Archive for the ‘03 Silmarillion: Quenta 3’ Category

#36: The Orcs Are Coming Along Nicely, Thank You

Apr
5

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vomitous

Well, the elves have pretty much left Middle Earth. That’s not to say they all accepted the “invitation” from Valinor — lots of elves stayed behind. The so-called “Eldar,” who have wandered off to grovel at the feet of the Valar traitors, call the elves who stayed behind “Dark Elves.” I call them “tomorrow’s loyal thralls.”

I have spies amongst the Eldar, of course. And when the Elves balked at traveling across the sea, I assumed a pleasing form and walked among them. Yes, I encouraged them to flee to the Uttermost West.

Why, you ask? Well first of all, I don’t need them. The new “Melkorized Elves” we’ve been working on are coming along nicely. I’ve even invented a language for them, The Black Speech. In that tongue they call themselves “uruk.” But they’re not ready for prime time, yet. Soon.

Second, this is the perfect way to get my spies into Valinor. Right now, I have no idea what’s going on over there. And I fear I don’t have the power to pass through Valinor unheeded, not with those stupid trees radiating light everywhere.

I need to know what they did with Melkor. Is he a prisoner? Or was he banished from the world?

Or… did he “repent” and join with the Valar? I hate to even think it. When Carcharoth dared to suggest it, I clawed him to within an inch of his life. But secretly, I fear it’s a possibility.

Melkor begging forgiveness from The Dickless Prick — it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Then again, he could be cozening up to Manwë, planning to betray him later.

I have no way of knowing. These stupid Elves need to travel faster, and get to Valinor already. Maybe I’ll set some Wargs on their tail.

#35: The Elves Are Going To Valinor — Good Riddance!

Jan
21

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I’ve managed to convert a couple of Elves to my cause, through threats, cajoling, and the terror of my eyes. I don’t get much info from them — it’s hard to get them to come out into the woods to worship me.

That’s right, I said worship. So what? I’m a freakin’ god. Of course mortals should should worship me — what else are they good for?

But Sauron, you might say, wasn’t it your own hatred of worshiping Eru that led you to leave the Timeless Halls in the first place? Yes, it was. But with Eru it was all about the worship. I’m a much more interesting god. I deserve worship — Eru never did.

Anyway, occasionally they come out to my hiding place in the wild to worship me and bring me news. I can understand their hesitation — the first time they visited me, I accidentally ate some of them. BTW, Elf really does taste like chicken.

So you won’t believe the news they brought me today. The filthy Valar have invited all the Elves to join them in Valinor. Seriously.

And not only that, but they expect the Elves to walk all the way across Eriador and Belariand. That’s like 6,000 miles or something. These guys are supposedly gods, and they can’t figure out a way to teleport the Elves to Valinor? I could manage it. At the very least, I’d get the stupid Eagles to carry them.

I had a hard time trying to figure out what the Valar are up to with this. Are they building an army? Do they need slaves? Do they covet the females? Then I realized — they want worshipers. And not just worshipers to live out in The World; they want someone to grovel right at their feet.

Disgusting. At least I would let the Elves live on their own, apart from some tithes and the occasional Elven sacrifice.

#34: A Strategic Withdrawal

Jan
4

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

Everything has turned to shit, and it’s Melkor’s fault.

There, I said it. Out loud. This is Melkor’s fault. He led us down here, into this tiny World, and all at once he lost control of it. Now Melkor is a prisoner of the Valar traitors, and I’m fucked.

The Valar stormed the gates of Utumno. Hundreds of loyal spirits, even a few of the balrogs, were destroyed, their fëar doomed to wander the world’s dark places as immaterial shadows until the end of time. Which is really distressing.

Most of us, the Hosts of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death, fled or were scattered. Some sued for mercy and joined with the Valar and Maiar — and I will not be forgetting their names. Melkor himself was wrestled to the ground by Tulkas, and led to Valinor in chains.

I wasn’t there to see it. Because I fled.

You wanna call me a coward? Do it to my face. I will consume you. If I had stayed in Utumno, then I’d be in chains before the “throne” of Manwë the Dickless Prick right now.

Angband has fallen, but its foundations still stand. I dare not return there yet. I am hiding in the far East, keeping a low profile. But I will return.

Let Melkor rot in Valinor. If he can’t stand against the Valar, then he deserved what he gets. I am still free. I will rebuild Angband, and when my wrath is unleashed against the Valar, I will destroy them finally and utterly.

Crap. I can’t believe I’m all alone out here.

#33: A Minor Setback

Dec
21

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: resigned

As you know, we just spent the last eon preparing for the third and final war against the stinking rebel Valar. Now one would think that with all this preparation, with all our forces rested, equipped and marshaled, with not one but two mighty fortresses, and with right on our side, we might have managed to hold off a surprise Valar assault.

Except we didn’t.

My spies tell me it was Oromë, an unrepentant drunk with an anger management problem, who discovered the Elves after we did. As you know, we invited a bunch of the little dipshits to Utumno, where they are undergoing improvements. But I guess some of the ingrate Elves complained to Oromë, who fled back to Manwë and told him we were being mean to the pointy-eared morons.

So Manwë finally grew a set of balls and the Valar marched out to attack. We met them in the northeast of Middle Earth, and the battle was fierce. I was almost destroyed, the Valar and their Maiar slaves fought so fiercely. They spent millennia ignoring Middle-Earth and hiding behind their mountains, but the moment some stupid Elves get inconvenienced, the Valar come running? What the hell is up with that?

In the end, it was a rout, and we had to retreat to Utumno. The great walls of Utumno have held the Valar at bay for the moment, while we sit in the pit and nurse our wounds. Melkor sits in the Uttermost Depths, sulking. I really, really hate to admit it, but I’m beginning to think that maybe Melkor doesn’t always know what he’s doing.

Oh shit, the Valar just came over the tops of the walls. I gotta go.

#32: OMFG! I Found the Freakin’ Elves!

Dec
20

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I found the Elves!

Carcharoth was out in Middle Earth, trying to sniff out Valar spies, when he came across a group of strange creatures hanging out by a lake. He’d eaten several dozen of them before he realized he should probably report this news back to base.

Carcharoth came back to Angband with a few captives and presented them to me. They were weird, sickly little things, hairless apes with pointy ears and translucent skin. I’m the one who figured out they had to be the so-called “Children of Ilúvatar.”

I immediately reported to Utumno with the captives, and told Melkor that I had located the so-called “Elves.” He was thrilled. I gotta tell ya, I earned a lot of points that day.

After killing a few with the terror of his gaze, Melkor commanded me to start thinking about how we can exploit these “mortal” creatures. We can’t just have some race living in our Middle Earth without serving us. The first thing I want to do is redesign them — they have the stink of the Valar all over them. I want to hunch them over (for underground work), give them tusks (for fighting), and maybe toughen up their skin (it’s all soft and dewey right now). Also, I want to make up a language for them to speak. Right now they tend to sing in something that sounds like Finnish (whatever that is). They need a new name, too. I’ll think about it.

One of the female elves reminded me of Melian in her hominid form. I killed it.

#31: Seeing Stars

Dec
19

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vindicated

Sorry, it’s been ages (literally) since I last wrote. I’ve been really busy. And I have great news — I got my own fortress!

It’s called Angband — it means “The Hells of Iron.” Isn’t that cool? It’s an outlying fortress and armory for Melkor’s great fortress of Utumno. And it’s all mine!

As you can see, my efforts in assisting Melkor in his defeat of the Valar rebels are really paying off, career-wise.

Of course, it’s not all good news. Ever since we destroyed the great lamps, all of Middle-Earth has been bathed in soothing darkness, as it should be. Only the light from the rivers of lava that spews forth from mighty volcanoes illuminated the world. Until that whore Varda interfered.

She crafted these things she calls “stars,” and that I call “annoying specks of light.” And she scattered them all over the firmament. Now you’d think if she was going to go to all the trouble, these stars would be bright enough to illuminate the Earth. But they’re not. They just kind of sit up there in the sky, being worthless. In fact, we didn’t even notice them at first – after all, who looks up? By the time we figured out what was going on, Varda had thousands of the things up there. Melkor chased her away, but it was too late to spare the firmament of Varda’s vandalism.

As for the rest of the Valar — my spies tell me that Tulkas presses for war against us, but Manwë is too much of a pussy. He’s been listening to his friend Mandos, a dour and morose idiot I could never stand to hang out with back in the Timeless Halls. They plan to just sit behind the Pelóri and do nothing. Cowards.

But it works out great for us. We’ve had the time to fortify the main stronghold at Utumno, and build my fortress. Soon, very soon, we shall strike, and the Valar will be no more!

#30: I’m Bored

Nov
9

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: bored

I just got back from sowing the seeds of dissension amongst the Maiar of Valinor. A number of the spirits whom I turned to Melkor’s service before the second war are still willing to serve us, even that moron Curunír. Remember I tasked him with keeping Tulkas unconscious during the Second War, and he failed miserably. Now he’s begging for a second chance. We’ll see.

The Valar have discovered a method for measuring time, and I don’t like it. Their two miserable glowing trees rise and fall in luminosity according to a pattern, and they use counts of that pattern to measure the passage of time. They’re all like, “When dost thou wish to sing the praises of Manwë?” and the other guy says “When the lights of blessed Telperion and Laurelin have mingled their sweet light one hundred times less twelve, then we shall meet to to sing the praises of Manwë.”

What a bunch of pretentious assholes.

I mean, for one thing how do they know that the trees’ oscillation cycle is regular? They only have the trees themselves as a standard of comparison! Now if they’d asked me, I would have suggested a unit of time equivalent to the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the Caesium 133 atom at a temperature of 0 Kelvin. But that’s just me.

Anyway, now that we have a system for measuring time, the eons just seem that much looooonger. Immortality never really bothered me before, because I didn’t even think about how long things took. Now I keep looking at the clock.

I’m bored.

Soon Melkor will be ready to assail the Valar. Then we’ll have some excitement. And after the accursed trees are destroyed, I won’t have to worry about being bored anymore.