#48: The Battle of Sudden Flame is ON!!!

Jul
11

Date: December 28th, 455 F.A. (Years of the Sun)
My Mood Is: stoked

Despite my advice, Melkor has decided in his infinite wisdom to strike against the Elves and eradicate them once and for all.

Not that I have any problem with eradicating the Elves, especially that asshole Thingol. And to be honest, it won’t be hard — the Elves have nothing on us in terms of power and military might.

But it’s too soon. Sure, we’ve been sending out Orc troops every once in a while, to test the Elves’ strength. Each time we do, and they “defeat” us, the Elves treat each skirmish as if it were some glorious battle. As if — these attacks are merely feints to draw out the enemy. Do you think we really care of we lose a few tens of thousands of Orcs? Those things breed like cockroaches!

On one occasion, one of the Flying Fire-Breathing Monsters (we still don’t have a name for these) escaped, before it was ready, and had to flee back to Angband with its tail between its legs. Now the Elves think they can beat anything we got.

Idiots.

Right now we are building an undefeatable Army of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death, one that will defeat even the filthy Valar traitors themselves. But it takes time. It’s only been a few centuries since Melkor escaped from Aman. Give me another millennium or two, and we’ll be ready!

But no. Melkor wants to attack now. The guy who’s so brilliant, he spent three eons imprisoned by the Valar, thinks it’s time to attack. Don’t listen to Sauron, who’s been doing all the actual work — reinforcing Angband, upgrading the Orcs, manufacturing Trolls, designing Wargs — what the hell would I know about it?

So, we’ll attack early. Fine.

There is an upside. As our first assault in the new war, I got to try out my patented Pyroclastic Attack. See, we dug so deep at Angband that we hit magma, so I designed a series of sluices that brought the magma up into giant reservoirs. Last night we blew the floodgates, and millions of metric tons of lava, ash and poisonous gas burst out onto Ard-galen, converting what was a hideous plain infested with bright green grasses and sickly white flowers into a beautiful wasteland of basalt and hyaloclastite. Yes!

I love it when one of my inventions works! Of course, my inventions always work.

Anyway, those Elves not immediately immolated by the lava are fleeing, leaving us plenty of room to send forth our forces — once the lava cools a bit.

We’re going to set out at tomorrow at dusk. Who knows — maybe we really can destroy the Elves in one fell swoop. Of course, Melkor isn’t taking Men into account, which is a mistake. Melkor always does that — he doesn’t take any enemy seriously, not until that enemy hands him his balls.

We’ll see what happens.

 

5 Responses to “#48: The Battle of Sudden Flame is ON!!!”

  1. […] the latest entry, or begin at the beginning. The Eye commands it! Share this […]

  2. Orc # 851351 says:

    Great blog, I really love it. I can’t wait until the next part comes out!

  3. Smaug says:

    SAURON UPDATE YOUR BLOG!

  4. Henrik says:

    As a distinct Tolkien fan I must say this stuff makes me laugh my arse off. I can’t wait to see how you tackle the coming chapters!

  5. Manwe says:

    You guys really shouldn’t be posting your battle plans on the internet. Whatever the “Internet” is.

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