live out in The World; they want someone to grovel right at their feet.

Disgusting. At least I would let the Elves live on their own, apart from some tithes and the occasional Elven sacrifice.


5 Responses to “#35: The Elves Are Going To Valinor — Good Riddance!”

  1. Námo says:

    In the Blessed Realm may they be shielded from the evils of Melkor and his Necromancer.

  2. Melkor says:

    Screw you Námo. Once I shatter my chains, I’ll destroy your grim visage and make your pathetic elvish slaves grovel at my feet.
    All Hail Melkor,’He Who Arises In Might!

  3. El says:

    Good comback lord meklor, i take my hat of to thee *frikking thou’s, thy’s and thee’s*

  4. El says:

    oh, as i said to sauron i can’t spell): sorry about your name Melkor

  5. Námo says:

    Such inspiring courage, Melkor.

    But bravado aside, you can’t shatter Aule’s chain. Only groveling and pleading at the feet of Manwe will release you.

    And unfortunately for Arda, his lack of understanding of evil even in the form of his own brother causes him to do so.

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