#59: This Is the Worst Day of My Entire Life


Date: June 16, 590 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: devastated

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap. Holy crap.

There have been some bad times since I joined up with Melkor, but nothing to prepare me for this. This is without a doubt the worst day of my entire life. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now.

Beleriand is gone, just gone. Almost the whole continent — which coincidentally I did most of the design for, before the stinking Valar ruined the coastlines in the Second War — is now under the ocean. I could just say “good riddance” — except Angband is gone, too.

And everyone in it. Even Melkor.

There’s just a huge, swirling whirlpool of seawater above where Angband used to be, as millions of gallons of Ulmo’s stinking brine flow into its endless beautiful chasms, quenching the subterranean rivers of magma, flooding the breeding pits and torture dens, and forever drowning countless Chthonic creatures, their twisted and unnatural forms the stuff of mortal nightmares.

Those traitorous Valar bastards!

Everyone is gone. The Armies of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death are destroyed or scattered. The Balrogs have all been slain, their fëar reduced to naught but Spirits of Malice in the Wild; well, all but that one idiot hiding in the Misty Mountains. Most of the dragons are dead, their bloated corpses bobbing on the tempestuous sea; although I hear a handful escaped. No doubt there are some Orcs left — they’re like cockroaches, and anyway they probably fled when the real fighting started. Maybe some trolls survived, but they’re useless. A couple of vampires might have made it.

Ah, the werewolves. My beloved werewolves. They would have refused to run, fighting until the end. No doubt they all perished.


And Melkor? Wonderful, terrible, magnificent and awful, the Rightful Lord of the Earth, Melkor? That idiot, imbecile, asshole, fuckwit? I’ll tell you what happened to Melkor. He hid in the lowest bowels of Angband, cowering and suing for peace. That brain donor had spent so much of his mana on armies, and monsters, and defenses, and spiky black armor, and curses designed to afflict individual warriors with bad luck, kinslaying and incest, that he had nothing left when the Valar and their Maiar and Mortal slaves swept down from the Uttermost West in a cowardly surprise attack.

Then Eönwë — Eönwë, Manwë’s toadyish little flag-waver, and not some halfway-majestic Ainu like Tulkas or Aulë –overthrew Melkor from his throne and bound him in chains. The Valar thrust Melkor out the Doors of Night into the Outer Dark, to suffer in the cold, dead vacuum as long as Arda lasts.

So that’s it. Through mismanagement, and idiocy, and caring what primitive little mortals thought of him, and lusting after magic rocks and hot Elven chicks, Melkor has destroyed everything we planned for and dreamed of, ever since those early Days Before Days in the Timeless Halls of Eru Ilúvatar when we improved the Ainulindalë.

MOTHER FUCK. Billions of years of careful planning and hard work. FOR NOTHING!

And here’s Sauron, a mere echo of his primordial angelic self, trapped within this tiny spacetime continuum for Eru knows how long — friendless, luckless, and alone.

How am I supposed to spend the rest of eternity? Sitting on my ass?

Or maybe I should slink across the the Sundering Seas to Aman, and present myself for judgment before the “throne” of  Manwë the Dickless Prick, begging forgiveness for my so-called sins, and sit out a couple of eons in the Halls of Mandos until I am deemed sufficiently “rehabilitated” to go back to work for Aulë. Christ on a cracker (whatever that is), I’d rather kill myself.

What the hell am I going to do now? What am I going to do?


7 Responses to “#59: This Is the Worst Day of My Entire Life”

  1. Emphyrio says:

    I think you need a hobby. Maybe flower arrangement, or interpretive dance. Or you could try making jewelry.

  2. Magmem says:

    Man I feel your pain, how could anyone do that to were-wolves, I remember when my pack was killed by those fucking bird-kids, poor Ari (Ari was my mate) and now I’m the last left! I sware a fucking Vandetta agains them now, I can’t wait to get Maximum and rip her wings out of their sockets, yes and rip the rest of that flock limb from limb espesialy that dirt bag fang!!!

  3. Telumendil says:

    I’m sorry, great lord, but I must have missed the part about when and how you bravely resisted this cowardly onslaught that brought your boss down. I’m sure that the failure to discuss it is just an editorial oversight on someone’s part.

  4. Manwë says:

    Sheesh. what a whiner! Grow a pair! Melkor may have gone out like a bitch , but at least he DIDN’T WHINE LIKE ONE.

  5. toclacl says:

    Some bloke I knew tried stealing a map of the universe. Wanted to use it to recreate everything the way he wanted starting with cornmuffins or lasik surgery (or something like that). Trouble is he got caught up with some meddling, treasure hunting short folk.
    Now, you don’t have that problem, nope, no shorties in your world.
    Just a thought, I say go for it. :)

  6. Melkor says:

    Heh. Those idiots Valar forgot I have satellite out here. Anyway… WHAT THE UTUMNO ARE YOU BITCHIN ABOUT! I am the one stuck in this empty void of… blackness. And then you bitch about me being a coward. Oh my SELF! At least I didn’t run away with a tail between my legs from a dog. A dog…

  7. Slash. says:

    Melkor you won’t be alone for much longer, in about the 20th age, wee little space men will come and float all around the void….AND LAND on the MOON! To think that pathetic, smelly humans with shit for brains could come where therez no air is a big improvment, mabye Eru wasn’t a ass hat all along.

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